Even polar bears need warm hearts to make it through the snow!

I have a lovely sister-in-law. She's intelligent, witty and has very pretty eyes. Not as pretty as mines of course but who does? Unfortunately she's also completely delusional.

Back at the beginning of December we here in jolly old Scotland had a wee bit of snow. When I say a wee bit it was the worst snowfall here since records began. My sister-in-law, we'll call her Marieka since that's her name, thought that this sounded great. Living in South Africa she's never seen actual snow falling from the actual sky and thinks it's a wonderful and romantic thing and wants to experience it herself.

To be fair snow is a wonderful and romantic thing when you've just got up and you're watching it through the double-glazing whilst sipping coffee. That's a great 5 minutes. Afterwards it's just a complete fucking hassle! To truly experience snow you have to go through a couple of weeks of digging the car out, falling on your arse on the black ice and generally freezing your bollocks off.

I know some will say that we only had about six inches, that's nothing compared to Alaska or Finland, and I could always move somewhere warmer but that's kind of missing the point. The UK isn't set up to deal with this kind of stuff because in general it's not ususally this bad so it's kind of pointless to invest in an infrastructure you only need every decade or so, if I lived in Finland I'd probably kill myself like so many other peeps who live in Finland do and all the warmer places are fucking dangerous!

You see the beauty of living in Scotland is that the country itself isn't actively trying to kill you. We don't have deadly snakes, venomous spiders or sicko dropbears. Generally the only way to get the environment to kill you here is to a complete idiot and go ice-climbing or something and you've got to be a real idiot as all the way up the pregnant weather girl on the radio will be telling you that it's only idiot weather on the hills.

Frankly I like living in a slightly miserable but pretty safe country where you don't have to check the bowl before you have a crap in case there's a giant bollock eating spider in there. For those who want to experience the wonders of snow you're invited across nexst time as long as you're out at seven every morning with a spade, are willing to travel 20 miles on black ice in the dark each way and nip out for my fags.