Random Havers

No Ball Games

2011-10-22T22:33:00.001Z

That's what the signs said when I was a kid.

I'm a Dundonian and quite proud of it. We're pretty much Scotlands forgotten city and in the 70's our council screwed up our heritage by taking backhanders for tearing down our historical buildings but I still love the city. Given this I was quite shocked when Rosa got a friend request on Facebook by my sister Angela who stated on her page that she comes from Carnoustie!

To be fair we did move to Carnoustie for a few years but give me a fucking break. Angela isn't just from Dundee she's from Whitfield and Douglas which were really bad places at the time, one of my first memories is getting my toys stolen off me by kids coming back from school. This doesn't mean you should deny it all though, what's wrong with doing good whilst coming from a bad place?

OTOH she's loaded now because she married a man the same age as our dad and perhaps a little lying helps smooth the process. You wouldn't want to give him a shock before it all goes through.

Let's be other people

2011-02-14T21:09:00.002Z

More normal stuff to blog about soon but as an aside my new Trail of Cthulhu campaign started last week and I'm blogging about it elsewhere. My thoughts are going to be in the Keeping Cthulhu blog whilst my players probably won't bother posting to the Trailing Cthulhu blog. Ian's already posted a pic though it seems his smartphone is a bit stupid on the old text fromt.

Hopefully this will turn out to be an exciting game that changes us all, moves our hearts and adds to the art in the world. It's more likely to break down in a mess of hatred and recrimination or just not work at all but I'm willing to give it a go.

Cthulhu ftagn ftagn!

Even polar bears need warm hearts to make it through the snow!

2011-02-11T21:30:00.003Z

I have a lovely sister-in-law. She's intelligent, witty and has very pretty eyes. Not as pretty as mines of course but who does? Unfortunately she's also completely delusional.

Back at the beginning of December we here in jolly old Scotland had a wee bit of snow. When I say a wee bit it was the worst snowfall here since records began. My sister-in-law, we'll call her Marieka since that's her name, thought that this sounded great. Living in South Africa she's never seen actual snow falling from the actual sky and thinks it's a wonderful and romantic thing and wants to experience it herself.

To be fair snow is a wonderful and romantic thing when you've just got up and you're watching it through the double-glazing whilst sipping coffee. That's a great 5 minutes. Afterwards it's just a complete fucking hassle! To truly experience snow you have to go through a couple of weeks of digging the car out, falling on your arse on the black ice and generally freezing your bollocks off.

I know some will say that we only had about six inches, that's nothing compared to Alaska or Finland, and I could always move somewhere warmer but that's kind of missing the point. The UK isn't set up to deal with this kind of stuff because in general it's not ususally this bad so it's kind of pointless to invest in an infrastructure you only need every decade or so, if I lived in Finland I'd probably kill myself like so many other peeps who live in Finland do and all the warmer places are fucking dangerous!

You see the beauty of living in Scotland is that the country itself isn't actively trying to kill you. We don't have deadly snakes, venomous spiders or sicko dropbears. Generally the only way to get the environment to kill you here is to a complete idiot and go ice-climbing or something and you've got to be a real idiot as all the way up the pregnant weather girl on the radio will be telling you that it's only idiot weather on the hills.

Frankly I like living in a slightly miserable but pretty safe country where you don't have to check the bowl before you have a crap in case there's a giant bollock eating spider in there. For those who want to experience the wonders of snow you're invited across nexst time as long as you're out at seven every morning with a spade, are willing to travel 20 miles on black ice in the dark each way and nip out for my fags.

Resurrecting the crap!

2011-01-23T20:26:00.006Z

Ok so it's been a while and when that happens it takes a bit to get the stuff goinf again. Proper post soon and it'll be about the horrors of the winter.

And the picture disnae fit. To be totally frank I've spent a fair part of an hour sorting out the wee bits to get the auld blog up and running so if ye can help out just a wee bit by clicking on the picture it would be appreciated. You don't have to likesay though I will think less of you.

Parochial News Day

2009-06-19T12:56:00.004Z

So I've managed not to post for an awfy long time and it's nobodies fault but my own. I'll get back to regularly posting for my reader soon but before that let's have a look at what the local peeps in sunny Dundee have been talking about.

Those of you in the Colonies may not be aware that the government of the Heart of the Empire has been having a bit of a rough time at the moment. Leaked documents have revealed that our supposedly trustworthy MP's have been fiddling their expenses for years on soft porn, moats and duck houses. Of course this hasn't been the solely a crime of New Labour, let's face it not even the biggest betrayer of Socialism's cause has a moat just yet, so voters in the English Council and European elections obviously felt the need to look for another party which would uphold the British values of fairness, social democracy and equality. Many chose the British National Party.

Now I've mentioned this bunch of vile racist scum at least once before and my opinion hasn't changed in the slightest. Given that I was shocked when I received a BNP leaflet through the door saying that it's people just like me who vote for them and I should vote for them because,

It's not racist to oppose mass immigration and political correctness - it's common sense

Which is funny since I'm married to an immigrant and a big believer in not being a bigoted twat which political correctness seems to be about. Weird to think that I'm they're targeted group likesay. Needless to say I voted Green.

In the end our little fascists managed to win quite a few English council seats and two seats in the European Parliament thanks to many Labour supporters not voting because Labour are shitebags and idiots voting for them either because they don't think the party's about hate or because they're full of hate themselves. So flush from victory to racist Nick Griffin decides to hold a press conference outside parliament,

Haven't you always wondered why the members of the master race are always so plug ugly? I've also always wondered why peeps who decide to egg fascists don't boil them first.

Anyway the noble citizenry of my home town reacted thus,

Democratic right
Those who tried to attack BNP leader Nick Griffin after the recent Euro elections are an affront to the democratic system.

The same goes for the politicians who said it is a bad day for Britain — who are worried about the BNP’s rise.

The BNP seems to me to be the only ones willing to tackle crime. — George Aimer, Kinghorne Road, Dundee.

So Mr Aimer thinks that as long as you put the good old bobbies back on the beat a wee bit of racism and homophobia alright likesay. You'd think that all the crime committed by Dundee's immigrant population, obviously in the evenings when they leave their 12 hour day jobs that we don't want to do or universities that we can't be arsed going to, hugely outweighs what's done by Shuggy the ned. To be fair George would probably bring back the birch and hanging for Shuggy.

It's a proud day to be Dundonian.

Where do the nights of sleep go when they do not come to me?

2008-11-09T13:23:00.004Z

So normal life has gotten into the way of me updating my blog yet again. I doubt anybodies really a'that bothered but if you are soz an a'that.

Rosa's nipped down to Kiwiland to visit a friend who's just lost her mother to cancer. I've a mate up here waiting for his father to go the same way and I can only imagine how hard it must be. There's not much you can say but they're all in my thoughts. It's weird not having the lass around and it seems to have fucked up my sleeping, probably because I've gotten used to sleeping whilst hanging off the side of the bed and trying to cosy into a small corner of duvet. At least I've got the satisfaction that Rosa'll be suffering hideous jetlag over there.

On a brighter note we managed to catch The Black Seeds in Edinburgh before she left. Barnaby and the gang were as brilliant as ever and I liked the sound of their new stuff. I only hope that the new album is nearly as good as they are live. I've found their previous albums good but not great and know they can do better. If Fat Freddy's Drop can make a great studio album surely they can.

I'd like to tell you that when Rosa's gone I spend my time moping round the house, pining at work and crying into my pillow late at night but that would be a lie. I've actually spent most of my time watching zombie films and playing Fallout 3 on the old Xbox. Fallout 3 is the new CRPG set in a post-apocalyptic world where you try to survive and solve problems in the traditional way, shooting peeps in the face!

See what I mean?

This isn't to say that I've gone all hermit-like or anything. I got free tickets to the Scotland-New Zealand rugby match from an awfy nice Kiwi bloke called Matt so I dragged wee Graham through yesterday for lunch at my club then the pleasure of watching Scotland finally defeat the Kiwi's. Lunch was very nice. I've also got tickets to see De La Soul on Thursday which should be fucking great. Lacking a Kiwigirl to go with I've had to convince my mate Jamesie who hates hiphop that buying a ticket and driving me there and back is a great idea. Weirdly enough he's agreed on the proviso that I am absolutely not allowed to wear hiphop shorts, converse in a ghetto stylee or gett blinged up. He's a harsh man but fair.

Parochial Sports News

2008-08-05T09:15:00.004Z

As you may be aware I've been an Arab, that is a Dundee United, supporter all my life. I grew up in through the 80's when United were a force in European football with famous wins against such teams as Barcelona and FC Benfica. It was a great team full of character and brilliance and it's brightest star for me was Paul Sturrock who was one of the greatest left-wingers of his time and a fantastic guy. One of the highlights of my young life was being a ballboy for the team in a European game even if I'll always be remembered as the lad that threw the ball to the wrong team, much to the hilarity of the whole city which was watching the game on Scotsport.

Suffice to say Sturrock is one of my greatest heroes so it was a bit of a blow recently to recently learn that he has been suffering from Parkinsons for eight years. At times like this you need to get things in perspective and Sturrock helped us Arabs do just that on Saturday after United beat Plymouth Argyle, the team he manages, 1-0 in Saturdays pre-season friendly.

This has caused quite a bit of controversy in the City of Discovery with many Dundee fans expressing shock and the Lord Provost saying he was 'disappointed' with the comments. I'm with Sturrock on this one though,

Sturrock later apologised if he had caused any offence and said his comments had been intended as banter.

He said, “My remarks were entirely tongue-in-cheek.

“If I have offended anyone I apologise but it was just banter, the sort of thing I’ve been on the receiving end of for the last 25 years whenever I’ve been out on the town in Dundee.

“I have no ill feelings towards Dundee fans and was deeply touched by the kind messages of support I received from them last week when I revealed I was suffering from Parkinson’s disease.”

In the end it's all fun and nothing more than you'd hear in the pub between mates who support the opposing teams. Anyway Sturrock is a mere amateur when it comes to controversy involving United. To see a true professional at work observe the legendary Sir Jim McLeans method of dealing with stupid questions, it's worth watching the whole 3 minutes for the buildup to the climax.

I Hate Scotland

2008-07-26T02:08:00.004Z

I've been an almost fan of Ballboy for years, always nearly getting around to catching a gig or buying an album. It's a bit of a loss because they are fucking brilliant likesay!

Parochial Poetry Day

2008-07-14T19:35:00.002Z

I wouldn't like to think that the citizens of Dundee are an uncultured lot. Au contraire we are a city of people who take great joy in indulging in new experiences in the world of art. As evidence I present a letter writer to the Daily Telegraph who has chosen to break free from the shackles of mere prose and enter a new world of poetry,

What for?


I composed this poem because the news gets more depressing every day. Where Has Great Britain Gone? I remember during the War When people helped one another, But now it seems that every day This country is getting like “Big Brother”. Politicians are sitting in Parliament Making up their own rules Such as closing little post offices And also lots of schools. Because they are all the “Fat Cats” With two houses, and two cars, Who grant themselves big pay rises And now live like film stars. Food prices are rising daily, Also the price of petrol and oil And ordinary folk are struggling to manage No matter how hard they toil. Prisons are now like holiday camps Where inmates all have a T.V., But do they pay a licence for it, Or do they also get that free? Prisoners get days out shopping, Making a prison sentence a joke, And ordinary people who like a drink and a fag Have to stand outside the bar to smoke. Parents can’t discipline their kids now By giving them little smacks, Then they wonder why some teenagers Are found guilty of street attacks. So where has Great Britain gone The country who won the War? When thousands of young folk lost their lives And I’m wondering now, “WHAT FOR”? — Jean Hendrie, Strathmore Place, Broughty Ferry, Dundee.

It's always good when peeps find new ways to say we're going to Hell in a handcart and that stopping prisoners having to shit into buckets and not being able to beat our children is what's responsible. Really gives you a warm feeling inside likesay.

Parochial News Day

2008-07-10T19:35:00.006Z

It's been quite a week in the news what with our current wars oversea, North Korea giving up its nuclear ambitions and the breakup of Jordan & Peter Andres marriage but all this was put into perspective by the front page of yesterdays Courier,

Dismay after shaggy dog has close shave

Fiona Whyte with Eddie.

By Debbie Kerr

A DUNDEE pet owner has been left distraught after her dog was treated to a makeover at a doggy beauty parlour in the city.

Fiona Whyte took her dog Eddie—a six-year-old Lhasa Apso—to the Family Friends Grooming Parlour, in Albert Street, but could not believe her eyes when he came back bald.

The shocked pet owner said Eddie had been booked in only to get his long coat trimmed back last Thursday but was horrified to discover that her beloved pooch had been shaved all over.

Fiona, of Gowan Avenue, said, “His coat was getting quite long and can get quite matted so I decided to put him in so they could take his coat back a bit and brush it out, which was agreed with the shop at the time.

“However, they must have decided that his hair was so matted that the quickest thing to do was just to shave his coat off.”

Fiona added, “They completely shaved him with a razor as if he were a sheep or something. No one called me to ask my permission to shave him, even though I had left my contact number with them. They didn’t have any right to shave his entire coat.”

Fiona’s mum went to collect the hapless dog later that afternoon while she was at work and she was dismayed to see how Eddie looked when she arrived home that evening.

She continued, “I was really upset when I saw him after work, he looked like a completely different dog. I would have gone to complain straight away but the shop was closed by then and wasn’t open again until Tuesday.”

In addition to Eddie’s slightly odd appearance, Fiona says there have been serious consequences of the unauthorised shear.

“He has been really affected by it and is constantly biting himself or doing the toilet in the house even though he has been house trained for six years,” she said.

“He has been really nervous and is constantly running about and is finding it difficult to sit down. This is totally out of character as he is usually quite a relaxed dog but since this, he has just been a nervous wreck.”

Irene Cunningham, the manager of the Family Friends Grooming Parlour, has hit back at the dog owner’s accusations, claiming she had no other option but to shave Eddie’s coat.

She said, “Mrs Whyte has come into the shop in the past and I have even showed her how to groom Eddie properly. Unfortunately there was just no way that I could keep his coat because it was so badly matted and unhealthy. When we cut it just came off like a sheep’s coat—it came off in one.

“This is not the first time that we have groomed Eddie and when anything has happened in the past, it has never been a problem.

“I still have Eddie’s coat in the shop and you can see it is completely matted—I was left with no other option but to take it off. Eddie is much happier without his coat on but Mrs Whyte is not.”

The Earth shook for me when I read this brilliant piece of journalism I can tell you. This is the kind of story that can blow a town like Dundee wide open. Realising the huge import of a story like this The Courier was quick to update us today,

Dog ‘do’ the right thing to do—SSPCA
A DUNDEE animal parlour’s decision to cut short a dog’s hair was vindicated by the SSPCA last night.

An officer from the Scottish Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals visited Family Friends Grooming Parlour in Albert Street after a complaint by dog owner Fiona Whyte was reported in The Courier.

Fiona had taken her six-year-old Lhasa Apso to the parlour to get its long coat trimmed and was not happy that her dog’s hair appeared to have been shaved all over.

Parlour manager Irene Cunningham again defended her decision to cut the hair so short, saying last night they had “no other option because the dog’s coat was so matted.”

Irene called the SSPCA to show them the matted hair and prove she was right to have trimmed it so short.

An SSPCA spokeswoman said last night, “One of our investigators visited the parlour this morning to look at the cut hair and although it is not a major problem he will be talking with the owner. Although the upper coat of a Lhasa Apso can appear shiny and groomed, the undercoat can be difficult to maintain.

“The groomer was left with no option but to take the hair that short. Cutting a dog’s hair down to that level means it is easier to maintain and groom. Now the dog’s hair is smart and suitable for summer.

“Hopefully this situation will be resolved between the parlour owner and the dog owner.”

The spokeswoman emphasised the importance for owners to maintain their dog’s coat, both as a method of bonding but also for ensuring they are carrying out regular health checks on their pet.

“Every dog needs to be groomed,” she added.

“A matted coat is trouble for a dog... we have seen a case in the past where a dog owner was taken to court—their Lhasa Apso had not been groomed for a year and when the vet examined the dog its leg fell off because the matted hair had cut off the blood supply.”

Nothing really surprising in the meat of the story, the woman was clearly negligent and a bit of a nutter, but it's the last quote that really gets me. The SSPCA is telling us that if we don't groom our pets properly bits of them might spontaneously fall off! I don't want to be overly suspicious but I am left wondering if perhaps the vet was examining the poor animal with some sort of sharp instrument when this happened, a chainsaw perhaps. If this is true though I worry for all my beardy friends out there. Be sure and groom your facewarmer properly kids or you might wake up one morning without a head!

Being Scottish is...

2008-06-23T18:33:00.002Z

A two-up two-down, two point five and a dish on the roof for the soaps!

2008-06-23T11:36:00.004Z

So after months of pain and misery I'm finally able to blog from the new home of Rosa, Guinness and I. It's not been an easy ride what with the Scotlands abysmal house-buying rules, the credit crunch and the seller of our flat who I will henceforth refer to as Mad Bitch but we've made it. I've already ranted about the Scottish system and I'm sure we're all aware of current worldwide financial problems but I've kept quiet about Mad Bitch just in case she stumbled across this blog before contracts were swapped and decided to do something to fuck the deal up.

We first saw the flat in early March when we were shown around by what seemed a perfectly nice lassie with a rather cute black cat and a partner who though my t-shirt was cool, clearly a man of taste. We were rather taken by it what with it's massive living room, good-sized bathroom, kitchen that two or three could cook in and a view of where we got married but decided to have a think then get back to them. In between we had a rather fantastic visit to Rosa's auld dears in Portugal and when we cam back we put in an offer which, after a small amount of haggling, was accepted so we merrily went along and arranged for a survey. Now at this point we had to decide what level of survey to go for. You get three levels to choose from; a basic valuation, a proper survey and an incredibly close look at every facet of the building by a highly qualified team of surveyors who got accused of a crime they never committed whilst serving in 'Nam, escaped from a high security stockade and now live in the Los Angeles underground. As George Peppard has cacked it we went for the second option and got some interesting results back.

Whilst the flat was basically worth what we offered there were some worries about damp coming through a couple of the walls and resulting damage to flooring so a timber specialist would have to called in for a wee nosey. Not a problem we answered, best to keep things on the up & up and find out where a'body stands likesay. Henceforth a timber specialist was called in by our people, at no extra charge which was nice, and a date for his inspection agreed, clearly this was going to be an easy straightforward deal. Little did we know.

One of the problems Rosa and I have had with buying a flat has been our availability during the working day. We both work in environments that make it difficult to contact us which made everything quite a lot harder. Poor Rosa ended up having to deal directly with the majority of what follows which was bad mainly because it was hassle she didn't need but also because I'm more of an arsehole who will just say no than she is. Anyway on the day of the inspection we our solicitors contact us to say that whilst the timber specialist was allowed access to the flat the owner had moved here suite over the area he needed to inspect and now refused to move it again to give him access. Now I know what it's like to get you living room just so and mibbee moving the suite might have fucked up her feng shui or something but surely she wanted to sell us the flat. Evidently not.

As discussions went on we discovered that Mad Bitch was moving to England with tasteful in t-shirts lad and really needed to sell her flat but she clearly wasn't that desperate. Her rather embarrassed solicitors had a wee chat with her and she agreed to have the timber specialist have a look. Of course when we start getting to the nitty gritty she starts talking about making the specialist sign forms saying he'll pay for any damage she claims is done and taking photies throughout the process which our very professional tradesman says is not going to happen of course. Finally her solicitors talk to her again and we can get our man in two weeks later. To make things perfect she's in Switzerland during this period so she can't hassle the poor bloke who still isn't getting paid for all this crap.

So finally we get the timber specialist in, he has a good look and we gt our report. Turns out that there is some urgent work needing done to our floor joists and walls and this will cost two grand plus. As this is structural stuff the value of the property also falls by that much meaning we'll have to pay the difference ourselves. We revise our offer to account for this saying that we'll give her the full amount if she pays for the work. Mad Bitch replies saying that she'll go halfies, this doesn't mean she'll pay half the work it means she wants us to give her up to £1500 just because she wants it. Much wrangling with her very embarrassed solicitors ensues and she finally agrees to the lower price so a'hing's set and we can get the mortgage together and move in!

Not quite.

During this period the credit crunch has really set in so when we apply for our perfect mortgage they say yes but offer us a sum that falls a couple of grand short of what we asked for. This isn't a major catastrophe, we just have to go to our second choice who offered us sixty grand more than we wanted, but does cost us a few days. Mad Bitches reaction is, to her solicitors extreme embarrassment, to put the flat back on the market which is irritating to say the least but since she legally has to tell everybody about the work needing done we figured we'd have breathing space.

Anyway finally the money comes through, the documents are ready and we're poised to move in and suddenly Mad Bitch says that since the flat will be worth the initial survey price once the works done can she have the full price please? She actually goes to the extent of having her solicitors contact the timber specialist and ask if he'll give a guarantee that the work would raise the value of the flat to what she wanted, apparently they came across as very very embarrassed. Given that this is the equivalent of asking for an extra twenty grand because we might build an extension in the next five years we told her poor solicitors where to go and finally the Mad Bitch relented and we became home owners.

It's been bloody horrible but sitting here with Guinness laid across the rug and watching kids play in the park where I married my daft, lolloping Kiwi it's completely worth it. It's our space and it's the kind of space we both wanted when we started this stupidity. I love it.

Parochial News Day

2008-06-05T17:41:00.005Z

Parochial News is a bit different today because for the past month I've mainly been hanging out in Liberty City. It's a tough life in the old city and not always fair but you can always rely on your local bobby,

Liberty City Police Face Allegations Of Incompetence, Brutality

June 4, 2008 | Issue 44•23

LCPD officers deal with a shoplifting suspect.

LIBERTY CITY—With the city in the midst of a record crime wave, concerned citizens claim the Liberty City Police Department has done little to prevent the constant car chases, ongoing gun battles, and overall atmosphere of violence that pervade the area.

"I used to feel safe in Liberty City, but lately, it's been total mayhem," said night-shift worker Lola Del Rio, who spoke to reporters while sucking nervously on a red lollipop. "In the past week alone, I've been carjacked twice, run over 10 times, and witness to a half-dozen gunfights that ended with automobiles exploding. What are the police doing to stop all this?"

Enlarge Image
Officers respond to one of the 43,274 murders reported in the city last month.

Since the surge in crime, which began on April 28 at midnight, more than 830,000 civilians have been murdered—nearly one-tenth of Liberty City's total population. In addition, 35,000 vehicles have been reported stolen, many of which were then driven illegally over sidewalks and pedestrian walkways before plunging into the nearby Humboldt River. And according to startling figures released by local community action group Citizens for a Safer City, drug trafficking has become rampant and prostitution has increased by 800 percent.

"I was shot 14 times on my way to work today, including twice by police," said one Algonquin-area resident. "That is unacceptable."

Many blame the LCPD directly for the increase in criminal activity, citing the department's lax procedure for arresting criminals, which involves taking 10 percent of the suspect's money, confiscating his weapons, and simply releasing him from custody later that day. Outraged citizens say this is not enough, especially in a city where assault rifles can be found on factory roofs and grenade caches are located under the globe at the old World's Fair site.

"The police just let them go, and 20 minutes later they're shooting at the very same criminals from helicopters," veteran crime reporter Mike Whiteley said. "That is not proper law enforcement. We may be seeing a return to the bad old days of 2002, when the police, the FIB, and even Army tank battalions would leave countless bodies on the streets while attempting to capture just one man on some sort of joyful mass-destruction spree."

Perhaps even more alarming, city records indicate that more than 75 percent of perpetrators in mass-murder or vehicular-manslaughter cases escape, usually by simple methods such as driving into a car-repainting facility. Criminals have even eluded pursuit by walking into their apartment and going to bed for six hours, after which the search has been called off.

However, one LCPD official, who wished to remain anonymous, blamed the recent crime wave on the police department's lack of proper equipment.

"We are only equipped to pursue a suspect within a small radius on a very basic half-centimeter radar screen," the officer said. "If we were allowed to seek criminals who escaped this radius for more than 15 seconds, our results would improve dramatically."

"And to those who say the LCPD is too quick to resort to deadly force, remember that almost 850,000 police officers, FIB agents, and N.O.O.S.E. [National Office of Security Enforcement] team members have died in the line of duty in the past month," he added.

Nonetheless, residents say that their confidence in the Liberty City police force—low in the best of times—has eroded almost completely.

"I was buying a hot dog from a street vendor in Hove Beach yesterday when I saw someone run a red light, barrel down the sidewalk, careen into a garbage truck, exit his vehicle, steal a nearby convertible, and drive away," one Broker resident reported. "A nearby police car didn't even react. But when the car behind him nicked his fender, the officer shot the driver through the windshield and walked away."

"That is not the kind of law enforcement we want for our community," he added.

Most admit that the problem is not a lack of police presence, as the LCPD currently operates 15 different police stations throughout the city's four boroughs, and there is a seemingly infinite number of officers on duty at all times to respond to reported crimes. However, citizens say the officers' "shoot-first" mentality and willingness to accept bribes only contributes to the city's widespread violence and corruption.

"It's almost as if the cops in this town are as much an adversarial faction as the criminals," said public defender Kiki Jenkins, who is rumored to be instrumental in recent incidents of police being inexplicably pulled from chases and criminal pursuit. "Sure, we have excellent radio stations and an incredible range of things to see and do here. But if I were younger, I'd move to Mario World in a second."

Things I have learned whilst turning from 34-35!

2008-05-04T00:23:00.004Z

Try to avoid posting at three in the morning whilst pished! Thank God I yelled abort first thing on Sunday morning.

To make up for this I present the trailer for new Brit film out on Thursday Doomsday. It's pretty much Mad Max in a proper non-colonial country. Ed'll love it!

Just because

2008-04-28T18:36:00.001Z

A mate passed me a link to the new Pheonix Foundation video and I just though Ed and Marieke might like it,

In which tapdancing, existentialism & penguins collide

2008-04-07T19:44:00.003Z

Why are Calvinists against sex standing up?

Because it’s dangerously close to dancing.

At the weekend Rosa and I watched Happy Feet, the heartwarming animation about a penguin who can’t sing but can tapdance. Now this seems like a pretty thin premise to base a 90 minute film on and to be frank it is. The film meanders it’s way through some rather boring singing, pointless chases and pretty dull digressions. My mate Martin said that he felt it gave him some pretty good insight into autism and I can see that. The main character Mumble has a birth defect that hinders his communication with others, apparently emperor penguins mating rituals consist of elaborate singing of popular music a la Moulin Rouge, and the film charts his progress in making others understand his condition and eventually teaching them his form of communication. Of course this means at the end all the other penguins can sing and dance which means that not only is Mumbles a cripple he’s given away the only thing that makes him special. To be fair there are some laughs from Robin Williams South American penguins, the computer animation is fantastic and I quite enjoyed the emperor penguins Calvinist leader who reminds me of the joke at the start but it’s not enough to compete against stuff like The Incredibles or Finding Nemo.

What would have improved the film immensely would have been to end it around ten minutes earlier than they did. At this point Mumbles has been captured and put into a zoo. We watch as he first loses hope and then his mind, he begins repeatedly running against the wall in a scene of mad despair. As the broken penguin bangs his head against the wall again and again the scene shifts to a view of the country, then the world and finally to the uncaring void of space. The End!

Now I understand that this may seem a bit of a depressing way to end a childrens film but this isn’t just because of the pleasure I would gain from watching hundreds of little brats greeting their wee hearts out as they leave the picture house although that’s definitely a consideration. The reason for ending it here would be not only that it makes it a better film but that it would teach the bairns early on what their life is going to be like. After taking the child to see the film I picture the loving parent explaining to them that they are that penguin and it is their head that will banging against the wall for the next seventy years. Nothing like crushing their expectations early if you ask me.

This is it, this is where I'll be

2008-04-07T19:37:00.001Z

After weeks of house-hunting and a few disappointments it looks like Rosa and I may finally have managed to sort of, nearly buy a flat. The week before we headed out to Portugal to hang out with her auld dears we had a viewing of a two bedroom flat which turned out to be exactly what we wanted and last Monday they accepted our second offer of only thirteen grand more than the asking price. Of course this doesn’t mean we actually have the flat yet as a survey brought up possible problems with damp floorboards or something so we’re having to send in a timber specialist to check it out and tell us if he needs to do whatever timber specialists do or not as the case may be. Once we know if anything needs done we can offer the owners a bit less to cover it so it’s all good.

“But enough of the boring stuff what about the flat?” I hear you cry. Well that’s what my mind is telling me when in reality if anybody was ever reading this they gave up long ago and everything I’m typing is being flung into the void of cyberspace only to be stumbled upon by people of mistype their Google searches. It’s all a bit pointless really when you think about it. I mean what’s it all about? We come from nothing and we go into nothing and what do we leave? Nothing. There’s really no point in anything really although Smarties are nice. Anyway enough channelling Graham let me tell you about the flat. It’s a two bedroom ground floor flat right around the corner from the one we used to rent. If you were up for the wedding you’ll know where it is as it’s right across the road from the park we got married in. The kitchen’s a good size with plenty of room for the two of us to cook and the bathroom and bedrooms are fine but the living room is fantastic. More the 20’ long and east facing there’s plenty of room for a dining table and we’ll get the morning sun. All in all it’s a great flat that should do us for a long time and give us a decent profit if we sell so let’s hope it all works out and we can move in next month.

I've never met a nice South African!

2008-03-15T00:18:00.005Z

This is of course a complete lie but growing up in the 80's we had a very particular view of the Saffy's and to be fair we mostly had a point. Meeting peeps like Marieke, her family and friends show a lot about how wrong we were in a way but this is dedicated to the young guys Ed and I had a drink with when we were out camping,

Parochial News Day!

2008-03-09T11:49:00.004Z

Just on a whim I decided to look at New Zealand news today. Imagine my surprise to stumble on a story so relevant not only to myself but to some of you out there,

Cricket: NZ win first test against England by 189 runs

1:08PM Sunday March 09, 2008

Ross Taylor, Jeetan Patel and Jamie How congratulate Kyle Mills during day five.
New Zealand have won the first cricket test against England by 189 runs after the tourist's second innings disintegrated for just 110 on the final afternoon at Seddon Park here today.
Ian Bell top scored in a forlorn run chase, his unbeaten 54 one of only two double figure contributions before England were routed shortly before the tea interval.
Monty Panesar was the last wicket to fall when he was caught by Brendon McCullum off the bowling of Jacob Oram for eight.
Seamers Kyle Mills and Chris Martin wrought the havoc with spells of four for nine and three for nine respectively decimating an England innings that lasted just 55 overs.
Mills finished with four for 16 from 13 overs and Martin three for 33 from 13.
New Zealand skipper Daniel Vettori was named man of the match after innings of 88 and 35 dovetailed with a big bowling output - two for 60 off 38 overs in England's first innings.
England had been set 300 to win after Vettori declared New Zealand's second innings closed at 177 for nine seven overs into the day.

The second test of the three-match series starts at Wellington's Basin Reserve on Thursday.
- NZPA

I really don't think the NZ Herald is being entirely fair about this match. The BBC website is much more balanced in it's description of one of Englands "most ignominous defeats in recent history" as they got a "paltry 110 on a flat track" and I'm inclined to agree. Kevin Pietersens face was priceless. Add to this the English losing 15-9 to Scotland in the rugby Calcutta Cup yesterday, awful game though it was, and I'm a very happy man.

One of the things I've always liked about the Kiwis is that they are such nice people. Take rap star Che Fu for example. Whilst Snoop Dogg is getting done for guns and drugs and is banned from entering the UK, 50 Cent is showing off his bullet scars and Mike Skinner is telling stories of drug-taking and shagging pop starlets Che Fu is giving something back,

Che Fu wants recycling lyrics
East And Bays Courier | Saturday, 08 March 2008

Kiwi music star Che Fu has written a rap chorus promoting recycling and wants kids to fill in the gaps.

The renowned R’n’B artist is working with the Glass Packaging Forum to encourage young people to recycle at home, school and the community.

A competition aimed at nine to 15-year-olds asks kids and teens to turn their thoughts on recycling into lyrics to Che Fu’s music.

The winning students from the North and South islands each win $1000 for their schools and a day recording their lyrics with Che Fu in an Auckland studio.

Every school will receive a poster with details of the competition in their copy of the Education Gazette.

Students can download the beat and then "rap the gaps" with their own words.

Lyrics need to include a name for the new mobile glass crusher, say why glass recycling is important and what the crushed glass could be used for in their community.

The competition is open until April 18. Winners will be announced on World Environment Day on June 5, which will be hosted in Wellington.

Kids today! When I was young it was all about misogyny, drugs and violence, now look at them with their social awareness and care of the environment They should be hanging out on street corners drinking cheap white cider and getting off with each other. It never did me any harm.

Meanwhile the Manukau Courier shows us that there are seriously mental people everywhere you look,

Guide dogs have a giggle
Manukau Courier | Friday, 07 March 2008

Supplied

BUGGED: Guide dog puppy Emjay looks a little unsure about being dressed as a ladybird for the fancy dress competition at Manurewa fun day.

Tails, not tongues were wagging on Sunday when 29 guide dog puppies and breeding stock gathered for their annual fun day at the Guide Dog Services centre in Manurewa.

The day is a chance for volunteer puppy walkers, breeding stock guardians and guide dog boarders to get together and have a good time, says puppy development manager Paula Gemmell.

"They are really vital to the success of the guide dog programme so it’s great to give them the chance to get to know each other, chat and share their funny stories."

"It’s meant to be a fun day but it can get quite competitive out there!" she says.

The dogs competed in a range of categories from best condition to waggiest tail and even entered a fancy dress competition.

Volunteer puppy walkers socialise young puppies as part of the guide dog puppy development programme.

Their role is to introduce the puppies to situations they will encounter as guide dogs.

The Royal New Zealand Foundation of the Blind’s annual Red Puppy Appeal is from April 4 to 6 so puppy walkers, breeding stock guardians, guide dog boarders and thousands of other volunteers will be out collecting money.

The foundation needs to raise more than $1 million so it can continue to provide guide dogs to blind, deaf-blind and vision-impaired New Zealanders.

Now I'm all for a bit of fun but look at what they've done to the poor we animal! Not to be outdone the Taranaki Daily News goes one weirdo better. I like what they've done with the title btw,

Horrie in hurry hitches a ride in a Honda
JAYNE HULBERT jayne.hulbert@tnl.co.nz - Taranaki Daily News | Saturday, 08 March 2008

MARK DWYER/Taranaki Daily News

Anna Kirk and Horrie the donkey take a road trip in Anna's Honda Civic.

Donkeys are known for their use as transport, but Horrie prefers to hitch a ride in a Honda.

Anna Kirk's been known to take her favourite donkey Horrie on a road trip in the back of her three-door Honda Civic.

This week Horrie happily climbed aboard Anna's red Civic, stood up on the back seat and took in the scenery during their 40-minute jaunt in rural New Plymouth. Why? Well, why not?

Anna (21) wanted her parents to meet young Horrie and her trusty Honda proved the perfect transport.

And Anna had her reasons for the taking the loveable Horrie to the visit the folks. "I wanted mum and dad to buy him themselves really and I thought if I took him up there to show them, then, well they would love him," laughed Anna.

Unfortunately, Anna's mum and dad weren't home. She says Horrie seemed quite content in the car.

While there was a comfort stop along the way, Horrie did disgrace himself once in the car, but that hasn't put Anna off.

"Maybe I'll just take him to the beach, or my boyfriend's house ... shorter trips I think."

Horrie is one of a trio of jacks (male donkeys) being cared for at the country property where Anna boards. About a year old, Horrie and his siblings Ronald and Buddy, are living the good life on Carrington Rd.

So don't be surprised if you see Anna and Horrie hitting the highways in the Honda.

You may think that's funny but it's a health and safety nightmare that just wouldn't be acceptable here at the heart of the Empire. We have much better ways of making an ass out of ourselves.

I'll get my coat.

Home, this is where I'll be!

2008-03-07T21:02:00.002Z

So once again I’ve been neglecting the old blog but it’s not just because I’ve been distracted by pubs, games and general laziness like normal. To be fair I have spent a lot of the time in the pub, playing games or lazing about but a man doesn’t live on bread alone an a’that and with the Budget only a month away it behooves me to grab a few swallys before the Chancellor puts the price of beer up. Anyway a few weeks ago Rosa and I stood back and had a look at our priorities and realising she’s not getting any younger, I’m not so sure about me, we decided to re-arrange our priorities slightly. This means delaying going to Africa in the short-term and investing our hard earned cash into something solid for the future, in other words we’ve started hunting for a flat.

Now the first steps into the property market are relatively painless. There’s the giddy excitement of looking at what’s out there followed closely by the despair of working out what you can afford with your bank which changes to slow creeping terror ass you talk to your financial advisor and find out lots of new and interesting ways to get yourself into a lifetime of debt and servitude to The Man. As I said it’s all relatively painless, maybe the equivalent of sawing your left foot off with a rusty hacksaw but you know it’ll all work out. Well either that or you’ll over-extend yourself and end up homeless and bankrupt but that’s all part of the giddy excitement of living in a capitalist society.

The actual looking for places is actually quite good fun as long as you remember that there’s no point having a wander down to the estate agents as they’re all only open between 9 and 5 Monday to Friday. Clearly they don’t actually want to have to meet any working peeps looking to buy so a casual wander around on a Saturday afternoon is a definite no-no. Thank God for t’internet through which you can browse over nearly everything available, get floorplans and pics and check out where a property is on Googlemaps. Of course you’ve still got to call the estate agents to get a viewing which means having to call from work cos they can’t be arsed being at all flexible. After this you get to wander around peoples houses trying to be nice but not give too much away about what you really think whilst they try to convince you that although they live only two streets away from Dens and Tannadice match day traffic really isn’t that bad. It’s a really weird experience. Then one day you find a flat you’re definitely interested and skip gaily home to call your FA and put in an offer. This is where the real pain begins.

Now you peeps in other parts of the world are probably nodding sagely at this as you think of the pain you went through buying property for yourself but what you felt is but a shadow of the true agony of buying in Scotland. You see in most places if somebody wants to sell their house they decide how much they want for it then advertise it at that price. The prospective buyers come along and make offers either at the price asked or a bit lower if they think the owner will sell at it. The bid is then either accepted or not, contracts are exchanged and a’body happily moves on with their lives. Of course there’s still the danger of being part of a broken chain or being gazumped but the basics are pretty straightforward and whilst not great doesn’t engender the cosmic dread that the Scottish system does.

In Scotland the seller decides how much he wants for the house, takes anything from 5 to 25 thousand pounds off that price then advertises it as offers over the new figure eg if the seller wants £105,000 he might advertise at offers over £89,000. Any prospective buyers who come along then have to guess how much the seller really wants. It’s sort of like The Price is Right only with you betting your future on the guess of the price. When viewing a flat you find yourself playing weird mindgames as you try to figure out what the owner wants and he tries to get you to offer as much as possible. All this leads to where we are now.

Last Sunday afternoon Rosa and I went to view a top floor two bedroomed flat nearwhere we live. It’s not in the absolute best area but it’s pretty big and 5 minutes from our haunts in Stoby so it’s not awful either. Anyway having a look around we agree that the flat itself is pretty stunning with great views, big rooms and great storage and a chat with the owner reveals what price he’s actually looking for. On leaving we call Barry our FA and set everything in motion to make an offer at the price the owner quoted. Within the day we get an answer that whilst the owner isn’t rejecting the offer he’s going to wait to see what else he gets then yesterday we find out that they’ve set a closing date for next Wednesday so all bids from now on will be sealed. So now this bloke is going to tell a’body what he’s offered in the hope they’ll up the bid whilst also hoping that even if he gets no other offers we’ll up ours in fear of somebody outbidding us. In pain terms this is somewhere around hacking your left bollock off with a dull spoon.

A side effect of all this, and one I was warned about, is the shockingly deep hatred I feel toward the seller for saying what he wants then holding out for more. Intellectually I know he’s just acting on good advice and I’d do exactly but that doesn’t mean I won’t hunt him down like the dog he is if I don’t get this flat. I’ve been assured that he undoubtedly hates me right back for not offering him more than he wanted so the second viewing at the weekend should be fun as we try to maintain a veneer of civilization over our mutual loathing. He seemed like such a nice guy as well.

I'm just a symptom of the moral decay that's gnawing at the heart of the country!

2008-02-17T19:33:00.004Z

I have to apologise to my reader for once again not blogging for ages. I'd love to say that this was because of illness, death, madness or some terrible family tragedy but in reality I was mainly at the pub with mates or playing the Xbox. Actually those reasons aren't all that bad though it might be good to try and combine pub and Xbox time for a more efficient use of the old energy likesay.

So let's get right into what's been happening. The biggest news is that in the past week or so Rosa and I have decided to knock Africa on the head for the time being and buy a flat in Dundee instead. This is really one of those good and bad things that kinda balance out so I won't whinge. Anyway we've started the hunt for a reasonably priced two bedroomed apartment with a fabulous view and decent neighbours and have high hopes of fulfilling at least one of those criteria before handing over the wedge. Serendipitously house prices fell throughout the whole of Scotland this week, apart from Dundee where they went up a bit.

In other news despite a bit of a scare my Dads recovery continues, Boris the Xbox 360 died and had to go to the Microsoft necromancers to be resurrected and I took advantage of Rosa' Christmas present to visit my gentlemens club in Edinburgh. Everybody should have a gentlemens club.

There's much more to say, including loads of parochial news, but I'll do that when I can be arsed.

New music of 2007

2008-01-06T23:40:00.001Z

Just cos this came up in a forum I managed to list most of the stuff I picked up last year and what I thought about it. It was a good year for music but not as good as this years going to be likesay.

The View - Hats Off To The Buskers: I'd been waiting for a year for this recordand whilst very good it would have been better if released earlier. Still a great Dundee band and I have high hopes that The Law will secure the cities musical upturn.

The Rakes - Ten New Messages: Not a bad album but very inconsistent.

Biffy Clyro - Puzzle: Really uncool and they don't care. Likeable enough to have lasted a while on the old MP3 player.

Beastie Boys - The Mix Up: Good jazz-funk instrumentals though definitely a mood thing for me.

Arctic Monkeys - Fave Worst Nightmare: Not as impressive as their debut but still fantastic.

The Aliens - Astronomy For Dogs: Although not as good as The Beta Band and perhaps their eclecticism lets them down a bit still an awfy good album made even more impressive if you're aware that people from Fife are born without opposable thumbs. It was fun dancing to The Happy Song at my wedding as well.

Bloc Party - A Weekend In The City: Top indie miserabilists produce a fun album. Went through a bit of a London kick earlier in the year when all I was listening to was them, The Rakes, Lady Sov, Dizze Rascal and the likes. Speaking of which,

Dizzee Rascal - Maths + English: Dizzee really came into his own with this album showing a new maturity and kinda reminding me of Ludacris's last effort for some reason. Lily Allen also entertains on one song, she always seems better on other peeps stuff for some reason.

Jamie T - Panic Prevention: My favourite album of the year sound sort of like The Streets meets The Clash which can only be a good thing. I'm really looking forward to hearing more stuff from the young lad.

Dinosaur Jr - Beyond: This is a weird one because it's Dinosaur Jr which makes it greeat and I loved it but I was mibbee expecting something new from them which isn't here.

The Foo Fighters - Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace: Exactly the same feelings about this as about Dinosaur Jr's new one.

Black Francis - Bluefinger: Once again see my comments on Dinosaur Jr's album. Is a pattern starting to take shape here?

Gorillaz - D-Sides: There's a lot here and I'm still trying to get my head around it. Mostly good though.

The Good, The Bad and The Queen: Awfy good album.

Kings of Leon - Because of the Times: White boys with guitars do what they do best. I love this.

New Young Pony Club - Fantastic Playroom: A fantastic retro 80's sound, smart lyrics and a secy female singer.

Mark Ronson - Version: Very very contrived which both works for and against the album.

Queens of the Stone Age - Era Vulgaris: More white boys with guitars and you gotta love them.

The Arcade Fire - Neon Bible: I absolutely adore this album with its clear nods to Talking Heads and reflective lyrics.

The White Stripes - Icky Thump: I enjoyed it well enough but couldn't really get into it. Peeps who put bagpipes into rock or pop should be killed painfully.

Thurston Moore - Trees Outside the Academy: This is still in my MP3 player so I must love it. Sounds a bit country at some points.

Wu-Tang Clan - 8 Diagrams: Not long had this and I'm enjoying it though I can see why some may not like their new direction. If this is the make or break album for them it's difficult to say how they'll do as it may alienate some of their audience. I still like it.

This didn't include loads of old stuff I picked up or the hiphop I bought Rosa cos nothing says you love somebody like 45 minutes of misogynistic rap.

New Years Parochial Letters Day

2008-01-06T19:13:00.001Z

If anybody actually reads this shite sorry for not blogging for a couple of months but Rosa and I got caught up in the whole moving house rubbish and then had to have a second honeymoon as the romance was going out of the whole marriage type thing. Anyway I'll be catching up on all that but what you've really missed is the missives to my local newspapers so,

Sick to back teeth of bleating


I am sick to the back teeth of bleating pensioners, policemen, firemen and nurses constantly complaining about their lot. Pensioners have never had it so good with heating allowances (even if working), free travel (somebody has to pay for it) and woman OAPs receiving their state pension from 60 while my generation must slog on until we are 68. The definition of fixed income is when your income does not increase. This does not happen with the state pension even though this is a pensioner mythical complaint. Nurses, firemen and police wages are well over the national average and very considerably above the local average. What they conveniently ignore is the taxpayer-funded, index-linked pension schemes they receive are paid while they are still relatively young and fit enough to enjoy them. And the benefits they receive cost far more than 6% to 12% employee contributions. Bitter? A wee bit, but I have every reason to be. — Honest Harry.

One of the things that make me proud to be a Dundonian is that we have always been at the heart of the socialist movement from marching for workers rights in the 19th century to having the first female shop steward in the 20th. We've always been a fairminded lot who believed in supporting our elderly and adequately compensating the peeps that work in our essential services. Given all this I'd like to thank Harry for showing that there are massive arseholes everywhere.

Mince and pudding


As a 50-year-old who has lived in Dundee all my life, I have never heard of a tradition of white pudding and mince. — I. B.

As a 34-year-old who has lived in Dundee all my life I have never heard of a tradition of covering yourself in treacle and jumping into a cattery but I've never felt the need to write to my local paper about it. What great conversations must go on in the B household.

Customer hope


MY HUSBAND and I are regular customers at Jimmy Chung’s, Dundee, and continued to visit during unfounded rumours regarding seagulls. The quality of food and excellent service has been maintained and I hope customers return. — Chris Treanor, Dundee.

I'm pretty sure I mentioned this issue months back. What fascinates me about these clearly rubbish rumours is that they've eschewed the more traditional cat in curry stories. Either way it's nice to see such warmth directed to the Chinese residents of our fair city. OTOH I wouldn't eat in Jimmy Chung's all you can eat buffet if you paid me.

Festive lights warning


I RESPOND to your reader, who was heartened by the display of Christmas lights on a Dundee house. Although this may provide a moment’s satisfaction, the harm to the environment is increasing. The extra use of power will be detrimental to the world in future years. Let’s all have a green Christmas. — Environmentally Conscious.

Just a reminder that your Christmas celebrations are badwrongfun so take down your tacky crap!

And finally you'll be aware that what to do with criminals has been a hotly contested question in the City of Discovery over the last year. I'll leave the last word to Alf,

Hard labour


I was talking to a young man who was unfortunately imprisoned for a few weeks on a minor offence. He whiled away most of his day glued to the television. He revealed that before this he had never watched Joe Pasquale or Noel Edmonds. I thought hard labour had been abolished. — Alf Carlin, Shepherds Loan, Dundee.

Parochial News Day

2007-11-05T19:49:00.000Z

It's that day again so I thought I'd start with the important news,

Rapper stars in Dundee-made kilt
	Snoop at the awards ceremony in the Dundee-made outfit.
The MTV Europe Music Awards in Munich had a surprise Dundee flavour when rapper Snoop Dogg hosted the show in an outfit made by one of the city’s kiltmakers.
The Kilt Hire Co. in Commercial Street could not quite believe it when Snoop’s agent from America contacted the store and asked them to design a customised outfit for the rapper, record producer and actor to wear while hosting the show in Munich’s entertainment arena, Olympiahalle. Performances at the celebrity-studded show included those by the Foo Fighters, Amy Winehouse, My Chemical Romance and Babyshambles. Scott Shields, branch manager of The Kilt Hire Co. said after receiving contact from Snoop’s agent, there was an extremely animated atmosphere in the store. “We were excited last night as we were hoping Snoop was going to wear the outfit as there was a chance he wouldn’t — there was definitely a buzz,” he said. “It’s not every day we get something this big. “For the kilt we went for the Scottish-American tartan, which is mostly red and blue, and the three-quarter length jacket was custom-made with electric blue on it and a detachable hood.” The outfit included a customised sporran with Snoop’s name on in his very own copyrighted font. Scott continued, “His agent called last night to say Snoop had tried the outfit on before the show and loved it, especially as it had electric blue on it which went with his trainers, so it all tied in.” Snoop made his arrival at the awards show in typical gangster rapper style and began hosting the event flanked by girls on motorcycles. The 14th annual MTV Europe Music Awards was staged in Munich — the third time the awards have been held in Germany since the inaugural show in Berlin.

More proof that us Dundonians are down with the hood chillin to the hip tunes in a gangsta stylee whatever that actually means. It's more likely that the unemployment, access to hard drugs and rampant teen pregnancy get him all misty about home but there you go.

In much less important news,

Armed police in early morning raid

Man held in Dundee terrorism swoop

By John Paul Breslin

A MAN has been arrested in Dundee under the Terrorism Act after potentially explosive materials were seized at a house in England.
Police said the 31-year-old, from Goole in Yorkshire, was arrested in a residential area of the city at 1.30 am yesterday.
The Counter Terrorism Unit and firearms officers from Tayside Police carried out the early morning arrest at the house at 119 Pitkerro Road (right).
Another 31-year-old man was arrested in Goole on Wednesday on suspicion of offences under the Terrorism Act when potentially explosive material was discovered during a search of a house.
Material from this house has been sent for forensic examination.
Police said the suspect arrested in Dundee had been returned to Yorkshire for questioning.
Warrant
The man arrested on Wednesday is still in police custody after a warrant of further detention was approved at court on Friday.
A spokeswoman from the Counter Terrorism Unit said police were not searching for anyone else.
She refused to discuss whether the arrest had any connection to Islamist terrorism, although it is understood this is not the case.
Dundee taxi drivers said they had seen up to 10 officers at the house at around 3 am yesterday and had seen a policeman standing guard at the entrance since then.
One local resident said, “I went to bed at about one o’clock and there were no police, but when I woke this morning I could see a lot of officers going into the house.”
“I thought it was a burglary at first but it has to be more serious than that because there are so many officers going into the house and there has been someone guarding the entrance all day.

This one came a bit out of the blue especially as we live on Pitkerro Road. They've definitely confirmed there's no Islamic link so it'll be interesting to find out what's up. Mibbee he just planned on a big firworks party for Guy Fawkes night. That was tonight btw and there was a top display in Baxters Pary.

And in a bit of non-news Perth smells,

‘Nauseating’ smell tackled
PERTH and Kinross Council last night confirmed it has been investigating a “nauseating” smell noticed in Perth in recent days.

Several residents have contacted The Courier to complain of the smell, which has been traced to an agricultural works to the south-west of the town.

The smell was noticeable throughout Perth, with some people citing a possible sewage problem.

One householder, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “It’s been horrendous.

“I’ve noticed it most of the week and thought it might be a problem with the drains in Perth.

“At times it is nauseating.”

A businessman added, “I was walking down South Street when I smelt this awful stench.

“I thought it may have come from a lorry containing chickens.

“It’s something that needs looked into.”

However, Perth and Kinross Council confirmed it has established the origins of the odour and that the matter has now been passed on to SEPA (Scottish Environment Protection Agency).

A council spokesman said, “Investigations by our environmental health staff traced the source of the smell to agricultural works south-west of Perth. SEPA have been notified and are dealing with the matter.”

Dundee United 2-1 Rangers

2007-10-28T22:06:00.000Z

My boys Wilkie and Robson stuck it to the dirty Huns and put us third in the SPL Garry is a happy man.

My Dad'll be happy at the score too, we watched the first 10 minutes on the telly with him. For those who are interested he's doing okay with the heart op stuff but he's picked another virus and the slowness of recovery is getting to both of the Auld Dears. My Dad's a good bloke and doesn't deserve all of this but it will get better. To cheer them up we told them that within a year we're planning on moving to Africa to do voluntary work for a year or two. My Dad was okay but my Mum's a bit gutted, what you going to do though?

In other news Brigit is still wrong

Parochial News and Dundee-Hab Day

2007-10-25T19:34:00.000Z

Well it's been a while what with weddings and stuff getting in the way but the news and accompanying letters about our fair city soldier on. Currently we're having a resurgence of the Dundee Taxi Wars as private hire cars undercut the the normal taxis, it's been going on for a while now and I'm sure you'd love to hear all about it but I frankly think it's dead boring so let's look at this instead,

Ill-thought out ad

The offending billboard.

THERE are billboards in Dundee plugging divorce advice from a firm of solicitors. The ad shows some poor man rolling his eyes, while his wife is clearly nagging him in the background. Women must be furious at this ill-thought-out sexist ad. — Barry Boon, Dundee.

Yup one of our local solicitors is advertising divorce to get away from that shrew of a wife. The picture says it all, Poor Boab's stumbled home after a hard weekend of spending all his pay in the pub and the bookies and that shrew of a wife starts in on him right away. Well now Boab knows exactly where to go for help. Somebody should tell Blackadders that we don't need reminded solicitors are arseholes. Come to think of it is Blackadder really the best name to have if your a solicitor, surely advertising yourself as a relative of a famous comedy conniving bastard isn't the best way to create a sense of trust with your clients?

With Taxi Wars II: The Yellow Plates Strike Back ramping up as taxi drivers have a go slow to get their message across, I'm serious they're actually driving slower than normal in protest, we Dundonians must turn our eyes to other modes of transport. Whilst I continue to practice X-treme Urban Cycling other dudes and dudettes have to get their gnarly kicks from public transport which has it's own hellacious dangers, I'll stop that now,

Buggies should be banned

I watch people getting on and off buses with buggies and sometimes they have great difficulty with the larger ones.
I watch people getting on and off buses with buggies and sometimes they have great difficulty with the larger ones. I fear if there was ever a fire on a bus there would be a tragedy as passengers behind buggies would be trapped. Buggies should be banned. — Observer.

Too much time on your hands and a hatred of single mothers gives Mr Nutty McNutty of Nuttyville here some really weird ideas. I personally think they should ban old people from buses because they smell of wee but I don't feel the need to tell the world about it do I?

Also just so you know,

Clean cats


I HAVE two cats. One goes out to the toilet and clears up after itself. The other uses its tray. I would not go out in the dark to walk two cats at night. — Marion Bathgate, Charleston Drive, Dundee.

Cheers for that Marion! To be honest after 20 minutes of digging I found out what this was all about but if I have to go to all that effort I don't see why you shouldn't.

And finally we move from our local paper to the pages of a national Sunday broadsheet where we can find out how the City of Discovery is seen by others,

This Modern Life

The Habby Habit

Kneehab, Wii-hab and me-hab: the new rehab

John Hind
Sunday October 14, 2007
The Observer

For addiction workers, rehabaholics (people who habitually go in and out of rehab) and modern linguists alike, little has proven more addictive this year than any (and every) new word with 'hab' in it - and preferably at the end.

Uttering some of these words, such as kneehab (rehab involving prayer), threehab (no booze, no narcotics and no tobacco) and Dundeehab (a holiday away from the city with the highest rate of drug addiction), they almost make old styles of rehab sound fab again. Others, like e-hab, DVDhab, Wii-hab and Blackberryhab, subcategorise the experiences (whether parentally imposed or due to physical injury) of cold-turkeying from new technology.

Article continues

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In a nation hopelessly hooked on the 'habby' habit, a penniless professional crack fiend will recite his Rehab Portfolio, a professional golfer who's missed a tournament is said to have been in teehab and a healthy eating campaigner implores the poor and/or obese to go into kebabhab.

There is now prehab, dehab and freehab for, respectively, the night prior to entering into rehab, the morning of departing rehab and the period prior to being implored to get back in again. There is me-hab for those believing 'the trick is to get away from oneself', thee-hab for those blaming everyone but themselves (usually during gabhab therapy sessions), and she-hab and he-hab for those identifying the opposite sex as the problem. Some, in groupiehab and girleehab, are just plain showing off. As are those who list celebrities they've shared a bucket with in Prioryhab. While those in Jihab sound like they might be taking the 'higher power' in Step 5 a little too seriously for their own good.

Cheers for that peeps!

Oi Brigit!

2007-10-19T20:47:00.000Z

Brigit and I had a wee talk in the pub the evening after the wedding in which Brigirl asserted that the Marvel Villain Juggernaut is not that tall. Though this deep and important conversation was interrupted by a mad drunk woman climbing over the bar to harass the landlord I've always intended to prove the poor deluded antipodean wrong. Thusly I present the mighty Juggernaut,

If you'd like to note that Juggers, as we like to call him, looks pretty tall and the Marvel site puts him at 6'10" tall. Now I know Brigit probably doesn't remember the conversation but as a true geek I have to say nyah nyah nyah!

Don't let me down gently, in fact don't let me down at all!

2007-10-07T01:21:00.000Z

I'm a bit behind in the old bloggingtypethinklikesay for the only good reason which is hanging out with mates got in the way. Last week we dived through to Ireland to chill with Rosa's Irish posse and this weekend we've suited and booted ourselves up for a bit of the Italian food and the hanging it gangsta stylee with the dundee posse. You all must be jealous of the exciting urban life I live.

The other thing I've been doing is this,

Let's talk about it later though eh?

Suffice to say that the whole marriage thing has made me realise how fantastic all our friends are and hope that you know we're thinking of you.

Unless you're battling online in which case I will shoot you in the face!

MeNoFearNoHaka

2007-09-23T14:08:00.000Z

So its 45 minutes until New Zealand comes up against the rugby might of Scotland at Murrayfield. The beers in the fridge, the snacks on the table and Rosa's got her Kiwigirl t-shirt so it's game on and time for another sporting prediction from Garry.

We're going to stuff the All Blacks!

Some of you may think this unlikely but mark my words we can do it and once we do it'll be onwards to Scotland being crowned champions of the World!

Did that sound convincing?

Sometimes I go out by myself and I look across the water...

2007-09-19T17:08:00.000Z

And whilst contemplating the silvery Tay I think to myself in a Michael Caine accent, "Self, what's it all about?". I stand there as the Sun goes down pondering the imponderables such as is there truth without beauty, what lies beyond the veil of death and can somebody be both a Dundee fan and a decent person. Eventually as the last misting of twilight hits the water I think fuck that for a game of soldiers and go to the pub to argue about last nights episode of Heroes with Irish Paul. Let's face it when push comes to shove, at the end of the day and when alls said and done it's not about whether the pint's half empty or full it's about who's on the next round.

The plane the plane!

2007-09-09T07:33:00.000Z

What Graham needs.

2007-09-09T07:21:00.000Z

Wedding photies!

2007-09-07T23:44:00.001Z

I've been getting a lot of hassle about photies for the whole wedding type affair so here's a link to the photobucket. A'body who took photies will be updated on how to add your pictures so we expect quite a few updates in the next couple of months,

Wedding Photies

The boy done good!

2007-09-03T18:08:00.000Z

So I went and got married to Rosa a couple of weeks ago. OK so that's perhaps the weirdest sentence I've ever typed and I never thought I would be typing it but there you go you can't account for stuff happening can you?

Anyway we had a few days of before the event so we could spend some time with the Mendes family and various mates that were arriving early and much fun was had by all as Marieke marvelled at the sheer quantity of pubs in Dundee, Ed became addicted to a table tennis on the XBox and Sarah and Rosa ran around liked demented 5 year olds shouting Kath & Kim quotes at each other. Through all this teetotal Irish athlete Ruairi was an oasis of calm-like stuff being competent at everything, the wee man even fixed my bike!

Rosa's auld dears arrived on Thursday and whilst Teresa was just as fantastic as expected Anibal was the most surprising. After three years of worrying what the scary Portuguese Catholic father would be like he turned out to be a sweet, interesting and fun guy, just the type of person you would expect to be Rosa and Eds father really so that was a lot of pointless worrying.

Anyway I woke up at 6am on Saturday the 18th of August and lay in bed for three hours in a weird kind of panic that continued for most of the morning. I wasn't worried about marrying Rosa, that's never been in doubt, but I was really nervous about going up in front of a'body and letting her down. Luckily my mates and Rosa's mates Brigite and Mike were great throughout the morning even if they did complain about my relentless pacing. The worst moment came when I went for a quick haircut after our greasy spoon breakfast. In a fit of bravado I decided to dive across the road and try out the new Polish barbers. The very nice middle-aged women seemed to know only two words of English 'scissors' and 'clippers' but it seemed impolite to suddenly run out the door so I sat with a deep feeling of dread as she combed my hair into a side parting. Now this something that hasn't been inflicted on my hair since 1985 and though I'm sure it's a hairstyle all the cool kids in Poland are wearing to whatever horrific death metal band is popular there right now the thought of turning up to my wedding sporting such a hairstyle made me finally realise that the phrase 'turned my bowels to water' actually refers to an actual physical feeling. This wasn't helped by suddenly wanting to vomit as well but being British I couldn't say anything to the woman let alone do a runner with half a haircut. Luckily she brushed it back at the end but not before I had visions of Rosa breaking my legs in front of a'body.

The rest of the getting ready wasn't quite as bad though we were running late due to helping my Dad get ready and there was a minor panic when the CD for Rosa coming up the aisle didn't play but then she came and everything was alright. Rosa was absolutely stunning and having her there completely relaxed, this and Reverend Bobs fantastic service made sure everything went great. Bobs reading was incredibly touching and he managed to get across how serious the ceremony was whilst keeping a sense of fun.

As to the reception it was simply the best party I have ever thrown with everybody getting on brilliantly and no fistfights much to Sarah's disgust as she believes every wedding should have one. I think this was helped by Rosa and I making fools of ourselves in the first dance as can be seen here and here.

To be honest I always figured the actual wedding would be something to get through but whilst stuff like posing for pictures was a pussy it actually turned out to be the best day of my life EVAH!

Go figure.

Cartoon boyfriend when you gonna rub yourself out?

2007-08-07T18:33:00.000Z

So I can't be arsed whingeing about the upcoming nuptuals or worrying about my Dads recovery from heart surgery so lets have a look at another game.

Toon is another classic game from Greg Costikyan who's other great comedy game Paranoia has already been mentioned. Based on all your favourite Warner Brothers cartoons it's rules are simple and easy to learn whilst offering an incredibly good simulation of their subject matter, frex none of the characters can die instead they get amusingly squashed/spiked or whatever and sit out the game for three minutes. Like Paranoia playing it can be either fun or frustrating depending on how much your willing to through yourself into the genre but, also like Paranoia, once you throw yourself into it the abandoning of normal roleplaying structure is liberating and incredibly good fun and fun is what the game's all about. So enough of that let's get on with the PC building malarkey...

Every Toon has four attributes, Muscle which is how strong and good in a fistfight he is, Zip which is how fast and dextrous he is, Smarts which is how umm smart he is and Chutzpah which is how much of a wideo he is and these are all decided on the roll of a single 6-sided die.

Our boy rolls 2 for Muscle, 3 for Zip, 3 for Smarts and 6 for Chutzpah. So he's not all that strong and only average when it comes to speed and brains but he can charm the birds out of the trees and get them to buy the pints all night.

The Toons also have Hit Points which weirdly enough are points that measure how much you can be hit. These are worked out by rolling a single 6-sided die and adding 6.

The wee man rolls a miserly 1 which when 6 is added leaves us with a rather poor 7. He's definitely a bit of a wimp but who cares when death only lasts long enough to nip out for half a fag.

Now the Toon needs to be described. You can choose or roll his species but the rest is up to you.

Our boy rolls a 33 so he's a rat. Ratski, as we'll call him, is normal rat sized though he walks on hind legs, he wears a bowler hat and bow tie with collar and carries a cane. Ratski's a wee chancer who's always on the lookout for an easy score of good food, easy living and the love of the laydeez.

We then have to choose a natural enemy.

As a rat Ratskis natural enemy is pest controllers of course.

We then choose the Toons Beliefs and Goals which are exactly what they seem to be.

Ratski's Belief is, Work is Bad - This character will go to any lengths to avoid working including using more energy and time than the actual work would have required. Ratski's Goal, Find and eat pie - The wee man is obsessed with pie and will go to any lengths to obtain and eat pie.

The Toon also carries 8 items 4 of which can be normal and 4 of which can be anything that the Animator (GM) allows.

Ratski's normal objects are, String Marbles Bottle of Glue Newspaper His other objects, Two-headed Coin President Nixon Mask Itching Powder Anvil

Toonboy then gets to sort out his skills of which there are 23 with a level of between 1 and 9 which has a starting value of the attribute it's based on frex Ratsko's Fight is based on his Muscle and thus starts at 2. There is then another 30 points to add to the skills to the maximum of 9. To use a skill you roll two 6-sided dice (2d6) and you are succesful if you roll under the value with a roll of 2 always being a success even if your skill is 1.

Let's not pedantically work our way through the skills except to say that whilst we'll give him a range we'll concentrate on his personality as a chancer who'll run rather than fight. You'll see them on the character sheet.

We can also spend some of the 30 points for skills on special powers called schticks which cost a varaibale amount of points each and are rolled against at a value of 5.

Ratski's a bit of a wide so let's give him Quick Change/Disguise which lets him disguise himself as nearly anything as long as he makes the roll.

The last thing you do is draw a picture of your Toon. I can't draw to save my life and since the old life isn't in danger I'm not going to try. If you want to try please send the pictures on a stamp-addressed postcard to the usual address.

But I gotta know what's your fantasy

2007-07-27T12:11:00.000Z

Now back to G making a character from every game he owns. Rosa's been ok about what she calls my 'stupid boy-project' because it keeps me quiet and means that I'll mibbee manage to sort out all the books that are boxed up in the spare room in time for the wedding. What this actually means is that books are now strewn about the ho0use as I leaf through loads of old stuff I forgot I had and decide that even though I haven't even considered digging a certain book out in 15 years I really don't want to get rid of it cos y'know I might need it at some point. Anyway whilst digging through my old stuff I've come across the first RPG I ever bought so lets make a chracter for Final Fantasy.

Sorry but that's the best image I could find.

This whole roleplaying thing started for me a little earlier when My Uncle Andy got me The Warlock of Firetop Mountain for my 10th birthday. I was immediately hooked into the choose your own adventure books and less than a year later when I picked up The Fighting Fantasy RPG at the incredible expense of £1.75 I was stuck with this as my hobby for life. Anyway let's get started,

Our adventurer has three statistics Skill, Stamina and Luck. We determine Skill by rolling a 6 sided die and adding 6, I roll a 5 making starting Skill 11, Stamina by rolling two dice and adding 12, I roll a 6 and a 1 so starting Stamina is 19, and Luck by rolling a 6 sided die and adding 6, I roll a 5 making starting Luck 11. The adventurer carries a sword, a backpack, a lantern, up to 10 provisions, amount is up to GM, which can be used to restore Stamina and a potion of Skill, Stamina or Luck which can restore the relevant statistic. And that's it really apart from naming him, let's call him Bob.

Combat is resolved by rolling 2 dice and adding Skill withe the loser losing two Stamina. Luck can be rolled equal or under to inflict more or take less damage though you lose a Luck point and run the risk of the opposite effect happening if you're unlucky. There are additional rules for multiple combatants and doing stuff like moving silently, pretty much all additional actions require you to roll under your Skill with 2 dice, but that's pretty much it. There then follows two dungeons for your players to explore done in a format familiar to anybody who's ever played a Fighting Fantasy gamebook. They're both good fun and we kids had quite a few happy hours of this.

I never got any of the other books as by the end of that year I was running a Middle Earth Roleplaying campaign which was a huge leap in complexity but I can't think of a better introduction to roleplaying. It cost so little that you could take a risk, already had a format which every bairn of my age was familiar with and whilst simple it still managed to do a decent though basic job. Top game!

Dundee United 0-1 Barcelona

2007-07-27T09:56:00.000Z

Should have been 1-0 to United but the ref was an idiot who disallowed a clearly onside United goal then gave away a dodgy penalty.

Parochial News Day

2007-07-26T13:18:00.000Z

There is only one story in the news this week and it's that Dundee United are set to give Barcelona another famous drubbing tonight!

BARCELONA THOUGHTS

Most thoughts at Dundee United today turned to Barcelona as preparations for Thursday’s glamour friendly against the Spanish giants got under way (writes Tom Duthie).

With a stand-in goalkeeper and a striker to find, however, Tangerines boss Craig Levein also had other things on his mind.

Fan and player focus for the next few days, though, will be firmly on Barca, who flew into Edinburgh at lunchtime before heading for St Andrews, where they will be based for the rest of the week.

With the Spanish season finishing little over a month ago, their pre-season work only started on Saturday and, as well as games against United and Hearts, Frank Rijkaard’s superstars face double training sessions most days here.

Not on the plane from Spain were Copa America stars Lionel Messi and Raphael Marquez, they will remain on holiday until next week, while club captain and key defender Carles Puyol is missing pre-season work because of injury.

Heading for Fife, though were the likes of Ronaldinho, Deco and, of course, massive summer signing from Arsenal Thierry Henry.

At Tannadice, Craig Levein made no attempt to hide the fact the prospect of doing battle against such talent meant there was an extra buzz about the place when his players arrived for training this morning.

“Of course there is. This is a game everyone wants to be involved in, and all the players will be trying to show they should be,” he said. “I’m no different. To be working towards a game against Barcelona is nice.”

That won’t stop the gaffer taking care of the business he has to in the run up to the start of the SPL season on Saturday week, tickets for the opener against Aberdeen are on sale now, and his search for a striker continues.

Now added to the many calls he’s been making about an attacker are enquiries concerning goalkeepers after it emerged Lukasz Zaluska had broken his foot and will be out for six weeks.

“You’ve no idea just how much work I’ve been doing to fix up a striker. I’d like one for Thursday, but the most important thing is I get a player of the right quality so I can’t say that will happen,” added Craig.

“Now I’ve also got the goalkeeping situation to think about as well. We knew Lukasz had a problem, but didn’t realise how bad it was until he got a scan and he didn’t either.

“With the Barcelona game so close, it is obviously a big disappointment for him, but these things happen in football and now it is a case of looking around for cover.”

Craig was happy with yesterday’s 2-2 draw against Raith at Stark’s Park, a game that saw young Ghanaian Prince Bauben make his debut.

The 19-year-old has been on trial and has signed a three-year contract. He is seen as one for the future, but his early progress suggests he may force his way into the squad sooner than expected.

“He’s got talent, though the reason he played yesterday was because he needed games.

“The game was a good exercise and very competitive.

“It gave the boys a good run out and I was pleased to see (Christian) Kalvenes and (Willo) Flood get action.”

I feel fully confident in a 2-1 victory for the Tigers and you all know how rarely my sports predictions are wrong.

It's the suede denim secret police!

2007-07-26T10:26:00.000Z

So I'm off work after taking a fall off my bike leaving me with a bad arm, broken finger and awfy sair skint knees. Luckily I can report that wearing a helmet is now officially a good thing as though my old noggin was cracked hard on the pavement I ended up with nary a lump. So as I'm laid up at home I can actually start on my RPG characters with a new edition of an old game,

Now Paranoia's a strange one to start with because in many ways it's the antithesis of what's expected in RPG's. In most games players are expected to co-operate to achieve their goals whilst in Paranoia they are gleefully encouraged to stab each other in the backs, other games have a clearly defined mission whilst here the mission is invariably impossible, an excuse for players to stab each other in the back or a long-winded joke and finally where other less fun games discourage random player deaths it's unusual to play though 5 minutes of Paranoia without somebody getting theirs and it doesn't really matter as every character has five clone backups ready to take his place. This all makes Paranoia the Marmite of roleplaying, you either love it or hate it and very little will convince you otherwise.

Before we make the character a bit of a skiffy to the background. Paranoia is set in Alpha Complex a gigantic post-apocolyptal underground city ruled by The Computer. The Computer was originally installed to keep the citizens safe but has gone completely mad and is now involved in a perpetual hunt for mutant commie traitors. The players play Troubleshooters who's job it to hunt down traitors which of course they are. Think Brazil, THX 1138 and Big Brother chucked into a blender with The Marx brothers and you're about right. Okay on with the character,

First we're asked for the characters name and gender. Making him male's easy enough as to name this is a bit unusual in that it's done as Name - Clearance - Sector. He's red clearance so we'll call him Ronnie-R-Gun and not worry too much about it. We then hace to roll a 20 sided dice/2 for 6 skills the assign specialities and such. Rather than bore you with details I'll nip off and do that.

We now roll for the characters Service group and appropriate firm to find his day job. Ronnie is in the Armed Forces working as in the Ammunition Fresheners firm. You then pick a specialized skill, Ronnie gets energy weapons to make him leet with lasers. We then roll for the mutant power, having a mutant power is treason BTW, Ronnie get's Matter Eater which allows him to munch down on just about anything which can prove very handy when trying to eat at the staff canteen. After this is a quick roll to see what secret society Ronnie belongs to, being a member of a secret society is treasonous of course, and we get Communist. Ronnie is a Godless Communist out to destroy all that is good in Alpha Complex! He also gets more skills particularly Propoganda which is very very treasonous. To finish off we give Ronnie two tics, Ronnie is an habitual nose-picker and giggles like a girl when stressed. And here he is,

If anybody's wondering the base mechanic is to pick the relevant skill then try to roll under it's number with a 20 sided die eg Ronnie would have to roll under 12 to shoot somebody with his laser. You know it's not until now that it hit me that the new Paranoia doesn't have any of the normal stat we'd expect in an RPG like strength, intelligence etc but instead replaces them rather niftily with the general Knowledge and Action skills. This works really well for the loose type of play encouraged in the game by keeping everything simple.

That was actually quite fun though I'm not sure if it's interesting to read as peeps who don't play RPG's will probably find it even more incomprehensible than my normal blog but there you go. I'll inflict more on you soon.

In just 7 days I can make you a man!

2007-07-21T04:24:00.000Z

I've never really mentioned my hobby of playing roleplaying games which I've been doing for about 24 years now. I'm currently running Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay every week or so which was supposed to be an epic, dark fantasy quest but has turned out to be more Blackadder in Fantasyland as my players bumble their way from one mishap to another. A great example of this is Rosa's character Podwit a pie-obsessed, psychotic hobbit currently planning on faking his own death in order to avoid having to marry some lass he picked up in the pub when he should be concentrating on trying to save the world. I worry about Rosa sometimes.

Anyway this has all come up as this bloke mentioned in an RPG forum I visit his intention of creating a character for every game he owns and as I need a stupid project to distract me from all the wedding stuff I've decided to do it myself and inflict the results on you lot though I'll probably get distracted after the first few but it's something to do.

And yes you're right I am a sad wee geek who really should get out more but what can ye dae?

Will you buy this game?

2007-07-15T21:29:00.000Z

Uh Oh We're In Trouble!

2007-07-13T23:18:00.000Z

A short missive because I seem to have not blogged in some time. I've tried on a few different reasons for this and none of them seem to fit. In the end I think it's been a general laziness with the whole intraweb thing mixed with a growing unease about the upcoming nuptials.

Now don't be worried I'm just as sure as ever about getting wed to the daft Kiwigirl and it seems she's still deluded enough to think I'm worth it but this whole wedding thing is a complete pain. The bastard thing creeps into every part of your life until it seems everybody's talking about it and just when you seem to escape you find yourself babbling on about it. After this you start to chuck on everybodies elses expectations and you end up in some sort of twilight zone. It's late over here and I feel the need to shoot things in console land so I'll give you one really weird example...

Asking the Father of the Bride for her hand in marriage.

Now I personally consider this sort of crap to have gone out with brothel creepers and would never have considered asking Rosa's Dad as fucked up a question as this and wasn't surprised when Rosa said that despite being a bit old-fashioned it's not something he would expect. Now this is all knowing that Rosa's Dad is a Portuguese Catholic who could reasonably be expected to be a bit traditional, it's no a bad thing to be traditional, but if he didn't have trust in his children Rosa wouldn't be who she is. Contrast this with the lassies in my workplace who were all dying to know about me asking for my girls hand in marriage and what the father said. This is quite a wide mixture of age and education that all thought that decades of feminist thought should be thrown aside because it's 'romantic' for somebody to ask for their ownership. The question of course is what would happen if their fathers said no? Would they actually cast aside the love of their life because their dad wasnae keen? This sort of shite permeates peeps ideas about what weddings should be and it is really worrying. People are really fucked up!

Suffice to say it was important for both Rosa and I to speak to the respective parents and both her Mum and Dad were absolutely lovely when we dropped the bombshell, as were my auld dears, and whilst I'm quietly crapping myself about it I'm sure they'll be great when they come across.

Anyway it's now 5 weeks till the day so I promise to blog at least once a week til then.

The World was a mess but his hair was perfect

2007-06-12T18:32:00.000Z

Well it's been a funny month since I last blogged. In awfy good news my sister is no longer marrying the abusive English bloke in Spain this week mainly because, as my niece Caroline says, he's a fucking psycho. I never realised how much of a weight on my shoulders the whole sister marrying fuckwit was until I heard this though it's still unlikely that she'll be coming to the wedding. Still a relief though likesay.

The wedding itself seems to be almost sorted with kilts and rings ordered, venues organised and food being prepared. All that's left is getting the invites out, sorting out the music with the DJ and organising transport for the wedding party. We were in town at the beginning of the month looking at all the stuff we could have bought with the money we're spending on this, actually quite cheap compared to most, day and wondering whose fault it all is. Turns out it's mine but there you go eh? Saying all that I'm really looking forward to us all getting together for a big party that's all about me!

And that weird Kiwi I suppose.

In other news I was out for my mate Danny's smoker the other week which was fun but obviously not fun enough as I seem to have drunkenly ended up at his girl Claires smoker in The Cage which is a rock/goth club that I only ever end up in when I'm pished out my skull and always hate it. Claire's always fun to dance with though.

This of course led to us having to go to the actual wedding last Saturday which was fun though it did remind me how much I hate the special Hell that is wedding receptions and I hereby choose not to commit to staying the full evening at ours if there's a chance of getting a squad of us together to head down to The Reading Rooms to check out a band and drink some of that special voodoo juice known as Red Stripe. I know this is going against all tradition but if it gets me out of having to dance with all my aunties what can I do?

You know why living in South Africa is shitty?

2007-05-13T20:06:00.000Z

Because you don't get to watch Frost and Peggs Perfect Night In.

Take it Eddyboy take it!

Parochial news day

2007-05-12T10:40:00.000Z

I'm refusing to make any comment on the utter shambles that was the recent Scottish elections however tempted I am to mention breweries and pissups. Anyway there's much more important news in Dundee,

United want Jason back
	JASON SCOTLAND (right) could be set for return to the SPL with former club Dundee United.
Dundee United want Jason Scotland back at Tannadice (write Graeme Finnan and James Masson).
The Trinidad and Tobago international was a big hit with fans during his first spell at the club, which ended in controversy when he was surprisingly refused a fresh work permit two years ago. That subsequently led to him signing for St Johnstone and the 28-year-old has continued to show his class in the First Division, bagging 25 goals for Saints this season. That’s triggered interest from several clubs and, although United boss Craig Levein was unavailable for comment, Saints manager Owen Coyle confirmed the Tangerines are one of them. However, with Scotland’s contract running until the final week in August, the McDiarmid Park club would be looking for some form of financial compensation if one of their prize assets was to move on. “Craig (Levein) called me out of courtesy to let me know of his interest in Jason, and I appreciate the gesture,” said Owen. “We haven’t given up on Jason, but, obviously, finance always comes into play. “He is under contract here until the end of August, so we can play him for the first month of next season. Any club wanting him before then will have to pay compensation.” Meanwhile, following yesterday’s news that goalkeeper Derek Stillie will quit United at the end of the season to pursue a career in law down south, the Tannadice outfit have been looking at a possible replacement. Polish goalie Lucasz Zaluska is currently on trial at the club. The 24-year-old plays for Korona Kielce in his homeland. McINNES SIGNS St Johnstone midfielder Derek McInnes has re-signed for the club on a one-year deal. “I am delighted that Derek has signed as he has done well for us on and off the park,” said Owen. Paul Sheerin, Simon Mensing and Scotland are the only three Saints still to pen new deals.

I'm sure you're all aware of the love for Scotland in the Gourlay/Mendes household and we all hope that the Tangerines can scrape the finances together to bring him back home.

Monopoly vote


I URGE people to vote for Dundee to get onto the new UK Here And Now Monopoly board game. We are currently in fifth place and it would be great if we could get the city up as high as possible. — Nathen Tyrrell, Dornie Place, Dundee.

Now this I can get behind. C'mon boys and girls cast your vote for the City of Discovery here.

Sadly there's been no recent news about the greatest rock band in the world The View but the Tele did receive this letter.

Don’t forget about McFly

McFly.

A LOT has been written about The View and Arctic Monkeys playing at the Caird Hall but not about McFly ,who performed there on April 6. McFly are a chart-topping band who did a great concert with all their hits and more. I was there with my eight-year-old daughter and we loved it and are so glad that a big group like McFly came to Dundee. — Sharon and Louise, Dundee.

I've been trying hard to forget about sodding McFly for months and you two have to go and remind me.

And finally a piece of shocking news,

Bald men


I AM constantly amazed at the number of bald men in Dundee. A visitor could be forgiven for thinking there was some kind of giant Right Said Fred look-alike competition taking place. Wigs should have to be worn in public places. — Snappy Chappy.

Whilst I've never noticed this outbreak of baldiness in Jute City I vow to keep my eyes peeled for slapheads from now on. Perhaps I'll start carrying some hats to hand out to the follicly challenged so Mr S Chappy is not so offended.

Separated at birth!

2007-05-12T10:16:00.000Z

My good friend Graeme

And Nasser Hussain

The resemblance is truly scary.

For Rosa

2007-04-29T01:30:00.000Z

Love For Love

Ithers seek they ken na what,
Features, carriage, and a' that;
Gie me love in her I court,
Love to love maks a' the sport.

Let love sparkle in her e'e;
Let her lo'e nae man but me;
That's the tocher-gude I prize,
There the luver's treasure lies.

Okay boys you can stop making videos now...

2007-04-27T20:39:00.000Z

Because what's the point after Hump de Bump?

You lot have all probably seen this before but numptyboy here has mainly been listening to Ukranian folk music and Billy Bragg which left me right out of the loop.

We could crawl but I'd rather drive she said!

2007-04-25T19:00:00.000Z

Once again a big gap in my blogging but frankly I've been too fair puggled from my new mode of transport to get up the energy. You see both I and Rosa have been getting increasingly fed up with the gym over the last four or five months as it became massively over-susbscribed and starting letting families bring their weans in on weekends so we decided it was time to tell them to get tae and invest in a different keep fit so there was only one solution.

I bought a bike.

Not a motorcycle that would make me feel all easy rider in a Julian Cope/Jimi Hendrix stylee or even a cool wee moped that would go with my German army parka and give a whole Quadrophenia vibe.

A pushbike.

Now I'm given to understand that a lot of people actually enjoy bicycling. I've even met a few and some of them have even been British but they were all quite strange anyway. I mean the biggest biking event in the World is the Tour de France and every competitor in that is on drugs, they tell you it's performance enhancing but I honestly believe you need a good puff of crack to even consider going in for that and there's tons of bikes in the Netherlands which is a country full of peeps on drugs. Marieke, Rosas brother Eds wife, is a very keen biker and generally seems a nice normal girl apart from her deep hatred of baboons but looking at the evidence she's probably secretly mental.

Anyway so we spent a wad of cash on a bicycle and associated paraphenalia, though I did manage to avoid buying a dayglo bodystocking or anything like that, for me to ride to and from work on. I was a little worried that I might crap out after a day or two so I implemented the cunning plan of spending all my travelling cash on beer thus forcing me to use the bike albeit with a massive hangover. So there I was first thing in the morning, MP3 playing cool indie-rock into my ears, rad skater helmet on my head when I realised the really really major flaw in my plan.

I live on a hill.

Quite a big hill actually. In fact now I come to mention it there's a bloody extinct volcano in between me and my work, not exactly Mount Etna or anything but enough to make sure that I've got to go around the bloody thing and frankly going up hills is a hell of a lot harder nowadays than it was when I was 12. This is compounded by the bike having 21 gears. What the Hell am I supposed to do with 21 gears? When I was young 8 or 12 gears was a lot and they were generally the sole province of nutters with racing bikes, I spend most of the time guessing what gear I should be in and hoping that the chain won't come loose. Even worse it seems that there are drivers out there who want to kill me. Now I'm quite used to peeps wanting to kill me, usually within an hour of meeting me, but these peeps haven't even met me and they seem hellbent on running me over. It's not the peeps in Micras or Fiestas either it's always blokes in gigantic 4x4's with massive bull bars who seem offended by my very existence. So every morning I arrive at work wringing with sweat, a fearful gleam in my eye and very very shaky legs. Bloody bike!

To be fair I'm actually enjoying some of it. Every morning I get the choice of riding along beside the most beautiful river in the world and saying hello to Dundee's very own highland cattle or taking different routes and rediscovering parts of my home city I've not seen in years, it wakes me up for work in the morning and let's me de-stress in the evening as I concentrate on trucking right and listening to my music and I do feel a weird twisted sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. Now all I've got to do is move somewhere flat.

As I made the move to shrink my carbon footprint Rosa went the other way and bought a car. It's quite a nice Hyundai Elantra 1.6 litre and was definitely needed as the wee Micra whilst a good car was really not designed for the amount of countryside driving the girls work runs to so even though it seems strangely grownup it's a good buy.

And for the last big buy of the month I'm typing this on our new computer that my very good friend Pete built for us at an amazingly low price. To be honest whilst the dual-processors are incredible and Vista Ultimate 64 is really really cool we really only needed an PC that took less than an hour to startup but Pete seemed so excited it seemed churlish to say no. The decision to have it built definitely had nothing to do with the way my XBox 360 hooks up to the media centre allowing all my music and videos stored on the PC to be played through it. Honest.

Don't worry kidders we are still working on the wedding an a'that but I'll bitch about that another time. :)

You know what I'm doing that you're not?

2007-03-30T12:35:00.000Z

I finally managed to pick up Brian Lara Cricket 2007 this morning and it's sweet as though there are some glitches. I'll tell more after spending tomorrow playing it with mates. Now if only you peeps would get Xbox 360's and broadband we could get a game on.

Parochial News Day

2007-03-26T17:44:00.000Z

It's a while since I've blogged about the local goings on in the City of Discovery so I thought it's time to have a look especially as someone dear to us all has contributed to the vibrant debates about life in the fair city,

Don’t pick the daffs

ON MORE than one occasion recently, I have seen groups of people emerging from Baxter Park, Dundee, clutching big bunches of freshly-picked daffodils. ON MORE than one occasion recently, I have seen groups of people emerging from Baxter Park, Dundee, clutching big bunches of freshly-picked daffodils.
More often than not they have young children with them. What kind of a role model is this providing?
Are they going to “blame the kids” the next time something is stolen/vandalised from local amenities?
Also, when walking through Baxter Park, I note that many of the flower beds are trampled.
Would the people who think it’s okay to pick flowers from parks think it’s okay to pick flowers from private gardens? It’s the same thing. — Flower Girl.
[Our photographer took this picture of trampled and damaged daffs in Baxter Park.]

I can reveal that Flower Girl is none other than our own dear Rosa who after witnessing this heinous crime decided enough was enough and it was time to resort to the ultimate sanction in any true Dundonians armoury and write a stern letter to The Tele. I now rest assured that the perpetrators are black affronted at their behaviour being made public and will mend their larcenous ways. It's also nice to enter the esteemed company of people like our next contributor,

Bring back hanging

IT IS about time the Government did something about crime. Politicians are very hard on smokers and they have to toe the line.
But those who take drugs or have a drink problem are still getting off.
I am often shocked at the sentences given out for assault.
Criminals sent to jail come out and do the same things again. Jail cannot be that bad or they wouldn’t want to go back.
Bring back hanging and the birch. There would be a big drop in crime. — O.A.P.

It's good to see the older generation showing such depth of wisdom and compassion in a confusing modern world when it would be so much easier to reach for simplistic, reactionary solutions. The day we stopped beating criminal scum was just the beginning of the slippery slope that leads to us not being allowed to beat our own children dammit!

In the news section on Friday we had our obligatory story about Dundee's very own rock superstars The View,

Dundee chart-topping band The View returned to their home town to make their latest video. Double A-side The Don and Skag Trendy will feature images from Dryburgh, where band members Kieren Webster, Steve Morrison, Pete Reilly and Kyle Falconer grew up.
The View went to number one with their debut album Hats Off To The Buskers.

We are incredibly proud of the wee lads and the album is pretty sodding good though hearing songs about Dundee in the charts and seeing the city in videos is incredibly weird. Either way get hold of the album now and if you're up my way I'll take you for a pint in the Campbelltown Bar. though just mind and dinnae pick the daffies!

Scotland will stuff the Netherlands in the Cricket World Cup!

2007-03-14T22:55:00.000Z

I think I've covered that pretty well.

So far I'm enjoying the cup and I'm not dissapointed in my countries showing at all, especially Smith's getting a best ever of 51 against an opponent like Australia. We know we're minnows and even Fat Boab, who appeared to have been hijacked on his way back from Majorca to fill out numbers, did okay against the Aussies.

I'm more looking forward to The Black Caps fucking England over on Friday though. Let's face it England will be lucky if the make it to the semis. Years of throwing out random ODI teams then getting awfy chuffed when you stumble across a few wee wins does not a World Cup winning team make whilst New Zealand seem to have been building themselves up in recent years and I have a lot of faith in the return of Shane Bond. He's called Bond for fucks sake folks! I'm not sure if New Zealand can win and I believe this'll be a close competition but I truly believe they'll beat England.

Although not beat as truly as the way that The Saltires will beat Netherland though!

Garry plays a bit of cricket

2007-03-09T23:15:00.000Z

So in my manic anticipation of the ICC Cricket World Cup I downloaded the Brian Lara's Cricket 2007 demo tonight for a looksee before I get the game at the end of the month.

My first disappointment was that this didn't have a two player option which was a major feature of the 2005 demo and guaranteed I bought the game. A bit of a missed opportunity for new players there and I know it made it more difficult for some mates. Otherwise I do have to say the graphics are still only touching next-gen though the player animation is very very good. Weirdly most of the players featured just look wrong, Flintoff in particular is made to look like a jowly git though there is a really good animation of him fucking up a bowl, except for Shane Watson who is a spitting image of the youung Aussie himself. So it's all okay as long as the Shanester is there in all his mullet glory. I do hope that the finished code is a touch better though.

Gameplaywise I feel little has radically changed but everything has been refined. At bat I felt more in control whilst at bowl I was tantalised by the feeling I had more options at my fingerprints than came up in the 5 second flash of buttons. Both are clearly designed for pick up and play with extra options dependent on both your knowledge of cricket and skill at gaming. It's a balance that Codemasters were clearly striving for in the last game and are clearly moving even further in to. My only possible problem is with fielding which, in the demo at least, has become a little too twitch orientated for my liking.

In short I wish the demo had included a versus mode to let us see how the game really works but what's there shows a highly playable and very accessible sports game that many will miss out on because it's cricket. I'll buy the game and believe that's it's worth a rental by anybody.

This actually came from a forum where I just meant to ask if anybody had checked out the demo, I'm a bit black affronted at how long it goes on for.

Keeping it random

2007-03-05T20:10:00.000Z

I'm not incredibly motivated for the old blogging at the moment but you've got tae give it a go eh?

I posted this elsewhere after taking my nephew to an ice cream van but best make the most of it. Sometimes I'm quite impressed by how weird organised crime can actually be especially when you find out about stuff like the Mafia Pizza Connection but nothing has ever struck me as quite as weird as the Glasgow Ice Cream Wars which was a very violent turf war between none other than ice-cream van owners that ended with attempted shootings, murder by arson and a twenty year legal battle through the Scottish courts. Of course these guys were selling 'sweeties' as well as ice cream but it's still fascinating in a fucked up way.

Check out The Scotsman for some more detail.

In more recent and parochial news the Tele reports a Dundee fan has been banned from Dens after shouting racial abuse at Jason Scotland during a home game against St Johnstone last month. This is only too right racism should be seen as completely unacceptable in sport and players like Scotland have brought a lot to Sottish football.

In less parochial and more Dundee is the Rock'n'Roll Capital of the World the lead singer of the new Greatest Rock Band in the World as first mentioned by me months ago The View's Kyle Falconer had travel up from their triumphant night at the NME Awards for a special appearance at Dundee Sheriff Court for a bag of charlie found in his pocket after a gig. Now I know Sheriff Arthurson commented on his role model status and many of you will agree that he's being a terrible influence on the youngsters of today, I can hear the cries of 'think of the children' as I type but sod that this young man is just doing his job. It is the right and expected place of young rock stars to take as much drugs, have sex with as many young girls and make complete prats of themselves at as many parties as possible. One of my favourite stories from the last ten years was the bassist of those other great Scottish rockers Primal Scream getting knifed whilst out partying in New York but not noticing because he was so off his head on everything he could get his hands on now that's a man showing commitment to his chosen profession.

In more personal news the council has finally got it's collective finger out of it's arse and confirmed our wedding venue so we'll be sending out the invites real soon now. It's a bit of a weight off the auld shoulders really. Which reminds me of a letter in last weeks Tele,

No regard for park users

I HAVE had several frustrating discussions with Dundee City Council officials over the past week or so regarding the works being carried out to the main terrace through Baxter Park.
I am disgusted at the total disregard being shown to public.
The closure of the terrace without any prior warning means the park has been divided in two.
I urge anyone with similar concerns, or anyone being inconvenienced going to or from Albert Street, to contact his or her local councillor.
If anyone would like to discuss this with me first, please phone 07838230646. — Parklife.

Now Mr Parklife, if that is your real name and if not why try to be anonymous whilst handing out your phone no, I understand your frustrations but some of us are trying to plan for once in a lifetime events and to be totally frank don't give a flying fuck about a sodding minor inconvenience to you. Don't you have something better to do than hassle the council about something that's going to disappear in a few weeks? Wanker. If anybody would like to forward my feelings or even add your own the number is included. Remember texting is cheap wherever you are and can be incredibly satisfying.

Slightly more humiliating is that my XBox 360 has started blogging and not only is the wee man funnier than me he manages to do it every day the git! Apart from that I've mostly been using my state of the art console to play Doom. Yup I have a £300 console and I use it to play a 15yr old game, Rosa is not impressed.

I'm also still playing Oblivion but I'll talk about that and Patrick Fucking Stewart next time.

The first rule of Mime Club...

2007-02-20T20:52:00.000Z

Is that you do not talk!

General havers

2007-02-16T12:04:00.000Z

I'd like to apologise to my reader for not posting in the last fortnight as I've been no well I'm afraid. Since I've been off work not much happening here so I'm just generally blethering about what's been entertaining me.

In order to avoid the whole Valentines Day nonsense Rosa and I went to see Hot Fuzz the new film from Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg and it was truly laugh out loud funny in it's satire of English village life mixed with as many Hollywood action movie cliches as can possible be put in. A special note has to go to Timothy Dalton who is clearly having the time of his life playing the manager of the local Somerfield. This is a must see if you enjoyed Shaun of the Dead and Spaced and live in South Africa. Everybody else should go too.

I've also been watching the old Channel 4 six-parter Ultraviolet this week. For those who never came across it Jack Davenport plays a police detective whose partner is turned into a vampire which leads him to joining a shadowy organisation that hunts the vamps. It's a silly idea that works because it's done completely straight making it quite reminiscent of television espionage or police dramas. Good stuff then which is only slightly let down by Davenport who never quite convinces in his role. How on earth do we end up with Torchwood when stuff like this isn't continued?

I also got an XBox 360 from the girl at Christmas and it is absolutely fantastic. Currently I've been sucked into Oblivion which is an incredibly large first-person rpg in which you can go anywhere. My character Gadje McNed has turned out to be a right nasty piece of work who will literally steal anything not nailed down. Good stuff. I got Splinter Cell Double Agent with the machine and whilst I love this and all the other games in this sneaking stylee series it reminds me of the first one in which I took six months trying to get around a corner due to it's rather extreme difficulty, I still love it though. And the last game I'm sucked into is Gears of War the big shooter from last Christmas. The single player game is everything promised with cover being vital and this is improved with a fantastic online co-op game. Unfortunately once you go into an online versus game the cover mechanic is thrown out of the window leaving you with a disappointing run around and shoot peeps game. You still get to shoot your mates in the face though so it's not a complete waste.

A bit of drfunken blogging

2007-02-04T03:31:00.000Z

Sorry peeps but I've got to do this drfunk or not at all and yes you can call me Doctor Funk for this evening, I've even put Sly and The Family Stone on for Funk Gods sake!

This has been a pretty hard week for me as I not only got confirmation that my sister and her two youngest won't be coming to our wedding but she's planning to marry the obviously abusive Londoner called Darren in June. Putting aside the fact that both me and Rosa think that somebody we've never met is an abusive partner what the fuck is Angela doing here? I never saw myself as the marrying type but when it came up the only peeps I cared about being there were my auld dears my sisters and heir kids. Angela has torn a large part of my heart out.

On the other hand fuck her. I want you here if you can, I would count Ed as a mate without loving his sister and Sara hand I are going to be legendary, but I'm going to stop worrying about who comes. Marrying Rosa's the important thing for me and it's all I really want.

Frankly I'm tempted to get married beforehand and spend my honeymoon time wandering Europe with Ed and Marieke but that won't happen.

My sister and the kids not coming to my wedding has left an awful hollow space inside me.

And in today's Parochial News

2007-01-15T13:47:00.000Z

A picture from about 40 years ago of where I live .

Sit-in call for NCR plant

THE 650 WORKERS to be sacked by NCR should resist the closure of their plant and occupy it in a bid to make the US management change their minds, an economics lecturer at Dundee University said last night.

In what appeared to be encouragement for a return to the flexing of industrial muscle of the 70s and 80s, Dr Carlo Morelli maintained the last Dundee occupation—at the Timex factory at Milton of Craigie—while failing to halt the closure, prevented further manufacturing closures in the city.

He said, “If management at NCR will not manage, the workers should do it themselves.

“They are perfectly able to manufacture a number of things there but everything that may happen is predicated on one thing—that the redundancies are resisted and the way to do that is through the occupation of the factory.”

Dr Morelli pointed out that— unlike Timex or Upper Clyde Shipbuilders, which were heading for meltdown anyway—NCR was a very profitable company with no financial reason for closure except profit.

He said, “What we have is a company doing extremely well and simply trying to maximise its profits from its manufacturing process.

“This is all being driven by the financial rationale of a globalised financial system and the people who are paying the price are 650 NCR workers and their families.”

It was a manufacturing plant with a highly-skilled workforce, he said, and the question is how the workers can challenge the decision to close the plant.

“The solution would be for the workers to take control and challenge the management’s right to manage.

“If they will not manage, then the workers can do it themselves.

“This is exactly the kind of thing that is starting to emerge in Latin America, and if the workers at NCR adopt this approach, you can bet your bottom dollar it would get a huge measure of support not just in Dundee and throughout the UK but globally.”

Dr Morelli (pictured) said resistance by workers and unions, scuppered Ford’s plans to establish a factory in Dundee which would have undercut wages and conditions in the rest of the motor industry.

“I think action by the NCR workforce can change minds.

“They could occupy the plant, carry on making cash machines or other items which they could do very efficiently, but these questions can’t be asked until they challenge the redundancy plans.

“It may well be that NCR will change their view and say they will keep the plant open.”

I'm really not sure how I feel about this. The Timex strike was a really bad time in Dundee and it's easy to say that it resulted in companies not being able to undercut conditions and pay in industry but it was Dundonians who suffered in the end. If workers were to go through with an action like this I would support them but I'd have real doubts about the outcome. It's all a worry really.

Rangers 5-0 Dundee United

2007-01-15T12:50:00.000Z

This and the New Years Day stuffing by Falkirk are not good but I refuse to get down about this. The team Levein played on New Years day was the exact team that beat Aberdeen two days earlier and the fact that they gave the game away in the second half shows how tired they were. Rangers had just got rig of they're idiot manager Le Guen after, in a bid to prove who was in charge, he told Rangers and Scotland captain Barry Ferguson that he would never play for the club again. Suffice to say Le Guen found out who was in charge and got replaced by Scotland coach Walter Smith last week and Ferguson captained the team against United. Whatever else I think of him, and I'me very angry that he abandoned the Scotland job, Smith is an inspired manager who did fantastically with Rangers in the 90's and there's normally a change in how the team plays when a bad manager is sacked so I'll take the drubbing with good grace.

I'm still pissed off that Smith abandoning the Scotland job means we probably won't get into Euro'08 though. :(

In which Garry wanders through Youtube

2007-01-15T11:03:00.000Z

You know when I started blogging last year I though this is it finally my voice will be heard, lives will be touched by my startling prose, deep-seated political views will be changed and we will all begin to question Globalisation, the Free Market Economy and Economic Imperialism. From this small beginning we would enter a new golden age of peace, love and understanding and McFly would be sacrificed to Mighty Cthulhu in an orgy of blood and violence!!!

Sorry got a bit carried away there.

Instead I've mainly bitched about letters to the local paper, inflicted my favourite poems on you and wittered about music. Och well eh?

Anyway last night I opened a bottle of beer and sat down to begin my great crusade against the forces of oppression. This was it I was finally going to make my mark on the world.

Right after checking out my Hogmanay videos on Youtube. They'rr from Stonehaven and I quite like the peeps throwing fire about but from there it was all downhill. You see the problwm with Youtube is that there's just so much fantastic crap on it that you never seem to get around to checking it out but last night it turned out that I had plenty time and plenty beer to finally check out the good stuff.

For true brilliance the first place to go is sunny Turkey famous as the gateway to the Middle East, future member of the EU if they can ever get around to stopping the Kurd oppression bit and purveyors of dodgy film rip-offs the most famous being Turkish Star Wars with it's blatant stealing off Star Wars footage blended cunningly in with the story of two middle-aged space pilots who crash on a desert planet and proceed to battle dodgy evil peeps. Highlights include a fabulous training montage in which you get to see our heroes buff bodies as they build up their kewl powerz by hitting rocks, the cantina fight scene with it's Turkish kung fu and a subtle plot full of romance and danger. I don't know much about art but I know hilarious crap when I see it and this is it. Sublime.

Close behind in brilliance comes Turkish Superman with it's ground-breaking special effects and powerful central performance. Frankly Superman is scary as hell in this film.

But ludicrous films are not just the provenance of our European cousins our American ones can be just as bad. In the 90's schlock director Roger Corman owned the rights to make a Fantastic Four movie but he had to make a movie in order to retain. At the last minute they threw together the first Fantastic Four movie at the last moment. The whole movie's there in 10 minute chunks if you can bear it. I recommend it if only for Reed Richards ludicrous haircut.

I've also come across peeps just being daft I mean why would anybody dare to try the MC Hammer Dance when we know that Rosa is the true mistress of the Hammerstylee even if she's a little out of practice and says she'll batter me if I ever put up a video of her getting down. I'm a little disappointed that the actual episodes of Red vs Blue have been taken down due to Disney releasing them as DVD's as it is a piece of genius which should be loved in that special was by all Halo fans Bowchickawowow!

So it looks like the human race is doomed to keep repeating all the same mistakes but at least we've got plenty of hilariously funny videos to watch as civilization falls and hey you never know I might get around to posting my 10 point plan to solve the Middle East crisis later. Right after I check out these Sims 2 videos though.

Shocking Parochial News

2007-01-12T10:52:00.000Z

NCR jobs bombshell

NCR today dealt Dundee a devastating jobs blow, with 650 posts being axed from its manufacturing plant at Wester Gourdie. Amid anger and tears, staff were told at a mass meeting that what was once a city industrial giant will, by the summer, be reduced to a skeleton operation of around 100.
Swingeing cuts had been expected in light of increasing competition for work from the company’s factory in Hungary, where costs are lower.
But employees streaming out the gates of the factory after today’s announcement said they were stunned at the extent of the redundancies, announced via video-link from America.
Said one, “We knew it was going to be bad, but 650 jobs is a shock. People are very upset, very angry. What do we do now?”
NCR Corporation said in a statement it plans to shift the focus of its automatic teller machine manufacturing in Dundee to “new product introduction and production of low volume, high complexity products.”
The company cited a changing market environment and competitive pressures for the decision to cease high-volume manufacture of ATM products in the city.
Management said they anticipated that current manufacturing-related positions in Dundee will be reduced by approximately by 650 by mid 2007 — a proposal subject to consultation with unions.
Controversially, given recent assurances to the contrary, the company confirmed the work will be shifted to the plant at Budapest, as well as Beijing and India.

After more than 60 years NCR shafts it's Dundee workforce so it can outsource the labour to Hungary and China and no doubt increase shareholder confidence. In the 1980's both Reagan and Thatcher talked about how loyalty to corporations would result in their loyalty to the workforce and a lot of people believed their lies. Since then we've had Timex leave Dundee and more recently Tesco and and Michelin cut jobs across the board and the same thing is happening all across the country normally in already deprived areas. For a small city with high unemployement like Dundee the loss of 650 jobs can be crippling for the local economy.

Workers gutted.

Reacting to the devastating news Fintry man George Devlin (42) emerged from the meeting a broken man. He said emotions were running high inside the NCR plant.
“They never even told anybody who’s going, they just said 650 will go by the middle of the year. They just told us it is in the hands of the union.
“Inside it is just total anger and disgust at the management.
“Last year they told us a big pack of lies.
“They said the Hungary plant was never going to affect the Dundee plant.
“I believe Hungary without a doubt has affected us.
“I think there has been one factory in Canada closed, one in Brazil and one somewhere else I can’t remember. They seemed just to be keeping places where they can get cheap labour.”
Mr Devlin, the father of three young children, said he was so disgusted with the news he walked out before the meeting ended.
“I walked out because I didn’t want to listen to it any more.
“The head man wasn’t even there, he was on a video ‘I cant be there’ blah, blah blah.
“Inside the meeting they were not answering questions, it was just a big shouting match.
“There are women in there crying one of whom has been there 36 years. She couldn’t even speak on the microphone: she was so upset she couldn’t even talk.
“I have only been there two-and-a-half years, but I feel really sorry for people who have been there a lot longer.
“It does look bleak for me now. There’s talk on Michelin going down the same road. I don’t have a clue what’s coming for me now.
“I think we will get compensation of some sort but it does not make up for not having a job.”
Asked what the future now held for him, he said, “It’s bleak, very bleak.”
Kevin McKenzie said, “My wife doesn’t have a job and it looks like I’ll not have one either after this.”
Scott McIntosh from Hilltown, a test technician, said, “They’ve not got a care about the working person — they’re only interested in the bottom line and more money for the shareholders.
“It is sad for the workforce and sad for the people with young families.”
Charleston man Derek Shaw (49) said, “I hope they stay in Dundee at least in some form.”
Peter Gow (62), of Ardler, said before the meeting, “Over the last few months the speculation has been detrimental to the whole workforce regarding the status of the company here.
“Last year promises the company made that Hungary would not be detrimental here look questionable today.
“I feel in the long term there is going to be a reduction (in production) of some form.
“We can only hope the outcome today is not as drastic as we may fear.”
Frances Tanbini (63), of Dundee, said she would not be substantially affected given her age, but added, “I do feel sorry for younger members of the workforce.”

But all of that's okay as long as the shareholders are happy. Makes me sick!

Happy New Year!

2007-01-02T23:54:00.000Z

I'll be posting about Christmas and Hogmanay soon but I didn't want my reader to think that I'd forgotten him so I present a poem by the Bard,

Oh whisky! soul o' plays and pranks!
Accept a bardie's gratefu' thanks!
When wanting thee, what tuneless cranks
Are my poor verses!
Thou comes - they rattle in their ranks,
At ither's arses!

Fortune! if thou but gie me still
Hale breeks, a scone, an' whisky gill,
An' rowth o' rhyme to rave at will,
Tak a' the rest,
An' deal't about as thy blind skill
Directs thee best.

Parochial letters day

2006-12-23T12:33:00.000Z

Conspiracy theories have been a big thing for a long while what with JFK, Roswell and Princess Di all having been talked about at length but none of this prepared me for the shocking revelations about Post Office closures brought up in yesterdays Tele,

Is Brussels behind closures?

I HAVE been reading about the hundreds of sub post offices in our cities, towns and rural areas under threat because the Government wants to save money by cutting the subsidy.
I know the EU are not keen on this type of subsidy.
Is their unseen hand behind this retrograde step? — Countryman.

Now he points it out I can't believe that those damned Frenchies are out to destroy the great British Post Office the bastards! In the spirit of Woodward and that other bloke from All The Presidents Men the Tele put their finest reporters on the case and came back with this answer,

A spokesman for the DTI said, “The closures of post offices is not a result of EU pressure.
“The Government is continuing an annual subsidy of around £150 million a year until at least 2011 to help safeguard a national network.
“Despite this continuing money, some offices have to close because people are using the post office less — around four million people a week fewer than two years ago. More and more people are choosing to have their benefits paid into bank accounts, use phone banking, direct debit or on-line services.”

I'm not convinced by this use of logic and common sense surely it was the space aliens. But it's not only the EU that's out to get us as Tom points out in a letter to The Courier,

Now there are no kilts!

Sir,—I heard recently on the radio that the Government does not have enough kilts to supply all of the Highland regiments at this time? Is this yet another ploy to “stick the knife” into them, by trying to get rid of tartan now?
Tom Handy.
11 Cameron Place,
Crieff.

Or mibbee they just never ordered enough kilts Tom eh? They're a right funny lot up in Crieff.

And I hadn't heard this rumour about an all you can eat Chinese restauraunt in the city centre,

Customer hope

MY HUSBAND and I are regular customers at Jimmy Chung’s, Dundee, and continued to visit during unfounded rumours regarding seagulls. The quality of food and excellent service has been maintained and I hope customers return. — Chris Treanor, Dundee.

Now granted the food there is clarty but come on.

Christmas Havers

2006-12-21T21:47:00.000Z

It's four sleeps til Christmas and it seems that we're nearly completely sorted. All the presents have been bought, the turkey's on order from the butchers and we've got Muppets DVD's to watch on the day instead of the Queens speech which I as a Scotsman don't have to watch but I'm sure all you wee colonials out there make sure you tune into it. It feels good to be organised especially when we dived into Tesco's earlier this evening and were stunned at the rammy inside. The supermarkets only shut for a day but peeps seem to act as if the Apocalypse has come and by Sunday it's going to every man for himself in the drinks aisle and murder in the High Street. I think we'll go to the pictures which should be blissfully empty.

As happens every year the debate over the commercialisation of Christmas has come up again and all sorts of peeps have been bemoaning the fact that many young children don't think of the Babby Jesus when they think of Christmas and that this makes the Babby Jesus cry. Whilst this is an understandable worry for those of Christian beliefs it fails to admit that we live in a pretty much secular society and Christmas is not a religious festival for the majority of the people in this society. It has become a generalised midwinter festival that helps us get through the darkest days of the season just as midwinter festivals are supposed to. It's 5 months out on the birth of the Babby Jesus anyway. As to the horrendous amount we spend on it if people want a big blow-out once a year I have no problem with it and sometimes it's good to spoil the kids and I want a pony anyway so there!

The other side of the commercialism in the UK came up this year with the Farepack scandal in which a British hamper savings company went under losing a lot of pretty sodding poor people all their Christmas money ruining their Christmas. This has also highlighted that these hamper companies are con merchants preying on the poorest in our society.

On the brighter side IrnBru have put out their first ever Christmas advert and it's bloody brilliant.

Drunken blogging...

2006-12-17T00:26:00.000Z

Is what this is so I'm going to keep things in the general area likesay. Let us start with the vital info,

Motherwell 2-3 Dundee United

We're 8th in the League and there's still a chance they might end up in the top 6 in time for the split. Our mate Graham's coming up in Febuary so we might drag him along for for a peh at the game an a'that.

I watch in awe at the mess that the English have made of the Ashes.

I will be talking about the music I've seen and picked up this year before Hogmanny probably as part of a round-up of the year but mibbe not. Either way it's been a good year musicwise for me and the Kiwigirl. If you check the link to Grahams blog he's been talking a lot about musice recently although he really needs to calm down a notch and realise it's supposed to be fun! If it's not fun why bother?

Rosa's still wonderful. She's having such a hard time with stuff that's happened recently but her first thought is always to a'bdy else. I just wish I could fix it.

Anyway just a badly typed check in. I might never get around to talking about the whole Dundee Christmas tree scandal after all but you never know.

Dundee United 3-1 Inverness Caledonian Thistle

2006-12-09T17:57:00.000Z

Tannadice Terrors are my favourite team,
Saturday afternoon at 3,
They can turn it on and win by a mile,
They're the Premier team with class and style,
When the forwards score a goal, this is what the Shed Boys roar...

(Chorus)

It's United,
They're my own team,
It's United Black & Tangerine,
It's United - you've got to be,
D-U-F-C...

Europe's next where we are gonna go,
I just can't wait to see those golden goals,
United's magic there's no mistake,
And the manager's got just what it takes,
When the forwards score a goal, this is what the Shed Boys roar...

Chorus x2

And if you lose your way to Tannadice next week
Just walk towards the sound of EASY! EASY!

In the town where I was born,
Lived a man called Jerry Kerr,
And he told me of his life,
As United's manager,

We all live in a tangerine machine,
A tangerine machine,
A tangerine machine,
We all live in a tangerine machine,
A tangerine machine,
A tangerine machine..

United, Dundee United,
I can't help falling in love with you,
United, Dundee United,
I can't help falling in love with you...

And what sport is Scotland the greatest at?

2006-12-03T13:08:00.000Z

Weirdly enough we are the best at elephant polo. Screw you World we totally rule!

Hibernian 2-1 Dundee United

2006-12-03T10:26:00.000Z

I'm not going to get down about an away loss to Hibs who are an okay team. I've also become aware that some of you only come here to check out the United score you sad gits.

In other news todays is Rosa's birthday and I'm feeling rotten after taking her out for Thai food and far too many cocktails last night on her Birthday Eve celebrations. Suffice to say last night ended with me saying the living room floor was really comfortable and I could see no advantage in getting up to go to bed.

Who are we and other random shite.

2006-12-02T00:40:00.000Z

I'm making no more comment on certain things apart from my last post. Just not my place.

I've been thinking about online personas recently and I don't quite get it. Yeah my mates and I have posed as Jewish Mexican Gay Sex Addicts on XBoxlive to wind up Merkin Nazi Youth but it's been a one night thing fuelled by copious drink and a need to piss off idiots so it doesn't count. What I'm talking about is people who creat an internet persona and then sustain it for months or years. What is the fucking point? Sorry this is just another way of communicating and putting more noise in front of the signal is just plain weird, just accept that you're a fat 28yr old virgin and not a hardarse streetfighter and you might find that shit might go better for you. I just find the whole thing weird and it gets weirder when peeps tell me I'm just as annoying in RL as I am on the intraweb, it's not an act folks I am this much of a prat.

Still thinking about South Africa and astounded at how much walking over Table Mountain means to me. You see when you go to another country it's the small differences that get you like you know in France they don't call a Quarter Pounder a Quarter Pounder the call it a Royale with cheese? I'm still stunned.

This weeks new toy is LoveFilm.com which is a DVD rental service that provides up to 3 DVD's at a time for 16 squid a month and in the first few days it's sodding great. Last night we watched The Blues Brothers to distract us from nonsense in our lives and it was wonderful, tonight it was The Big Lebowski and we've got a Mexican film for Sunday with more stuff coming early next week. I love this. We can get the whole of Seinfield also.

I'm still suffering from existential angst but I can't be arsed getting The Cure, Albert Camus, a random arab and myself to all gather on an Algerian beach so I can kill the arab so I remain cheerful.

Please hug the person you love.

Kindness is timeless

2006-11-30T22:42:00.000Z

Please remember it only takes a moment to show someone you care.

Dundee United 1-0 St Mirren

2006-11-26T19:12:00.000Z

Thank God for that.

Parochial letters day

2006-11-26T16:27:00.001Z

Apart from whingeing about my ears I feel that I've been neglecting my blog so there may be a few posts today after I've had a look at the Tele's letters page for the past couple of weeks especially since there's a massive Christmas tree debate that really needs it's own space. But first lets start with a look at crime and punishment,

Build a jail in every county


WE must simplify sentencing murderers, rapists, paedophiles and drug traffickers. They should never be released from prison. To cope with this we should build a jail in every county. This would give a boost to local suppliers and small businesses. — Mr Sensible.

For a moment I hoped that this was actually 80's punkster Captain Sensible but then I realised that the Cap was actually fairly bright so it isn't him. I liked the idea that prisons are actually good for the economy too. Now I'm no Adam Smith but even I know that keeping peeps locked up costs a fortune. That's okay because our next writer realises this and has a solution,

Outer Mongolia


WE KNOW convicts are released from prison long before they have served their full sentences. Some are committing crimes within days of being released. The reason they are being put back on the streets is because it is expensive to incarcerate them. That being so, shouldn’t we find somewhere to put them where the cost wouldn’t be so great? Many years ago we sent convicts to Australia. Today, I believe we should send them to Outer Mongolia. — Pageboy.

I wonder how the Outer Mongolians would feel about that. But enough of the sublime let's try the ridiculous,

No surrender


AS AN Englishman happily ensconced in Dundee, I would like to know what would then become of the British passport if Scotland became independent, as I have no intention of surrendering mine. — Matt Spence, Perth Road, Dundee.

Just keep taking the pills mate although I do like your use of the word ensconced it makes you look like you might have half a brain. Of course it would take a real pedant to actually answer this nonsense,

Passports


I AM a history teacher with a keen interest in Scotland’s past and future, so I can shed light on Matt Spence’s query about passports and nationality. The British state is rooted in the 1707 Treaty of Union and if Scotland ever becomes an independent state again, the Treaty of Union would have to be revoked. This would result in the end of the British state as we know it; so Mr Spence’s British passport would almost certainly become invalid. He would either have the choice of taking out Scottish citizenship, with a Scottish passport, or return to England, where he could apply for English citizenship and an English passport. — History Teacher.

You can always rely on a history teacher to go to great lengths to state the bloody obvious. The subject of crime comes back again as somebody comes up with the perfect solution,

Hard labour


BEING SENT to prison is a punishment for being found guilty of wrong-doing. However, it would appear being sent to prison is not a deterrent for recidivists, and seems like a cushy number, what with leisure facilities, access to televisions, gymnasiums, etc. Prisoners should be rationed to bread and water, and made to undertake hard labour. Their time in prison should be as harsh as possible. This may deter them from re-offending and costing the taxpayer more money. — Jack Michaelson, Dundee.

I was just thinking of getting caught shoplifting or something so I can get a free holiday at one of these fantastic prisons especially since they finally got rid of slopping out.

And I'd like to end this with good news for all the English peeps ensconced in Dundee,

Right to residency


IT IS the SNP’s policy that, if someone resident of Scotland when we become independent chooses not to take up Scottish citizenship, then he or she will continue to enjoy an unaffected right to residency. So the reply to Matt Spence’s question is that nothing will change for him. — Stewart Hunter, Dundee West SNP.

I know I breathed a sigh of relief at that one.

I know you've been wondering what G looks like...

2006-11-26T16:06:00.000Z

And this is me in all my glory looking cool in the back of a bakkie in South Africa. Handsome and suave looking devil aren't I? I'm currently sorting out my photies from the trip so more to come.

Acoustic shock

2006-11-20T23:55:00.000Z

This is me from a forum I'm on,

I'm a call centre monkey which means that I sit with a headset on all day listening to peeps shout at you. Very occasionally this can lead to acoustic shock which is not a nice thing.

Late this afternoon there was something like electronic feedback straight into my right ear. I felt sick straight away as it fucked up my inner ear and I've not been right since. My head is just totally fucked in that I'm completely tense and paranoid, I've not got tinnitus but every background sound is a major irritation and I'm still feeling vaguely ill. I've had this once or twice before and it's really sodding horrible but it's even worse because the hobbitgirl hasn't seen me like this and it's not nice.

Sorry just ranting a bit. I'll feel better tomorrow.

That was a few hours ago and I'm feeling a bit better only because I've got my headphones on which cuts out the extraneous sounds that are winding me up rotten. Rosa was a bit worried because I'm so sodding tense but what can you do?

Dunfermline 2-1 Dundee United

2006-11-19T21:49:00.000Z

Of course United were 1-0 ahead through most of the game and an equalizer is acceptable but they handed the game away in the 89th minute the idiots. It's good that we beat Rangers but do we have to bounce back to shiteness by being drubbed by fucking Dunfermline?

In other news I'm still not sure what to say about South Africa. It's a nation of weird contradictions with extreme poverty living next to mad riches, really friendly and kind peeps with horrible acts of crime and stupendous countryside with intense cities. I love it to bits but don't know how to describe it.

I am really proud of myself for hauling my fat arse over Table Mountain whilst the tablecloth was down though.

Rosa's brother Ed is a cool bloke and his wife Marieke is really lovely. They did well putting up with me and I can't wait to have them up for the wedding. One of my high points was watching Rosa and Ed dancing on a late drunken night. Broke your heart so it did.

Coming back to the cold north was crap but having my cat Guinness waiting for us made it worthwhile. Our catsitter had spoiled the wee git rotten though, she thinks it's fine to jump on the coffee table.

This turned out a bit messy but my heads still fucked from trying to work out what South Africa's about. I'm away to watch Torchwood now.

Parochial News Day!

2006-11-14T14:28:00.000Z

As some of you may be aware I've been in South Africa for the past fortnight which has changed what parochial news I've been subjected to. Therefore today I'd like to welcome our guest publication The Citizen.

South Africa's been having quite a few political scandals recently and crime is a very big issue but todays paper had a story concerning an issue that I know is important to all Saffies.

Beer unaffected by gas shortage

JOHANNESBURG – Beer will flow as usual over the festive season while the supply of certain fizzy soft drinks could be affected by a carbon dioxide shortage.

SA Breweries spokesman Michael Farr said on Monday that the country’s seven breweries were self reliant when it came to supplies of the crucial gas.

“Therefore beer production is normal and is not affected,” he said.

The shortages, expected this month and next month, were because of demand exceeding full production, “as it always does in the December period,” said Farr.

South Africa faced the shortages due to production problems experienced by the major CO2 supplier.

Production was being focused on core brands -- Coca-Cola, Fanta and Sprite -- and to ensure some sizes were available.

Less popular drinks -- such as Fanta Pine, Fanta Grape, Sprite Zero and TAB -- could be in short supply, Farr said. – Sapa.

They said that things could get bad down there but that's sailing a little close to the wind in my opinion.

Not to say that The Citizen is only concerned with local problems. A link on the front pageleads us to this story,

Scottish island robbed of its innocence

LONDON – A tiny Scottish island where residents routinely leave their houses and cars unlocked has suffered its first burglary in living memory after a visiting workman stole 60 pounds (89 euros or 115 dollars).

The culprit, who was later caught, was fined 400 pounds and ordered to pay compensation to his victim, after snatching the cash on Colonsay, off the west coast, where there has been no crime at all since 2004.

The Hebridean isle -- where locks are reportedly rusted through lack of use -- is home to only 125 people and is seen as one of Britain’s safest places.

Friday’s Daily Telegraph reported that the island’s part-time policeman Don McLeod swooped on thief James Harvey, 38, from Glasgow, who was stranded on Colonsay for several days while he waited for a ferry back to the mainland.

Harvey’s victim, “Wee” (little) Davie Sutherland, 75, was quoted as saying: “I suppose it was only 60 pounds but it just doesn’t happen here.

“I don’t even have a lock on my house, so that tells you what you need to know about the island.”

The last crime on Colonsay involved the theft of several cars which were driven around the island then dumped. – Sapa-AFP.

Okay so they don't have any crime on Teuchter Island but I still can't get very excited at this one though I do like that the one flaw in the master criminals plan was that there's only one ferry a week. It's the details that get you.

And this one is just so Jo'burg,

Lucky escape as floor sinks into shaft

By Durelle Kariem

JOHANNESBURG – Two men narrowly escaped death when the floor of their shack sank down a mine shaft at the Angelo informal settlement yesterday morning.

Ekurhuleni emergency services spokesman Johan van den Heever said the floor of the shack fell down what used to be an old mine shaft.

“The incident happened after a water pipe along the mining belt became corroded.

“Due to the water pipe leaking and the heavy rain we had on Sunday night, the ground became unstable,” Van den Heever said.

The men were unharmed and left the shack after they realised that the floor had collapsed.

Ekurhuleni Housing spokesman Fanie Mare said the next step would be to relocate the residents to safer land.

The land belonged to one of the mines and not the municipality.

“We are still in the process of discussing permission to move the residents”, Mare said.

It is believed the mine manager will have to assist the housing department to find a safer area of land.

Jo'burg is so hardcore even the subsidence is out to get you.

I'd just like to finish by thanking Graham for the Dundee United update and to note that we won again against Kilmarnock at the weekend so things are looking up. I was able to get the SPL scores in South Africa but not from The Citizen which is why this article confused me.

Pressley omission stuns Hearts fans

EDINBURGH (AFP)

Romania's Ioan Ganea (L) vies for the ball with Scotland's Steven Pressley during an international friendly in March 2004. A troubled season for Hearts has taken another sharp turn for the worse with the future of Pressley in doubt following his omission from the side that drew 1-1 away to Falkirk on November 13.

A troubled season for Hearts has taken another sharp turn for the worse with the future of influential skipper Steven Pressley in doubt following his omission from the side that drew 1-1 away to Falkirk on Monday.

The Scotland international centre-half has been a mainstay of the side over the last few years and captained them to Scottish Cup success last year as well as second place in the Premier division.

But his recent outspoken comments detailing "significant unrest" in the Tynecastle dressing room following statements from club majority shareholder Vladimir Romanov and frequent managerial changes appear to have cost him his place in the starting line-up.

There were also unconfirmed rumours that Pressley had been stripped of the captaincy which could provoke furore among Hearts' fans among whom he is hugely popular.

Mired in a run of poor results that have cost them second place in the league, two other stalwarts - Paul Hartley and Robbie Nelson - were also benched for the game at Falkirk.

Highly-rated goalkeeper Craig Gordon was the only Hearts player to comment on Pressley's demotion.

"It is hard. After the team meeting, I had to go away and compose myself and put myself in the frame of mind that I was going out to do a job," the Scotland international said.

"We have got a couple of thousand Hearts fans coming to cheer us on. I gave everything I had."

Gordon revealed Pressley had urged his team-mates to secure a win.

"I spoke to him on a few occasions, and he wanted the boys to go out there and get a result. He was 100 percent behind the players."

Christophe Berra led the team out at Falkirk, but Gordon maintains Pressley is irreplaceable.

"He is the captain and has been for a number of years," he said.

"I don't see anybody in that dressing room capable of replacing the big character and big leader that he is."

Asked if all the players are behind Pressley, Gordon said: "You would have to ask everybody individually. I would hope the vast majority if not every player would back him.

"He always battles our corner and has the players' interests at the forefront of his mind."

The managerial merry-go-round at Tynecastle looks set to continue with the emergence of another Lithuanian coach in the shape of Eugenijus Riabovas.

At Falkirk the coaching duties were carried out by Eduard Malofeev himself stepping in for Valdas Ivanauskas, the Lithuanian who was in charge at the start of the year but who has taken time off to recover from illness.

I couldn't find the United score in the paper for two weeks and then suddenly we're given an indepth article on Heart of Midlothian and their game against Falkirk. Just goes to show.

Falkirk 5-1 Dundee United

2006-10-28T23:02:00.000Z

I've been an Arab all my life, I've ballboyed for them in European competition, watched them stuff Benfica and Barcelona and stopped going to Scottish Cup finals just in time for them to win.

Nothing has prepared me for this.

5-1 from fucking Falkirk!

Fucking Falkirk!

Rosa and I watched the highlights in the pub and United were practically scoring the goals for fucking Falkirk! The only bright light was Colin Samuels goal, go you Trinidad & Tobago boys, but this is easily the worst United side I've seen in my life and take my word for it it's been a bad decade or so!

The worst poet ever recounts Dundee's worst disaster...

2006-10-28T01:01:00.000Z

And one of Britains worst ever railway disasters. If you ever visit I'll show you the stumps of the bridge. But now a worse tragedy...

The Tay Bridge Disaster

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay!
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That ninety lives have been taken away
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

'Twas about seven o'clock at night,
And the wind it blew with all its might,
And the rain came pouring down,
And the dark clouds seem'd to frown,
And the Demon of the air seem'd to say-
"I'll blow down the Bridge of Tay."

When the train left Edinburgh
The passengers' hearts were light and felt no sorrow,
But Boreas blew a terrific gale,
Which made their hearts for to quail,
And many of the passengers with fear did say-
"I hope God will send us safe across the Bridge of Tay."

But when the train came near to Wormit Bay,
Boreas he did loud and angry bray,
And shook the central girders of the Bridge of Tay
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

So the train sped on with all its might,
And Bonnie Dundee soon hove in sight,
And the passengers' hearts felt light,
Thinking they would enjoy themselves on the New Year,
With their friends at home they lov'd most dear,
And wish them all a happy New Year.

So the train mov'd slowly along the Bridge of Tay,
Until it was about midway,
Then the central girders with a crash gave way,
And down went the train and passengers into the Tay!
The Storm Fiend did loudly bray,
Because ninety lives had been taken away,
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

As soon as the catastrophe came to be known
The alarm from mouth to mouth was blown,
And the cry rang out all o'er the town,
Good Heavens! the Tay Bridge is blown down,
And a passenger train from Edinburgh,
Which fill'd all the peoples hearts with sorrow,
And made them for to turn pale,
Because none of the passengers were sav'd to tell the tale
How the disaster happen'd on the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

It must have been an awful sight,
To witness in the dusky moonlight,
While the Storm Fiend did laugh, and angry did bray,
Along the Railway Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay,
Oh! ill-fated Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay,
I must now conclude my lay
By telling the world fearlessly without the least dismay,
That your central girders would not have given way,
At least many sensible men do say,
Had they been supported on each side with buttresses,
At least many sensible men confesses,
For the stronger we our houses do build,
The less chance we have of being killed.

That was by the worst poet ever to walk the earth William McGonagall.

All those wee nagging worries...

2006-10-26T20:09:00.000Z

Are mostly sorted nae hass likesay. I got up early and dived down the bank to sort out stuff cashwise for going to South Africa next week, Rosa's called our mate Jenny to mind Guinness and a sudden brief panic about visas was easily cleared.

I did mention we're going to South Africa to see Rosa's brother and sister-in-law next week didn't I? No? Okay then...

Rosa and I are heading off to South Africa on Monday to visit her brother Ed and his wife Marieke.

Happy?

Anyway most of my nagging worries have gone leaving me but a few.

1. Ed and I might really hate each other resulting in an awkward holiday and years of forced politeness on holidays until our simmering rage explodes over Christmas dinner leaving any children present mentally scarred for life.

This is pretty unlikely as I'm pretty loveable, in a manly way of course, Rosa will break my fingers if I even look like I'm about to be horrible and Ed seems a nice guy.

2. Work worries.

Yeah right I'm going on holiday!

3. I called to book a venue for our wedding reception but it was already booked.

A bit of a worry but we'll find somewhere I'm sure or we could always just grab a pint and a packet of crisps.

4. Baxters Park won't be finished in time for the wedding.

Strangely enough that wasn't a worry until it somehow got into my head today.

5. Existential angst. Y'know if God doesn't exist is there any meaning to life and are any of our moral choices of any consequence and stuff like that.

That one still get's me at three in the morning but then I remember to stop being a pretentious prat.

Parochial news day

2006-10-24T18:56:00.000Z

Actually this is quite important news about the venue of my upcoming marriage,

Baxter Park revamp in final phase

The final phase of a £3.5 million revamp of Dundee’s Baxter Park has been given the go ahead by the city council (writes Brian Allison, local government reporter).

A long-running restoration project, mainly funded through the Heritage Lottery, has been taking place to return the park to its original Victorian splendour.

Among the major elements of the project are refurbishment of the pavilion, a new park ranger centre on the site of the former bandstand, construction of an adventure play area and restoration of the park’s ornate gates and railings.

Terrace improvements and landscape works costing over £650,000 will complete the project. Contracts for the work have been awarded to T&N Gilmartin.

One of the contracts involves civil engineering works at the terrace and includes drainage, footpaths, resurfacing and lighting. The second contract comprises landscaping works on the railings, installation of street furniture and signage.

Leisure and communities director Stewart Murdoch said, in a report, “The resurfacing of the terrace and footpaths in a bound gravel surface is to recreate an historic appearance and complement the newly refurbished main pavilion. Lighting will be installed around the main pavilion, along the terrace and between the Park Centre and the main pavilion.”

In total, the cost of the Baxter Park restoration is in excess of £3.5 million. Heritage Lottery funding of £2.839 million has been obtained along with £275,000 from Historic Scotland. The council’s leisure and communities department has contributed more than £430,000 to the project from its capital budget.

Aberdeen 3-1 Dundee United

2006-10-22T15:25:00.000Z

This is getting beyond a sodding joke. If this keeps up they'll be relegated and deserve it.

That and Rosa being away again, Manchester this time, is probably why I'm feeling a bit down today, probably not helped by the fact that I've been hiding in the house playing XBox and mucking about with music all weekend instead of going out there and doing stuff. On the upside I finally got of my fat arse, I'm still not enjoying the fat thing, and did some tidying up so Rosa won't think I'm a completely lazy git when she gets back and whilst I was hoovering I remembered that the poem I've been looking for wasn't actually by Phillip Larkin at all but by Michael Ivens.

FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL
by Michael Ivens

First day at school
the large boy
kindly
hurled my ball
with amazing skill
high over the roof

soaring out of sight
out of my prosaic life

Unstintingly
I gave him
my admiration
As others have done
when their respect
money
virginity
honour hope and lives
have been hurled
triumphantly out of sight.

Okay perhaps not the cheeriest poem in the world but I like it. I'm off for a swim.

The poetry corner

2006-10-22T13:17:00.000Z

For various reasons including putting off doing the hoovering I've found myself obsessively trying to hunt down a poem about schooldays that I think was written by Phillip Larkin. Haven't found it yet but I did come across another one of his I've not read in years.

This Be The Verse
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

It's probably his best known for very good reasons.

Have I mentioned my cousin...

2006-10-15T13:47:00.000Z

David Gourlay is currently recording his first album?

Well he is. It's not really my kind of stuff but he is a really good singer and I figure quite a lot of you will like him.

Don't you ever wonder how the hell does Stevie Wonder see things?

2006-10-15T12:32:00.000Z

I know you've all been desperately waiting for me to talk about music so you can find out what you're allowed to like and dislike so if we are all seated comfortably I shall let you know what I'm listening to at the moment.

I first came across Hot Chip at the BBC Big Weekend earlier this year and they blew me away with their savvy lyrics, kicking tunes and geekstyle. My mate Graham says they sound like a load of geeks who've just found out that those buttons on the synth make funny noises and want to play, this is not a bad thing in my view.

Brian Eno is a god. The godfather of ambient, a fantastic producer and a top artist. My Life in the Bush of Ghosts with David Byrne is a must buy if you even pretend to like music.

You already love Talking Heads of course so nuff said.

Damian Marley dispenses his own brand of hiphop reggae that concerns itself with todays Jamaica. He only really falls down when he tries to use his dads stuff strangely enough.

Takako Minewaka is my current fave Japanese artist with a really good electronic sound.

And if you want some great Scottish musioc check out Teenage Fanclub, Primal Scream and for all you hip kids who like being into the next big thing Dundee's very own The View.

I hate Phil Collins with a passion.

Dundee United 1-4 Celtic

2006-10-14T19:06:00.000Z

Fuckfuckfuckittyfuckfuckfucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not a happy bunny!

On the upside my good mate supports Oxford United and they won today which keeps them in place on top of stupid daft league.

Rosa bought me walking boots today. I'm a little concerned that this means I've got to walk through the sodding hills of Scotland.

Hot Chip are fabulous.

Just some random stuff

2006-10-12T19:22:00.000Z

Finally got around to sorting out my training program at the gym tonight and it's awfy awfy sair. Looks like I'll just have to keep pushing it until I get addicted to the old endorphins and can't stop. On the upside I'm up to a kilometre in my half-hour swim.

Sorted out a priest-type bloke for the wedding. Rev Bob said it's not a problem to turn up at 2pm on the 18th August 2007. We're diving down on Tuesday evening for a chat.

Watched XMen 3 at the weekend at it was really really bad especially considering the first two were pretty good. Also watched Brick which is a sort of high school film noir and is really really good with about 1/30 of the budget of XCrap.

I had to visit my Auntie Isobel last week because she was about to die at any moment and you know how you've got to turn up and look concerned in case they've got hidden millions. Well I found out tonight that she's apparently getting better from the whole death thing. Well she's had her visit and you only get one, next time I'm sending a card.

Since the whole Tele letters thing I've started noticing the Baby on Board sticky things more and more and they are really annoying. So far we've seen,

Babe on Board - It was in pink and to be absolutely frank the lassie driving the car wasn't really a babe. Now if it had said Minger on Board I might have nodded.

Small Person on Board - I imagine this get's used a lot when Snow Whites on at panto or there's a dwarf-throwing event going on.

Born to Shop - Fuck off!

Grandchild on Board - Well this one really depends on whose grandchild we're talking about since everybodies somebodies grandkid including the driver.

!Caution New Driver - This really irritates me because the traditional sign for a new driver in the UK is a green and white L-Plate instead of a white and red one. In other words this is a new poserish driver who needs his car taken off him.

I'm away to write into The Tele.

So I got new jeans yesterday

2006-10-08T10:32:00.000Z

And I got them from the coolest shop in Dundee which makes me feel like Grandad G when I'm in it. Not that this was helped by Rosa shouting out in the middle of skater snowboardy hiphoptastic cooldaddy shop " These shorts are great cos they come with a sewing kit!".

Anyway I got cool hiphop jeans that turn into shorts so not only will I be cool in a pimp daddy stylee when I'm in South Africa my calves will be cool once I take the bottom of them off. OTOH this is the first pair of hiphop jeans I've ever bought and I can't get over the message that came with them,

Five Pointz represents the five elements of hip hop: DJ, BBoy, Graffiti, MC and Knowledge. The clothing will express each point through the design techniques having unique surprises. Each point comes together to help us all remember the true roots of hip hop culture. The turtle is the longevity and the life of hip hop culture.

Frankly I have no idea what they're talking about and just got laughed at by Rosa when I asked what a BBoy was but mibbee you folks who are more down with the scene know more. If you're wondering about the turtle reference at the end so am I as there is no turtle motif at all on the jeans.

WAHEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-10-08T01:10:00.000Z

Scotland 1-0 France

I've got loads to talk about but it's all got to go behind...

Scotland 1-0 France

It's so sweet let's try it again...

Scotland 1-0 France

So music

2006-10-03T15:32:00.001Z

Third post of the day and we've not even looked at parochial news or anything!

Music-wise I've always liked to regard myself as a post-punk indiechild who definitely checked into the banging club tunes of the late eighties but nevertheless has soul and deep funk whilst always keeping an eye on the old reggae.

Damn it life was easier when I met Rosa and described my taste in music as white boys with guitars even if I then proceeded to play her Sly and the Family Stone and The Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy proving it a lie.

Dundee United News

2006-10-03T12:09:00.000Z

Hearts 4-0 Dundee United

Well that's us 11th in the sodding league :-(

Wot I done on my weekend

2006-10-03T10:18:00.000Z

Well apart from partying down in a gangsta stylee of course but let's take that one as a given.

Daisy: We live in a fantasy world, Tim. We've just constructed this fake utopia where y'know we never get old and never have to face the responsibilities of adulthood. We're just stretching our childhoods out as far as they can go.
Tim: Yeah, I know. We're lucky aren't we?
Daisy: I mean, I'm not going to be wearing plastic jewlery when I'm 40.

I bought and spent most of my time watching both series of Spaced in the new snazzy 3-disc collectors edition. For those of you not aware of this show it was a sitcom from the turn of the century about two 20-somethings who fake being a couple in order to get a flat and is the best sitcom ever made probably because the stars and writers are almost exactly the same age as me and big geeks.

[to a Star Wars: The Phantom Menace fan]
Tim Bisley: You are so blind! You so do not understand! You weren't there at the beginning. You don't know how good it was! How important! This is it for you! This jumped-up firework display of a toy advert! People like you make me sick! What's wrong with you? Now, I don't care if you've saved up all your fifty 'p's, take your pocket money and get out!
[the little boy runs off, crying]
Tim Bisley: What a prick.

Of course you'll know of Simon Pegg from his film Shaun of the Dead which shares a lot of the humour of Spaced and his new film Hott Fuzz is in post-production now for a release next year. I was worried that it might not be as good as I remember it but it is absolutely perfect. When Rosa got back she watched the first 5 episodes and agreed it's great though I disagree in her comparing me to Tim.

Bilbo Bagshot: What about the Ewoks eh? They were rubbish. You don't complain about them.
Tim: Yeah but Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like... fuckin'... Shaft.

I also picked up and started reading The Zombie Survival Guide. Now you lot may laugh but don't come running to me when the dead rise and you're not prepared!

So the hobbit's away

2006-09-30T09:30:00.000Z

Rosa's gone to see Sarah in Ireland and I sodding hate it. When she talks about going away it sounds pretty good likesay. I mean a weekend of hanging out playing XBox, drinking beer and eating manly meat sounds great, maybe I'll have a Snoop Dogg type party with loads of coke and bitchs and stuff and I'll have a proper lie-in without being dragged out of bed to watch Baywatch and shit.

She's been gone two and a half hours and I have no idea what to do without her. I'm a sad git.

I've decided to inflict my fave lines from songs on the world. I am planning on doing a top bling line of the day but Pulp fit my mood better.

Oh we were brought up on the Space-Race,
now they expect you to clean toilets.

I'm off to party like Snoop Dogg now,

Dundee United

2006-09-27T14:32:00.000Z

I forgot to mention we had yet another rubbish home performance last weekend barely drawing 1-1 with bottom of the table Motherwell. So that's United 10th on the table and without a home win this season. :-(

Parochial Letters Day

2006-09-27T12:27:00.000Z

Last week a question of great import was raised in the Tele

Car sign madness
JUST WHAT do drivers think they are achieving by displaying
those silly yellow signs like “Baby on Board” in their cars?
Do they really
think that other motorists are targeting cars with which to have accidents?
Do they believe that the sight of their “Princess on Board” sign will make
other drivers change their mind and crash into another car without a sign?
These signs are a danger, inviting, as they do, other drivers to take their
eyes off the road.
Can we just stop this madness now? — Driven Mad

This has started an important debate throughout Dundee.

Drivers
do take notice of signs
LETTER WRITER Driven Mad complains about car
signs like “Baby On Board”.
Some people do take notice and back off instead
of sitting on my bumper.
As a mother of two young children and a baby I like
to warn people they could hurt innocent children.
I can honestly say I
believe the sign in my rear window has made people think twice. — Mad Drivers.

Out of order
DRIVEN MAD is out of order if he thinks “silly yellow signs”
reading “Baby On Board” are a “danger” to other drivers.
While these signs
may not make other drivers crash into an alternative car, they do offer some
protection nonetheless.
If, for example, you do not have such a sign and are
being tailgated, you will likely continue to be tailgated. If, however, a sign
is displayed, the effect should hopefully be to make the driver behind get his
dangerous behaviour in check.
Once a driver is close enough to read such a
sign, they may already be too close and in need of a wake-up call. — Drive To
Survive.

Hand in licence
IF DRIVEN Mad thinks “Baby On Board” signs are dangerous,
then he or she should hand in his, or her, licence now.
I have one on my
rear window, and when I see one on another vehicle I pull back a little and it
does not distract my attention from the road.— Penelope Pitstop.

Okay Penelope even having a differing opinion means he should have his driving priviliges taken away?

No idea
DRIVEN MAD obviously has no idea the real reason behind “Baby On
Board” signs.
They are in place to advise emergency services that a baby or
child is travelling in case of a collision.
Safety should be the number one
priority for everyone. — Conscientious Mother.

Yeah those suckers that hold on the signs are well known for surviving crashes.

But not everybody was against the original writer.

Outlandish manoeuvre
I AGREE with Driven Mad about signs warning of “Baby On
Board”.
What the sign often means is the parent is going to make some
outlandish manoeuvre, when distracted by the travelling child.
It is only
the quick reflexes of other drivers which avert serious accidents. — Distracted.

Clearly having such a sign means you may suddenly decide to have a go at wheelies at anytime at the goading of the evil travelling child.

Weekend films

2006-09-25T09:44:00.000Z

I wanted to go see Clerks 2 this weekend but the Kiwi wasnae well so we got DVD's instead.

The Transporter 2

This was nearly fantastic in it's ludicrous plotting, silly stunts and Jason Streatham doing his cool as fuck action hero thing but it was all ruined by CGI driving stun. Now I've got nothing against CGI but there really is no need to do it with cars. Gits!

Tsotsi

Brilliant. The main character is a truly awful person yet they still manage to squeeze a bit of sympathy for him out of you, the simple plot manages to avoid sentimentality and all the performances are fantastic. I really need the soundtrack as well.

Lorraine Kelly Watch

2006-09-22T19:52:00.000Z

I missed this on Sunday but it appears that the Dundee University Lorraine Kelly debate has reached new heights The Sunday Post!

Advice
STUDY HARD, play hard, drink lots and have safe sex. That was the advice Rector Lorraine Kelly gave to new students at Dundee University. As a mother, will she be happy to give the same advice to her daughter when the time comes for her to start university?

Mrs M. Georgeson, Monifieth.

Well I think that'll have given our Lorraine something to think about don't you?

And Lorraines troubles don't end there.

TV boss quits over Kelly hate text
Thursday September 21, 11:44 AM

Click to enlarge photo

A GMTV boss has quit after accidentally sending a text message to presenter Lorraine Kelly saying she hated her.
Benedetta Pinelli meant to fire off the angry text to her husband after falling out with Kelly while filming on location in Namibia.
Instead she sent Kelly a message which read: "I hate LK."
Realising her mistake, she immediately resigned from her job in charge of the LK Today show.
The drama unfolded last week during a three-day trip to Africa to film cheetahs being released into the wild.
"Benedetta made a massive mistake and fell on her sword. She is hugely embarrassed about the whole thing," said an insider on the ITV1 programme.
"It was entirely her decision to leave. Lorraine played no part in her resignation.
"Lorraine just wants to forget about it and move on. It's so rare to hear a bad word about her because she is a very well-loved presenter here."
Benedetta, who joined GMTV five months ago as Head of Lifestyle, has already found a new job with a film company.
She said: "I'm leaving a strong show behind and I'm very proud of my team. In fact I'm taking them out for a farewell drink tonight."

Thank God that weeks over!

2006-09-22T19:24:00.000Z

This week seemed to go on forever. I don't think me or the Kiwi really recovered from last Saturday before going back to work and worked proved to be a complete pussy* on Monday and Tuesday but hey we had Wednesday off so nae hass.

Right.

It was all meant to be so easy. We'd both got the day off to go down to Dundee University Open Day but we didn't have to be there til the back of 12 so we could have a lie in and potter about a bit. Well Guinness decided she wanted fed, played with and out at 7am so we never got to sleep in but we tried so we never got up til half-ten. We then futtered around the house too much so we were late heading down the gym for a quick swim and did you know that Rosa doesn't like to be rushed? Well she doesn't and let's you know at length.

Sorry I've got to nip out to get the girl Heat magazine...

...Got the magazine. Apparently Pete's dumped Nicki and the girl needs to know about it right now!

Then we went to the open day which was a complete info download and gave us loads to talk about over a pint afterwards. Of course after two pints we remembered we had to rush home to play an RPG later on. Frankly our days off are getting to be too much work.

The open day was all about the possibility of me going back to school which is a possibility but we're still thinking what with weddings and stuff coming up first.

The rest of the week's mainly consisted of work boredom and gym pain so nothing new there.

*For you colonists this is pronounced the same as hussy and means a hassle.

It's Parochial News Day

2006-09-18T20:40:00.000Z

Because the G hanging out with international reggae superstars is a bit boring let's see what else is happening in the Dun that is Dee.

The Proclaimers Musical

Screw the ABBA and Queen crap I present you with the musical based on the musical workings of our own Proclaimers. Gasp at that 500 Mile journey, hear that Letter from America and bask in the Sunshine on Leith. The Dundee Rep is actually wonderful and their version of Monkey was trancsendent so we have high hopes.

There's no such thing as a 90 minute bigot

I have a deep disgust of sectarianism whether Catholic or Protestant and I particularly hate it in our national game. We are better than that.

We should have beaten Caley!

I'm expecting United to get into the top half of the table this season but they're going to have to do better. Saying that my support isn't great as I doubt I can afford to take the Kiwi and I to Tannadice until Febuary.

The Sunday Post says Rosa should buy me Lego Star Wars II

She disagrees strongly, I find her lack of faith disturbing.

Best Saturday EVAH!

2006-09-17T12:46:00.000Z

Or something like it anyway.

Yesterday was far too busy, it's Open Doors Weekend in Dundee so we decided to take advantage and visit a couple of places the first being the venue of our wedding next year Baxters Park pavilion. Baxters park is my local park which was donated by one of Dundees Jute Barons in the 19th century and designed by the bloke who designed Crystal Palace . Up until a few years ago the park and particularly the pavilion was in complete disrepair but it's now restored and looks fabulous. We had a tour of the pavilion from one of the urban rangers, is that not the coolest job title evah, and I am completely stoked that we're getting wed there.

After that it was down to the gym fo a few lengths in the pool then on to Dundee Central Mosque which was really fascinating. I already knew the basics of Islam but sitting down for a chat with a scholar of the Qu'ran was a real eye-opener and I loved the sense of community especially with all the kids running about. It's definitely piqued my interest and I will go back.

Then later on we went to see The Black Seeds live and they were fantastic or choice as my Kiwigirl says. There's nothing like a Kiwi reggae/funk/soul 8 piece band to send you to skank heaven. Check out their tour dates and run, don't walk, to get tickets if they're round your way. After the gig we chatted with Barnaby, the lead singer, who remembered me from last year and is a genuinely sweet guy. Check out their new video Sometimes Enough.

After all that we headed home where I put up a couple of posters I'd snaffled at the gig, opened a beer then promptly fell asleep on the sette. As Saturdays go that was sweet as!

Lorraine Kelly Update

2006-09-16T20:35:00.000Z

She's had to apologise unfortunately.

Peeps have no sense of humour nowadays!

Anyway I'm off to watch The Black Seeds live but later on I'll let know about the gig, our visit to our wedding venue and todays mosque visit.

Random Havers

No Ball Games

Let's be other people

Even polar bears need warm hearts to make it through the snow!

Resurrecting the crap!

Parochial News Day

Where do the nights of sleep go when they do not come to me?

Parochial Sports News

I Hate Scotland

Parochial Poetry Day

Parochial News Day

Being Scottish is...

A two-up two-down, two point five and a dish on the roof for the soaps!

Parochial News Day

Liberty City Police Face Allegations Of Incompetence, Brutality

Things I have learned whilst turning from 34-35!

Just because

In which tapdancing, existentialism & penguins collide

This is it, this is where I'll be

I've never met a nice South African!

Parochial News Day!

Cricket: NZ win first test against England by 189 runs

1:08PM Sunday March 09, 2008

Che Fu wants recycling lyrics

Guide dogs have a giggle

Horrie in hurry hitches a ride in a Honda

Home, this is where I'll be!

I'm just a symptom of the moral decay that's gnawing at the heart of the country!

New music of 2007

New Years Parochial Letters Day

Parochial News Day

Dundee United 2-1 Rangers

Parochial News and Dundee-Hab Day

The Habby Habit

Oi Brigit!

Don't let me down gently, in fact don't let me down at all!

MeNoFearNoHaka

Sometimes I go out by myself and I look across the water...

The plane the plane!

What Graham needs.

Wedding photies!

The boy done good!

Cartoon boyfriend when you gonna rub yourself out?

But I gotta know what's your fantasy

Dundee United 0-1 Barcelona

Parochial News Day

It's the suede denim secret police!

In just 7 days I can make you a man!

Will you buy this game?

Uh Oh We're In Trouble!

The World was a mess but his hair was perfect

You know why living in South Africa is shitty?

Parochial news day

Separated at birth!

For Rosa

Love For Love

Okay boys you can stop making videos now...

We could crawl but I'd rather drive she said!

You know what I'm doing that you're not?

Parochial News Day

Scotland will stuff the Netherlands in the Cricket World Cup!

Garry plays a bit of cricket

Keeping it random

The first rule of Mime Club...

General havers

A bit of drfunken blogging

And in today's Parochial News

Rangers 5-0 Dundee United

In which Garry wanders through Youtube

Shocking Parochial News

Happy New Year!

Parochial letters day

Christmas Havers

Drunken blogging...

Dundee United 3-1 Inverness Caledonian Thistle

And what sport is Scotland the greatest at?

Hibernian 2-1 Dundee United

Who are we and other random shite.

Kindness is timeless

Dundee United 1-0 St Mirren