Where do the nights of sleep go when they do not come to me?

So normal life has gotten into the way of me updating my blog yet again. I doubt anybodies really a'that bothered but if you are soz an a'that.

Rosa's nipped down to Kiwiland to visit a friend who's just lost her mother to cancer. I've a mate up here waiting for his father to go the same way and I can only imagine how hard it must be. There's not much you can say but they're all in my thoughts. It's weird not having the lass around and it seems to have fucked up my sleeping, probably because I've gotten used to sleeping whilst hanging off the side of the bed and trying to cosy into a small corner of duvet. At least I've got the satisfaction that Rosa'll be suffering hideous jetlag over there.

On a brighter note we managed to catch The Black Seeds in Edinburgh before she left. Barnaby and the gang were as brilliant as ever and I liked the sound of their new stuff. I only hope that the new album is nearly as good as they are live. I've found their previous albums good but not great and know they can do better. If Fat Freddy's Drop can make a great studio album surely they can.

I'd like to tell you that when Rosa's gone I spend my time moping round the house, pining at work and crying into my pillow late at night but that would be a lie. I've actually spent most of my time watching zombie films and playing Fallout 3 on the old Xbox. Fallout 3 is the new CRPG set in a post-apocalyptic world where you try to survive and solve problems in the traditional way, shooting peeps in the face!



See what I mean?

This isn't to say that I've gone all hermit-like or anything. I got free tickets to the Scotland-New Zealand rugby match from an awfy nice Kiwi bloke called Matt so I dragged wee Graham through yesterday for lunch at my club then the pleasure of watching Scotland finally defeat the Kiwi's. Lunch was very nice. I've also got tickets to see De La Soul on Thursday which should be fucking great. Lacking a Kiwigirl to go with I've had to convince my mate Jamesie who hates hiphop that buying a ticket and driving me there and back is a great idea. Weirdly enough he's agreed on the proviso that I am absolutely not allowed to wear hiphop shorts, converse in a ghetto stylee or gett blinged up. He's a harsh man but fair.

Parochial Sports News

As you may be aware I've been an Arab, that is a Dundee United, supporter all my life. I grew up in through the 80's when United were a force in European football with famous wins against such teams as Barcelona and FC Benfica. It was a great team full of character and brilliance and it's brightest star for me was Paul Sturrock who was one of the greatest left-wingers of his time and a fantastic guy. One of the highlights of my young life was being a ballboy for the team in a European game even if I'll always be remembered as the lad that threw the ball to the wrong team, much to the hilarity of the whole city which was watching the game on Scotsport.

Suffice to say Sturrock is one of my greatest heroes so it was a bit of a blow recently to recently learn that he has been suffering from Parkinsons for eight years. At times like this you need to get things in perspective and Sturrock helped us Arabs do just that on Saturday after United beat Plymouth Argyle, the team he manages, 1-0 in Saturdays pre-season friendly.



This has caused quite a bit of controversy in the City of Discovery with many Dundee fans expressing shock and the Lord Provost saying he was 'disappointed' with the comments. I'm with Sturrock on this one though,

Sturrock later apologised if he had caused any offence and said his comments had been intended as banter.

He said, “My remarks were entirely tongue-in-cheek.

“If I have offended anyone I apologise but it was just banter, the sort of thing I’ve been on the receiving end of for the last 25 years whenever I’ve been out on the town in Dundee.

“I have no ill feelings towards Dundee fans and was deeply touched by the kind messages of support I received from them last week when I revealed I was suffering from Parkinson’s disease.”

In the end it's all fun and nothing more than you'd hear in the pub between mates who support the opposing teams. Anyway Sturrock is a mere amateur when it comes to controversy involving United. To see a true professional at work observe the legendary Sir Jim McLeans method of dealing with stupid questions, it's worth watching the whole 3 minutes for the buildup to the climax.

I Hate Scotland

I've been an almost fan of Ballboy for years, always nearly getting around to catching a gig or buying an album. It's a bit of a loss because they are fucking brilliant likesay!

Parochial Poetry Day

I wouldn't like to think that the citizens of Dundee are an uncultured lot. Au contraire we are a city of people who take great joy in indulging in new experiences in the world of art. As evidence I present a letter writer to the Daily Telegraph who has chosen to break free from the shackles of mere prose and enter a new world of poetry,

What for?

I composed this poem because the news gets more depressing every day. Where Has Great Britain Gone? I remember during the War When people helped one another, But now it seems that every day This country is getting like “Big Brother”. Politicians are sitting in Parliament Making up their own rules Such as closing little post offices And also lots of schools. Because they are all the “Fat Cats” With two houses, and two cars, Who grant themselves big pay rises And now live like film stars. Food prices are rising daily, Also the price of petrol and oil And ordinary folk are struggling to manage No matter how hard they toil. Prisons are now like holiday camps Where inmates all have a T.V., But do they pay a licence for it, Or do they also get that free? Prisoners get days out shopping, Making a prison sentence a joke, And ordinary people who like a drink and a fag Have to stand outside the bar to smoke. Parents can’t discipline their kids now By giving them little smacks, Then they wonder why some teenagers Are found guilty of street attacks. So where has Great Britain gone The country who won the War? When thousands of young folk lost their lives And I’m wondering now, “WHAT FOR”? — Jean Hendrie, Strathmore Place, Broughty Ferry, Dundee.

It's always good when peeps find new ways to say we're going to Hell in a handcart and that stopping prisoners having to shit into buckets and not being able to beat our children is what's responsible. Really gives you a warm feeling inside likesay.

Parochial News Day

It's been quite a week in the news what with our current wars oversea, North Korea giving up its nuclear ambitions and the breakup of Jordan & Peter Andres marriage but all this was put into perspective by the front page of yesterdays Courier,

Dismay after shaggy dog has close shave

Fiona Whyte with Eddie.

By Debbie Kerr A DUNDEE pet owner has been left distraught after her dog was treated to a makeover at a doggy beauty parlour in the city. Fiona Whyte took her dog Eddie—a six-year-old Lhasa Apso—to the Family Friends Grooming Parlour, in Albert Street, but could not believe her eyes when he came back bald. The shocked pet owner said Eddie had been booked in only to get his long coat trimmed back last Thursday but was horrified to discover that her beloved pooch had been shaved all over. Fiona, of Gowan Avenue, said, “His coat was getting quite long and can get quite matted so I decided to put him in so they could take his coat back a bit and brush it out, which was agreed with the shop at the time. “However, they must have decided that his hair was so matted that the quickest thing to do was just to shave his coat off.” Fiona added, “They completely shaved him with a razor as if he were a sheep or something. No one called me to ask my permission to shave him, even though I had left my contact number with them. They didn’t have any right to shave his entire coat.” Fiona’s mum went to collect the hapless dog later that afternoon while she was at work and she was dismayed to see how Eddie looked when she arrived home that evening. She continued, “I was really upset when I saw him after work, he looked like a completely different dog. I would have gone to complain straight away but the shop was closed by then and wasn’t open again until Tuesday.” In addition to Eddie’s slightly odd appearance, Fiona says there have been serious consequences of the unauthorised shear. “He has been really affected by it and is constantly biting himself or doing the toilet in the house even though he has been house trained for six years,” she said. “He has been really nervous and is constantly running about and is finding it difficult to sit down. This is totally out of character as he is usually quite a relaxed dog but since this, he has just been a nervous wreck.” Irene Cunningham, the manager of the Family Friends Grooming Parlour, has hit back at the dog owner’s accusations, claiming she had no other option but to shave Eddie’s coat. She said, “Mrs Whyte has come into the shop in the past and I have even showed her how to groom Eddie properly. Unfortunately there was just no way that I could keep his coat because it was so badly matted and unhealthy. When we cut it just came off like a sheep’s coat—it came off in one. “This is not the first time that we have groomed Eddie and when anything has happened in the past, it has never been a problem. “I still have Eddie’s coat in the shop and you can see it is completely matted—I was left with no other option but to take it off. Eddie is much happier without his coat on but Mrs Whyte is not.”

The Earth shook for me when I read this brilliant piece of journalism I can tell you. This is the kind of story that can blow a town like Dundee wide open. Realising the huge import of a story like this The Courier was quick to update us today,

Dog ‘do’ the right thing to do—SSPCA

A DUNDEE animal parlour’s decision to cut short a dog’s hair was vindicated by the SSPCA last night.

An officer from the Scottish Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals visited Family Friends Grooming Parlour in Albert Street after a complaint by dog owner Fiona Whyte was reported in The Courier.

Fiona had taken her six-year-old Lhasa Apso to the parlour to get its long coat trimmed and was not happy that her dog’s hair appeared to have been shaved all over.

Parlour manager Irene Cunningham again defended her decision to cut the hair so short, saying last night they had “no other option because the dog’s coat was so matted.”

Irene called the SSPCA to show them the matted hair and prove she was right to have trimmed it so short.

An SSPCA spokeswoman said last night, “One of our investigators visited the parlour this morning to look at the cut hair and although it is not a major problem he will be talking with the owner. Although the upper coat of a Lhasa Apso can appear shiny and groomed, the undercoat can be difficult to maintain.

“The groomer was left with no option but to take the hair that short. Cutting a dog’s hair down to that level means it is easier to maintain and groom. Now the dog’s hair is smart and suitable for summer.

“Hopefully this situation will be resolved between the parlour owner and the dog owner.”

The spokeswoman emphasised the importance for owners to maintain their dog’s coat, both as a method of bonding but also for ensuring they are carrying out regular health checks on their pet.

“Every dog needs to be groomed,” she added.

“A matted coat is trouble for a dog... we have seen a case in the past where a dog owner was taken to court—their Lhasa Apso had not been groomed for a year and when the vet examined the dog its leg fell off because the matted hair had cut off the blood supply.”

Nothing really surprising in the meat of the story, the woman was clearly negligent and a bit of a nutter, but it's the last quote that really gets me. The SSPCA is telling us that if we don't groom our pets properly bits of them might spontaneously fall off! I don't want to be overly suspicious but I am left wondering if perhaps the vet was examining the poor animal with some sort of sharp instrument when this happened, a chainsaw perhaps. If this is true though I worry for all my beardy friends out there. Be sure and groom your facewarmer properly kids or you might wake up one morning without a head!

Being Scottish is...

A two-up two-down, two point five and a dish on the roof for the soaps!

So after months of pain and misery I'm finally able to blog from the new home of Rosa, Guinness and I. It's not been an easy ride what with the Scotlands abysmal house-buying rules, the credit crunch and the seller of our flat who I will henceforth refer to as Mad Bitch but we've made it. I've already ranted about the Scottish system and I'm sure we're all aware of current worldwide financial problems but I've kept quiet about Mad Bitch just in case she stumbled across this blog before contracts were swapped and decided to do something to fuck the deal up.

We first saw the flat in early March when we were shown around by what seemed a perfectly nice lassie with a rather cute black cat and a partner who though my t-shirt was cool, clearly a man of taste. We were rather taken by it what with it's massive living room, good-sized bathroom, kitchen that two or three could cook in and a view of where we got married but decided to have a think then get back to them. In between we had a rather fantastic visit to Rosa's auld dears in Portugal and when we cam back we put in an offer which, after a small amount of haggling, was accepted so we merrily went along and arranged for a survey. Now at this point we had to decide what level of survey to go for. You get three levels to choose from; a basic valuation, a proper survey and an incredibly close look at every facet of the building by a highly qualified team of surveyors who got accused of a crime they never committed whilst serving in 'Nam, escaped from a high security stockade and now live in the Los Angeles underground. As George Peppard has cacked it we went for the second option and got some interesting results back.

Whilst the flat was basically worth what we offered there were some worries about damp coming through a couple of the walls and resulting damage to flooring so a timber specialist would have to called in for a wee nosey. Not a problem we answered, best to keep things on the up & up and find out where a'body stands likesay. Henceforth a timber specialist was called in by our people, at no extra charge which was nice, and a date for his inspection agreed, clearly this was going to be an easy straightforward deal. Little did we know.

One of the problems Rosa and I have had with buying a flat has been our availability during the working day. We both work in environments that make it difficult to contact us which made everything quite a lot harder. Poor Rosa ended up having to deal directly with the majority of what follows which was bad mainly because it was hassle she didn't need but also because I'm more of an arsehole who will just say no than she is. Anyway on the day of the inspection we our solicitors contact us to say that whilst the timber specialist was allowed access to the flat the owner had moved here suite over the area he needed to inspect and now refused to move it again to give him access. Now I know what it's like to get you living room just so and mibbee moving the suite might have fucked up her feng shui or something but surely she wanted to sell us the flat. Evidently not.

As discussions went on we discovered that Mad Bitch was moving to England with tasteful in t-shirts lad and really needed to sell her flat but she clearly wasn't that desperate. Her rather embarrassed solicitors had a wee chat with her and she agreed to have the timber specialist have a look. Of course when we start getting to the nitty gritty she starts talking about making the specialist sign forms saying he'll pay for any damage she claims is done and taking photies throughout the process which our very professional tradesman says is not going to happen of course. Finally her solicitors talk to her again and we can get our man in two weeks later. To make things perfect she's in Switzerland during this period so she can't hassle the poor bloke who still isn't getting paid for all this crap.

So finally we get the timber specialist in, he has a good look and we gt our report. Turns out that there is some urgent work needing done to our floor joists and walls and this will cost two grand plus. As this is structural stuff the value of the property also falls by that much meaning we'll have to pay the difference ourselves. We revise our offer to account for this saying that we'll give her the full amount if she pays for the work. Mad Bitch replies saying that she'll go halfies, this doesn't mean she'll pay half the work it means she wants us to give her up to £1500 just because she wants it. Much wrangling with her very embarrassed solicitors ensues and she finally agrees to the lower price so a'hing's set and we can get the mortgage together and move in!

Not quite.

During this period the credit crunch has really set in so when we apply for our perfect mortgage they say yes but offer us a sum that falls a couple of grand short of what we asked for. This isn't a major catastrophe, we just have to go to our second choice who offered us sixty grand more than we wanted, but does cost us a few days. Mad Bitches reaction is, to her solicitors extreme embarrassment, to put the flat back on the market which is irritating to say the least but since she legally has to tell everybody about the work needing done we figured we'd have breathing space.

Anyway finally the money comes through, the documents are ready and we're poised to move in and suddenly Mad Bitch says that since the flat will be worth the initial survey price once the works done can she have the full price please? She actually goes to the extent of having her solicitors contact the timber specialist and ask if he'll give a guarantee that the work would raise the value of the flat to what she wanted, apparently they came across as very very embarrassed. Given that this is the equivalent of asking for an extra twenty grand because we might build an extension in the next five years we told her poor solicitors where to go and finally the Mad Bitch relented and we became home owners.

It's been bloody horrible but sitting here with Guinness laid across the rug and watching kids play in the park where I married my daft, lolloping Kiwi it's completely worth it. It's our space and it's the kind of space we both wanted when we started this stupidity. I love it.

Parochial News Day

Parochial News is a bit different today because for the past month I've mainly been hanging out in Liberty City. It's a tough life in the old city and not always fair but you can always rely on your local bobby,

Liberty City Police Face Allegations Of Incompetence, Brutality

June 4, 2008 | Issue 44•23

LCPD officers deal with a shoplifting suspect.

LIBERTY CITY—With the city in the midst of a record crime wave, concerned citizens claim the Liberty City Police Department has done little to prevent the constant car chases, ongoing gun battles, and overall atmosphere of violence that pervade the area.

"I used to feel safe in Liberty City, but lately, it's been total mayhem," said night-shift worker Lola Del Rio, who spoke to reporters while sucking nervously on a red lollipop. "In the past week alone, I've been carjacked twice, run over 10 times, and witness to a half-dozen gunfights that ended with automobiles exploding. What are the police doing to stop all this?"

Enlarge Image

Officers respond to one of the 43,274 murders reported in the city last month.

Since the surge in crime, which began on April 28 at midnight, more than 830,000 civilians have been murdered—nearly one-tenth of Liberty City's total population. In addition, 35,000 vehicles have been reported stolen, many of which were then driven illegally over sidewalks and pedestrian walkways before plunging into the nearby Humboldt River. And according to startling figures released by local community action group Citizens for a Safer City, drug trafficking has become rampant and prostitution has increased by 800 percent.

"I was shot 14 times on my way to work today, including twice by police," said one Algonquin-area resident. "That is unacceptable."

Many blame the LCPD directly for the increase in criminal activity, citing the department's lax procedure for arresting criminals, which involves taking 10 percent of the suspect's money, confiscating his weapons, and simply releasing him from custody later that day. Outraged citizens say this is not enough, especially in a city where assault rifles can be found on factory roofs and grenade caches are located under the globe at the old World's Fair site.

"The police just let them go, and 20 minutes later they're shooting at the very same criminals from helicopters," veteran crime reporter Mike Whiteley said. "That is not proper law enforcement. We may be seeing a return to the bad old days of 2002, when the police, the FIB, and even Army tank battalions would leave countless bodies on the streets while attempting to capture just one man on some sort of joyful mass-destruction spree."

Perhaps even more alarming, city records indicate that more than 75 percent of perpetrators in mass-murder or vehicular-manslaughter cases escape, usually by simple methods such as driving into a car-repainting facility. Criminals have even eluded pursuit by walking into their apartment and going to bed for six hours, after which the search has been called off.

However, one LCPD official, who wished to remain anonymous, blamed the recent crime wave on the police department's lack of proper equipment.

"We are only equipped to pursue a suspect within a small radius on a very basic half-centimeter radar screen," the officer said. "If we were allowed to seek criminals who escaped this radius for more than 15 seconds, our results would improve dramatically."

"And to those who say the LCPD is too quick to resort to deadly force, remember that almost 850,000 police officers, FIB agents, and N.O.O.S.E. [National Office of Security Enforcement] team members have died in the line of duty in the past month," he added.

Nonetheless, residents say that their confidence in the Liberty City police force—low in the best of times—has eroded almost completely.

"I was buying a hot dog from a street vendor in Hove Beach yesterday when I saw someone run a red light, barrel down the sidewalk, careen into a garbage truck, exit his vehicle, steal a nearby convertible, and drive away," one Broker resident reported. "A nearby police car didn't even react. But when the car behind him nicked his fender, the officer shot the driver through the windshield and walked away."

"That is not the kind of law enforcement we want for our community," he added.

Most admit that the problem is not a lack of police presence, as the LCPD currently operates 15 different police stations throughout the city's four boroughs, and there is a seemingly infinite number of officers on duty at all times to respond to reported crimes. However, citizens say the officers' "shoot-first" mentality and willingness to accept bribes only contributes to the city's widespread violence and corruption.

"It's almost as if the cops in this town are as much an adversarial faction as the criminals," said public defender Kiki Jenkins, who is rumored to be instrumental in recent incidents of police being inexplicably pulled from chases and criminal pursuit. "Sure, we have excellent radio stations and an incredible range of things to see and do here. But if I were younger, I'd move to Mario World in a second."

Things I have learned whilst turning from 34-35!

Try to avoid posting at three in the morning whilst pished! Thank God I yelled abort first thing on Sunday morning.

To make up for this I present the trailer for new Brit film out on Thursday Doomsday. It's pretty much Mad Max in a proper non-colonial country. Ed'll love it!

Just because

A mate passed me a link to the new Pheonix Foundation video and I just though Ed and Marieke might like it,

In which tapdancing, existentialism & penguins collide

Why are Calvinists against sex standing up?

Because it’s dangerously close to dancing.

At the weekend Rosa and I watched Happy Feet, the heartwarming animation about a penguin who can’t sing but can tapdance. Now this seems like a pretty thin premise to base a 90 minute film on and to be frank it is. The film meanders it’s way through some rather boring singing, pointless chases and pretty dull digressions. My mate Martin said that he felt it gave him some pretty good insight into autism and I can see that. The main character Mumble has a birth defect that hinders his communication with others, apparently emperor penguins mating rituals consist of elaborate singing of popular music a la Moulin Rouge, and the film charts his progress in making others understand his condition and eventually teaching them his form of communication. Of course this means at the end all the other penguins can sing and dance which means that not only is Mumbles a cripple he’s given away the only thing that makes him special. To be fair there are some laughs from Robin Williams South American penguins, the computer animation is fantastic and I quite enjoyed the emperor penguins Calvinist leader who reminds me of the joke at the start but it’s not enough to compete against stuff like The Incredibles or Finding Nemo.

What would have improved the film immensely would have been to end it around ten minutes earlier than they did. At this point Mumbles has been captured and put into a zoo. We watch as he first loses hope and then his mind, he begins repeatedly running against the wall in a scene of mad despair. As the broken penguin bangs his head against the wall again and again the scene shifts to a view of the country, then the world and finally to the uncaring void of space. The End!

Now I understand that this may seem a bit of a depressing way to end a childrens film but this isn’t just because of the pleasure I would gain from watching hundreds of little brats greeting their wee hearts out as they leave the picture house although that’s definitely a consideration. The reason for ending it here would be not only that it makes it a better film but that it would teach the bairns early on what their life is going to be like. After taking the child to see the film I picture the loving parent explaining to them that they are that penguin and it is their head that will banging against the wall for the next seventy years. Nothing like crushing their expectations early if you ask me.

This is it, this is where I'll be

After weeks of house-hunting and a few disappointments it looks like Rosa and I may finally have managed to sort of, nearly buy a flat. The week before we headed out to Portugal to hang out with her auld dears we had a viewing of a two bedroom flat which turned out to be exactly what we wanted and last Monday they accepted our second offer of only thirteen grand more than the asking price. Of course this doesn’t mean we actually have the flat yet as a survey brought up possible problems with damp floorboards or something so we’re having to send in a timber specialist to check it out and tell us if he needs to do whatever timber specialists do or not as the case may be. Once we know if anything needs done we can offer the owners a bit less to cover it so it’s all good.

“But enough of the boring stuff what about the flat?” I hear you cry. Well that’s what my mind is telling me when in reality if anybody was ever reading this they gave up long ago and everything I’m typing is being flung into the void of cyberspace only to be stumbled upon by people of mistype their Google searches. It’s all a bit pointless really when you think about it. I mean what’s it all about? We come from nothing and we go into nothing and what do we leave? Nothing. There’s really no point in anything really although Smarties are nice. Anyway enough channelling Graham let me tell you about the flat. It’s a two bedroom ground floor flat right around the corner from the one we used to rent. If you were up for the wedding you’ll know where it is as it’s right across the road from the park we got married in. The kitchen’s a good size with plenty of room for the two of us to cook and the bathroom and bedrooms are fine but the living room is fantastic. More the 20’ long and east facing there’s plenty of room for a dining table and we’ll get the morning sun. All in all it’s a great flat that should do us for a long time and give us a decent profit if we sell so let’s hope it all works out and we can move in next month.

I've never met a nice South African!

This is of course a complete lie but growing up in the 80's we had a very particular view of the Saffy's and to be fair we mostly had a point. Meeting peeps like Marieke, her family and friends show a lot about how wrong we were in a way but this is dedicated to the young guys Ed and I had a drink with when we were out camping,

Parochial News Day!

Just on a whim I decided to look at New Zealand news today. Imagine my surprise to stumble on a story so relevant not only to myself but to some of you out there,

Cricket: NZ win first test against England by 189 runs

1:08PM Sunday March 09, 2008

Ross Taylor, Jeetan Patel and Jamie How congratulate Kyle Mills during day five.

New Zealand have won the first cricket test against England by 189 runs after the tourist's second innings disintegrated for just 110 on the final afternoon at Seddon Park here today.

Ian Bell top scored in a forlorn run chase, his unbeaten 54 one of only two double figure contributions before England were routed shortly before the tea interval.

Monty Panesar was the last wicket to fall when he was caught by Brendon McCullum off the bowling of Jacob Oram for eight.

Seamers Kyle Mills and Chris Martin wrought the havoc with spells of four for nine and three for nine respectively decimating an England innings that lasted just 55 overs.

Mills finished with four for 16 from 13 overs and Martin three for 33 from 13.

New Zealand skipper Daniel Vettori was named man of the match after innings of 88 and 35 dovetailed with a big bowling output - two for 60 off 38 overs in England's first innings.

England had been set 300 to win after Vettori declared New Zealand's second innings closed at 177 for nine seven overs into the day.

The second test of the three-match series starts at Wellington's Basin Reserve on Thursday.

- NZPA

I really don't think the NZ Herald is being entirely fair about this match. The BBC website is much more balanced in it's description of one of Englands "most ignominous defeats in recent history" as they got a "paltry 110 on a flat track" and I'm inclined to agree. Kevin Pietersens face was priceless. Add to this the English losing 15-9 to Scotland in the rugby Calcutta Cup yesterday, awful game though it was, and I'm a very happy man.

One of the things I've always liked about the Kiwis is that they are such nice people. Take rap star Che Fu for example. Whilst Snoop Dogg is getting done for guns and drugs and is banned from entering the UK, 50 Cent is showing off his bullet scars and Mike Skinner is telling stories of drug-taking and shagging pop starlets Che Fu is giving something back,

Che Fu wants recycling lyrics

East And Bays Courier | Saturday, 08 March 2008

Kiwi music star Che Fu has written a rap chorus promoting recycling and wants kids to fill in the gaps.

The renowned R’n’B artist is working with the Glass Packaging Forum to encourage young people to recycle at home, school and the community.

A competition aimed at nine to 15-year-olds asks kids and teens to turn their thoughts on recycling into lyrics to Che Fu’s music.

The winning students from the North and South islands each win $1000 for their schools and a day recording their lyrics with Che Fu in an Auckland studio.

Every school will receive a poster with details of the competition in their copy of the Education Gazette.

Students can download the beat and then "rap the gaps" with their own words.

Lyrics need to include a name for the new mobile glass crusher, say why glass recycling is important and what the crushed glass could be used for in their community.

The competition is open until April 18. Winners will be announced on World Environment Day on June 5, which will be hosted in Wellington.

Kids today! When I was young it was all about misogyny, drugs and violence, now look at them with their social awareness and care of the environment They should be hanging out on street corners drinking cheap white cider and getting off with each other. It never did me any harm.

Meanwhile the Manukau Courier shows us that there are seriously mental people everywhere you look,

Guide dogs have a giggle

Manukau Courier | Friday, 07 March 2008

Supplied

BUGGED: Guide dog puppy Emjay looks a little unsure about being dressed as a ladybird for the fancy dress competition at Manurewa fun day.

Tails, not tongues were wagging on Sunday when 29 guide dog puppies and breeding stock gathered for their annual fun day at the Guide Dog Services centre in Manurewa.

The day is a chance for volunteer puppy walkers, breeding stock guardians and guide dog boarders to get together and have a good time, says puppy development manager Paula Gemmell.

"They are really vital to the success of the guide dog programme so it’s great to give them the chance to get to know each other, chat and share their funny stories."

"It’s meant to be a fun day but it can get quite competitive out there!" she says.

The dogs competed in a range of categories from best condition to waggiest tail and even entered a fancy dress competition.

Volunteer puppy walkers socialise young puppies as part of the guide dog puppy development programme.

Their role is to introduce the puppies to situations they will encounter as guide dogs.

The Royal New Zealand Foundation of the Blind’s annual Red Puppy Appeal is from April 4 to 6 so puppy walkers, breeding stock guardians, guide dog boarders and thousands of other volunteers will be out collecting money.

The foundation needs to raise more than $1 million so it can continue to provide guide dogs to blind, deaf-blind and vision-impaired New Zealanders.

Now I'm all for a bit of fun but look at what they've done to the poor we animal! Not to be outdone the Taranaki Daily News goes one weirdo better. I like what they've done with the title btw,

Horrie in hurry hitches a ride in a Honda

JAYNE HULBERT jayne.hulbert@tnl.co.nz - Taranaki Daily News | Saturday, 08 March 2008

MARK DWYER/Taranaki Daily News

Anna Kirk and Horrie the donkey take a road trip in Anna's Honda Civic.

Donkeys are known for their use as transport, but Horrie prefers to hitch a ride in a Honda.

Anna Kirk's been known to take her favourite donkey Horrie on a road trip in the back of her three-door Honda Civic.

This week Horrie happily climbed aboard Anna's red Civic, stood up on the back seat and took in the scenery during their 40-minute jaunt in rural New Plymouth. Why? Well, why not?

Anna (21) wanted her parents to meet young Horrie and her trusty Honda proved the perfect transport.

And Anna had her reasons for the taking the loveable Horrie to the visit the folks. "I wanted mum and dad to buy him themselves really and I thought if I took him up there to show them, then, well they would love him," laughed Anna.

Unfortunately, Anna's mum and dad weren't home. She says Horrie seemed quite content in the car.

While there was a comfort stop along the way, Horrie did disgrace himself once in the car, but that hasn't put Anna off.

"Maybe I'll just take him to the beach, or my boyfriend's house ... shorter trips I think."

Horrie is one of a trio of jacks (male donkeys) being cared for at the country property where Anna boards. About a year old, Horrie and his siblings Ronald and Buddy, are living the good life on Carrington Rd.

So don't be surprised if you see Anna and Horrie hitting the highways in the Honda.

You may think that's funny but it's a health and safety nightmare that just wouldn't be acceptable here at the heart of the Empire. We have much better ways of making an ass out of ourselves.

I'll get my coat.

Home, this is where I'll be!

So once again I’ve been neglecting the old blog but it’s not just because I’ve been distracted by pubs, games and general laziness like normal. To be fair I have spent a lot of the time in the pub, playing games or lazing about but a man doesn’t live on bread alone an a’that and with the Budget only a month away it behooves me to grab a few swallys before the Chancellor puts the price of beer up. Anyway a few weeks ago Rosa and I stood back and had a look at our priorities and realising she’s not getting any younger, I’m not so sure about me, we decided to re-arrange our priorities slightly. This means delaying going to Africa in the short-term and investing our hard earned cash into something solid for the future, in other words we’ve started hunting for a flat.

Now the first steps into the property market are relatively painless. There’s the giddy excitement of looking at what’s out there followed closely by the despair of working out what you can afford with your bank which changes to slow creeping terror ass you talk to your financial advisor and find out lots of new and interesting ways to get yourself into a lifetime of debt and servitude to The Man. As I said it’s all relatively painless, maybe the equivalent of sawing your left foot off with a rusty hacksaw but you know it’ll all work out. Well either that or you’ll over-extend yourself and end up homeless and bankrupt but that’s all part of the giddy excitement of living in a capitalist society.

The actual looking for places is actually quite good fun as long as you remember that there’s no point having a wander down to the estate agents as they’re all only open between 9 and 5 Monday to Friday. Clearly they don’t actually want to have to meet any working peeps looking to buy so a casual wander around on a Saturday afternoon is a definite no-no. Thank God for t’internet through which you can browse over nearly everything available, get floorplans and pics and check out where a property is on Googlemaps. Of course you’ve still got to call the estate agents to get a viewing which means having to call from work cos they can’t be arsed being at all flexible. After this you get to wander around peoples houses trying to be nice but not give too much away about what you really think whilst they try to convince you that although they live only two streets away from Dens and Tannadice match day traffic really isn’t that bad. It’s a really weird experience. Then one day you find a flat you’re definitely interested and skip gaily home to call your FA and put in an offer. This is where the real pain begins.

Now you peeps in other parts of the world are probably nodding sagely at this as you think of the pain you went through buying property for yourself but what you felt is but a shadow of the true agony of buying in Scotland. You see in most places if somebody wants to sell their house they decide how much they want for it then advertise it at that price. The prospective buyers come along and make offers either at the price asked or a bit lower if they think the owner will sell at it. The bid is then either accepted or not, contracts are exchanged and a’body happily moves on with their lives. Of course there’s still the danger of being part of a broken chain or being gazumped but the basics are pretty straightforward and whilst not great doesn’t engender the cosmic dread that the Scottish system does.

In Scotland the seller decides how much he wants for the house, takes anything from 5 to 25 thousand pounds off that price then advertises it as offers over the new figure eg if the seller wants £105,000 he might advertise at offers over £89,000. Any prospective buyers who come along then have to guess how much the seller really wants. It’s sort of like The Price is Right only with you betting your future on the guess of the price. When viewing a flat you find yourself playing weird mindgames as you try to figure out what the owner wants and he tries to get you to offer as much as possible. All this leads to where we are now.

Last Sunday afternoon Rosa and I went to view a top floor two bedroomed flat nearwhere we live. It’s not in the absolute best area but it’s pretty big and 5 minutes from our haunts in Stoby so it’s not awful either. Anyway having a look around we agree that the flat itself is pretty stunning with great views, big rooms and great storage and a chat with the owner reveals what price he’s actually looking for. On leaving we call Barry our FA and set everything in motion to make an offer at the price the owner quoted. Within the day we get an answer that whilst the owner isn’t rejecting the offer he’s going to wait to see what else he gets then yesterday we find out that they’ve set a closing date for next Wednesday so all bids from now on will be sealed. So now this bloke is going to tell a’body what he’s offered in the hope they’ll up the bid whilst also hoping that even if he gets no other offers we’ll up ours in fear of somebody outbidding us. In pain terms this is somewhere around hacking your left bollock off with a dull spoon.

A side effect of all this, and one I was warned about, is the shockingly deep hatred I feel toward the seller for saying what he wants then holding out for more. Intellectually I know he’s just acting on good advice and I’d do exactly but that doesn’t mean I won’t hunt him down like the dog he is if I don’t get this flat. I’ve been assured that he undoubtedly hates me right back for not offering him more than he wanted so the second viewing at the weekend should be fun as we try to maintain a veneer of civilization over our mutual loathing. He seemed like such a nice guy as well.

I'm just a symptom of the moral decay that's gnawing at the heart of the country!

I have to apologise to my reader for once again not blogging for ages. I'd love to say that this was because of illness, death, madness or some terrible family tragedy but in reality I was mainly at the pub with mates or playing the Xbox. Actually those reasons aren't all that bad though it might be good to try and combine pub and Xbox time for a more efficient use of the old energy likesay.

So let's get right into what's been happening. The biggest news is that in the past week or so Rosa and I have decided to knock Africa on the head for the time being and buy a flat in Dundee instead. This is really one of those good and bad things that kinda balance out so I won't whinge. Anyway we've started the hunt for a reasonably priced two bedroomed apartment with a fabulous view and decent neighbours and have high hopes of fulfilling at least one of those criteria before handing over the wedge. Serendipitously house prices fell throughout the whole of Scotland this week, apart from Dundee where they went up a bit.

In other news despite a bit of a scare my Dads recovery continues, Boris the Xbox 360 died and had to go to the Microsoft necromancers to be resurrected and I took advantage of Rosa' Christmas present to visit my gentlemens club in Edinburgh. Everybody should have a gentlemens club.

There's much more to say, including loads of parochial news, but I'll do that when I can be arsed.

New music of 2007

Just cos this came up in a forum I managed to list most of the stuff I picked up last year and what I thought about it. It was a good year for music but not as good as this years going to be likesay.

The View - Hats Off To The Buskers: I'd been waiting for a year for this recordand whilst very good it would have been better if released earlier. Still a great Dundee band and I have high hopes that The Law will secure the cities musical upturn.

The Rakes - Ten New Messages: Not a bad album but very inconsistent.

Biffy Clyro - Puzzle: Really uncool and they don't care. Likeable enough to have lasted a while on the old MP3 player.

Beastie Boys - The Mix Up: Good jazz-funk instrumentals though definitely a mood thing for me.

Arctic Monkeys - Fave Worst Nightmare: Not as impressive as their debut but still fantastic.

The Aliens - Astronomy For Dogs: Although not as good as The Beta Band and perhaps their eclecticism lets them down a bit still an awfy good album made even more impressive if you're aware that people from Fife are born without opposable thumbs. It was fun dancing to The Happy Song at my wedding as well.

Bloc Party - A Weekend In The City: Top indie miserabilists produce a fun album. Went through a bit of a London kick earlier in the year when all I was listening to was them, The Rakes, Lady Sov, Dizze Rascal and the likes. Speaking of which,

Dizzee Rascal - Maths + English: Dizzee really came into his own with this album showing a new maturity and kinda reminding me of Ludacris's last effort for some reason. Lily Allen also entertains on one song, she always seems better on other peeps stuff for some reason.

Jamie T - Panic Prevention: My favourite album of the year sound sort of like The Streets meets The Clash which can only be a good thing. I'm really looking forward to hearing more stuff from the young lad.

Dinosaur Jr - Beyond: This is a weird one because it's Dinosaur Jr which makes it greeat and I loved it but I was mibbee expecting something new from them which isn't here.

The Foo Fighters - Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace: Exactly the same feelings about this as about Dinosaur Jr's new one.

Black Francis - Bluefinger: Once again see my comments on Dinosaur Jr's album. Is a pattern starting to take shape here?

Gorillaz - D-Sides: There's a lot here and I'm still trying to get my head around it. Mostly good though.

The Good, The Bad and The Queen: Awfy good album.

Kings of Leon - Because of the Times: White boys with guitars do what they do best. I love this.

New Young Pony Club - Fantastic Playroom: A fantastic retro 80's sound, smart lyrics and a secy female singer.

Mark Ronson - Version: Very very contrived which both works for and against the album.

Queens of the Stone Age - Era Vulgaris: More white boys with guitars and you gotta love them.

The Arcade Fire - Neon Bible: I absolutely adore this album with its clear nods to Talking Heads and reflective lyrics.

The White Stripes - Icky Thump: I enjoyed it well enough but couldn't really get into it. Peeps who put bagpipes into rock or pop should be killed painfully.

Thurston Moore - Trees Outside the Academy: This is still in my MP3 player so I must love it. Sounds a bit country at some points.

Wu-Tang Clan - 8 Diagrams: Not long had this and I'm enjoying it though I can see why some may not like their new direction. If this is the make or break album for them it's difficult to say how they'll do as it may alienate some of their audience. I still like it.

This didn't include loads of old stuff I picked up or the hiphop I bought Rosa cos nothing says you love somebody like 45 minutes of misogynistic rap.

New Years Parochial Letters Day

If anybody actually reads this shite sorry for not blogging for a couple of months but Rosa and I got caught up in the whole moving house rubbish and then had to have a second honeymoon as the romance was going out of the whole marriage type thing. Anyway I'll be catching up on all that but what you've really missed is the missives to my local newspapers so,

Sick to back teeth of bleating

I am sick to the back teeth of bleating pensioners, policemen, firemen and nurses constantly complaining about their lot. Pensioners have never had it so good with heating allowances (even if working), free travel (somebody has to pay for it) and woman OAPs receiving their state pension from 60 while my generation must slog on until we are 68. The definition of fixed income is when your income does not increase. This does not happen with the state pension even though this is a pensioner mythical complaint. Nurses, firemen and police wages are well over the national average and very considerably above the local average. What they conveniently ignore is the taxpayer-funded, index-linked pension schemes they receive are paid while they are still relatively young and fit enough to enjoy them. And the benefits they receive cost far more than 6% to 12% employee contributions. Bitter? A wee bit, but I have every reason to be. — Honest Harry.

One of the things that make me proud to be a Dundonian is that we have always been at the heart of the socialist movement from marching for workers rights in the 19th century to having the first female shop steward in the 20th. We've always been a fairminded lot who believed in supporting our elderly and adequately compensating the peeps that work in our essential services. Given all this I'd like to thank Harry for showing that there are massive arseholes everywhere.

Mince and pudding

As a 50-year-old who has lived in Dundee all my life, I have never heard of a tradition of white pudding and mince. — I. B.

As a 34-year-old who has lived in Dundee all my life I have never heard of a tradition of covering yourself in treacle and jumping into a cattery but I've never felt the need to write to my local paper about it. What great conversations must go on in the B household.

Customer hope

MY HUSBAND and I are regular customers at Jimmy Chung’s, Dundee, and continued to visit during unfounded rumours regarding seagulls. The quality of food and excellent service has been maintained and I hope customers return. — Chris Treanor, Dundee.

I'm pretty sure I mentioned this issue months back. What fascinates me about these clearly rubbish rumours is that they've eschewed the more traditional cat in curry stories. Either way it's nice to see such warmth directed to the Chinese residents of our fair city. OTOH I wouldn't eat in Jimmy Chung's all you can eat buffet if you paid me.

Festive lights warning

I RESPOND to your reader, who was heartened by the display of Christmas lights on a Dundee house. Although this may provide a moment’s satisfaction, the harm to the environment is increasing. The extra use of power will be detrimental to the world in future years. Let’s all have a green Christmas. — Environmentally Conscious.

Just a reminder that your Christmas celebrations are badwrongfun so take down your tacky crap!

And finally you'll be aware that what to do with criminals has been a hotly contested question in the City of Discovery over the last year. I'll leave the last word to Alf,

Hard labour

I was talking to a young man who was unfortunately imprisoned for a few weeks on a minor offence. He whiled away most of his day glued to the television. He revealed that before this he had never watched Joe Pasquale or Noel Edmonds. I thought hard labour had been abolished. — Alf Carlin, Shepherds Loan, Dundee.