Parochial letters day

Conspiracy theories have been a big thing for a long while what with JFK, Roswell and Princess Di all having been talked about at length but none of this prepared me for the shocking revelations about Post Office closures brought up in yesterdays Tele,

Is Brussels behind closures?

I HAVE been reading about the hundreds of sub post offices in our cities, towns and rural areas under threat because the Government wants to save money by cutting the subsidy.

I know the EU are not keen on this type of subsidy.

Is their unseen hand behind this retrograde step? — Countryman.

Now he points it out I can't believe that those damned Frenchies are out to destroy the great British Post Office the bastards! In the spirit of Woodward and that other bloke from All The Presidents Men the Tele put their finest reporters on the case and came back with this answer,

A spokesman for the DTI said, “The closures of post offices is not a result of EU pressure.

“The Government is continuing an annual subsidy of around £150 million a year until at least 2011 to help safeguard a national network.

“Despite this continuing money, some offices have to close because people are using the post office less — around four million people a week fewer than two years ago. More and more people are choosing to have their benefits paid into bank accounts, use phone banking, direct debit or on-line services.”

I'm not convinced by this use of logic and common sense surely it was the space aliens. But it's not only the EU that's out to get us as Tom points out in a letter to The Courier,

Now there are no kilts!

Sir,—I heard recently on the radio that the Government does not have enough kilts to supply all of the Highland regiments at this time? Is this yet another ploy to “stick the knife” into them, by trying to get rid of tartan now?

Tom Handy.
11 Cameron Place,
Crieff.

Or mibbee they just never ordered enough kilts Tom eh? They're a right funny lot up in Crieff.

And I hadn't heard this rumour about an all you can eat Chinese restauraunt in the city centre,

Customer hope

MY HUSBAND and I are regular customers at Jimmy Chung’s, Dundee, and continued to visit during unfounded rumours regarding seagulls. The quality of food and excellent service has been maintained and I hope customers return. — Chris Treanor, Dundee.

Now granted the food there is clarty but come on.

Christmas Havers

It's four sleeps til Christmas and it seems that we're nearly completely sorted. All the presents have been bought, the turkey's on order from the butchers and we've got Muppets DVD's to watch on the day instead of the Queens speech which I as a Scotsman don't have to watch but I'm sure all you wee colonials out there make sure you tune into it. It feels good to be organised especially when we dived into Tesco's earlier this evening and were stunned at the rammy inside. The supermarkets only shut for a day but peeps seem to act as if the Apocalypse has come and by Sunday it's going to every man for himself in the drinks aisle and murder in the High Street. I think we'll go to the pictures which should be blissfully empty.

As happens every year the debate over the commercialisation of Christmas has come up again and all sorts of peeps have been bemoaning the fact that many young children don't think of the Babby Jesus when they think of Christmas and that this makes the Babby Jesus cry. Whilst this is an understandable worry for those of Christian beliefs it fails to admit that we live in a pretty much secular society and Christmas is not a religious festival for the majority of the people in this society. It has become a generalised midwinter festival that helps us get through the darkest days of the season just as midwinter festivals are supposed to. It's 5 months out on the birth of the Babby Jesus anyway. As to the horrendous amount we spend on it if people want a big blow-out once a year I have no problem with it and sometimes it's good to spoil the kids and I want a pony anyway so there!

The other side of the commercialism in the UK came up this year with the Farepack scandal in which a British hamper savings company went under losing a lot of pretty sodding poor people all their Christmas money ruining their Christmas. This has also highlighted that these hamper companies are con merchants preying on the poorest in our society.

On the brighter side IrnBru have put out their first ever Christmas advert and it's bloody brilliant.

Drunken blogging...

Is what this is so I'm going to keep things in the general area likesay. Let us start with the vital info,

Motherwell 2-3 Dundee United

We're 8th in the League and there's still a chance they might end up in the top 6 in time for the split. Our mate Graham's coming up in Febuary so we might drag him along for for a peh at the game an a'that.

I watch in awe at the mess that the English have made of the Ashes.

I will be talking about the music I've seen and picked up this year before Hogmanny probably as part of a round-up of the year but mibbe not. Either way it's been a good year musicwise for me and the Kiwigirl. If you check the link to Grahams blog he's been talking a lot about musice recently although he really needs to calm down a notch and realise it's supposed to be fun! If it's not fun why bother?

Rosa's still wonderful. She's having such a hard time with stuff that's happened recently but her first thought is always to a'bdy else. I just wish I could fix it.

Anyway just a badly typed check in. I might never get around to talking about the whole Dundee Christmas tree scandal after all but you never know.

Dundee United 3-1 Inverness Caledonian Thistle

Tannadice Terrors are my favourite team,
Saturday afternoon at 3,
They can turn it on and win by a mile,
They're the Premier team with class and style,
When the forwards score a goal, this is what the Shed Boys roar...

(Chorus)

It's United,
They're my own team,
It's United Black & Tangerine,
It's United - you've got to be,
D-U-F-C...

Europe's next where we are gonna go,
I just can't wait to see those golden goals,
United's magic there's no mistake,
And the manager's got just what it takes,
When the forwards score a goal, this is what the Shed Boys roar...

Chorus x2

And if you lose your way to Tannadice next week
Just walk towards the sound of EASY! EASY!

In the town where I was born,
Lived a man called Jerry Kerr,
And he told me of his life,
As United's manager,

We all live in a tangerine machine,
A tangerine machine,
A tangerine machine,
We all live in a tangerine machine,
A tangerine machine,
A tangerine machine..

United, Dundee United,
I can't help falling in love with you,
United, Dundee United,
I can't help falling in love with you...

And what sport is Scotland the greatest at?

Weirdly enough we are the best at elephant polo. Screw you World we totally rule!

Hibernian 2-1 Dundee United

I'm not going to get down about an away loss to Hibs who are an okay team. I've also become aware that some of you only come here to check out the United score you sad gits.

In other news todays is Rosa's birthday and I'm feeling rotten after taking her out for Thai food and far too many cocktails last night on her Birthday Eve celebrations. Suffice to say last night ended with me saying the living room floor was really comfortable and I could see no advantage in getting up to go to bed.

Who are we and other random shite.

I'm making no more comment on certain things apart from my last post. Just not my place.

I've been thinking about online personas recently and I don't quite get it. Yeah my mates and I have posed as Jewish Mexican Gay Sex Addicts on XBoxlive to wind up Merkin Nazi Youth but it's been a one night thing fuelled by copious drink and a need to piss off idiots so it doesn't count. What I'm talking about is people who creat an internet persona and then sustain it for months or years. What is the fucking point? Sorry this is just another way of communicating and putting more noise in front of the signal is just plain weird, just accept that you're a fat 28yr old virgin and not a hardarse streetfighter and you might find that shit might go better for you. I just find the whole thing weird and it gets weirder when peeps tell me I'm just as annoying in RL as I am on the intraweb, it's not an act folks I am this much of a prat.

Still thinking about South Africa and astounded at how much walking over Table Mountain means to me. You see when you go to another country it's the small differences that get you like you know in France they don't call a Quarter Pounder a Quarter Pounder the call it a Royale with cheese? I'm still stunned.

This weeks new toy is LoveFilm.com which is a DVD rental service that provides up to 3 DVD's at a time for 16 squid a month and in the first few days it's sodding great. Last night we watched The Blues Brothers to distract us from nonsense in our lives and it was wonderful, tonight it was The Big Lebowski and we've got a Mexican film for Sunday with more stuff coming early next week. I love this. We can get the whole of Seinfield also.

I'm still suffering from existential angst but I can't be arsed getting The Cure, Albert Camus, a random arab and myself to all gather on an Algerian beach so I can kill the arab so I remain cheerful.

Please hug the person you love.

Kindness is timeless

Please remember it only takes a moment to show someone you care.

Dundee United 1-0 St Mirren

Thank God for that.

Parochial letters day

Apart from whingeing about my ears I feel that I've been neglecting my blog so there may be a few posts today after I've had a look at the Tele's letters page for the past couple of weeks especially since there's a massive Christmas tree debate that really needs it's own space. But first lets start with a look at crime and punishment,

Build a jail in every county

WE must simplify sentencing murderers, rapists, paedophiles and drug traffickers. They should never be released from prison. To cope with this we should build a jail in every county. This would give a boost to local suppliers and small businesses. — Mr Sensible.

For a moment I hoped that this was actually 80's punkster Captain Sensible but then I realised that the Cap was actually fairly bright so it isn't him. I liked the idea that prisons are actually good for the economy too. Now I'm no Adam Smith but even I know that keeping peeps locked up costs a fortune. That's okay because our next writer realises this and has a solution,

Outer Mongolia

WE KNOW convicts are released from prison long before they have served their full sentences. Some are committing crimes within days of being released. The reason they are being put back on the streets is because it is expensive to incarcerate them. That being so, shouldn’t we find somewhere to put them where the cost wouldn’t be so great? Many years ago we sent convicts to Australia. Today, I believe we should send them to Outer Mongolia. — Pageboy.

I wonder how the Outer Mongolians would feel about that. But enough of the sublime let's try the ridiculous,

No surrender

AS AN Englishman happily ensconced in Dundee, I would like to know what would then become of the British passport if Scotland became independent, as I have no intention of surrendering mine. — Matt Spence, Perth Road, Dundee.

Just keep taking the pills mate although I do like your use of the word ensconced it makes you look like you might have half a brain. Of course it would take a real pedant to actually answer this nonsense,

Passports

I AM a history teacher with a keen interest in Scotland’s past and future, so I can shed light on Matt Spence’s query about passports and nationality. The British state is rooted in the 1707 Treaty of Union and if Scotland ever becomes an independent state again, the Treaty of Union would have to be revoked. This would result in the end of the British state as we know it; so Mr Spence’s British passport would almost certainly become invalid. He would either have the choice of taking out Scottish citizenship, with a Scottish passport, or return to England, where he could apply for English citizenship and an English passport. — History Teacher.

You can always rely on a history teacher to go to great lengths to state the bloody obvious. The subject of crime comes back again as somebody comes up with the perfect solution,

Hard labour

BEING SENT to prison is a punishment for being found guilty of wrong-doing. However, it would appear being sent to prison is not a deterrent for recidivists, and seems like a cushy number, what with leisure facilities, access to televisions, gymnasiums, etc. Prisoners should be rationed to bread and water, and made to undertake hard labour. Their time in prison should be as harsh as possible. This may deter them from re-offending and costing the taxpayer more money. — Jack Michaelson, Dundee.

I was just thinking of getting caught shoplifting or something so I can get a free holiday at one of these fantastic prisons especially since they finally got rid of slopping out.

And I'd like to end this with good news for all the English peeps ensconced in Dundee,

Right to residency

IT IS the SNP’s policy that, if someone resident of Scotland when we become independent chooses not to take up Scottish citizenship, then he or she will continue to enjoy an unaffected right to residency. So the reply to Matt Spence’s question is that nothing will change for him. — Stewart Hunter, Dundee West SNP.

I know I breathed a sigh of relief at that one.

I know you've been wondering what G looks like...

And this is me in all my glory looking cool in the back of a bakkie in South Africa. Handsome and suave looking devil aren't I? I'm currently sorting out my photies from the trip so more to come.

Acoustic shock

This is me from a forum I'm on,

I'm a call centre monkey which means that I sit with a headset on all day listening to peeps shout at you. Very occasionally this can lead to acoustic shock which is not a nice thing.

Late this afternoon there was something like electronic feedback straight into my right ear. I felt sick straight away as it fucked up my inner ear and I've not been right since. My head is just totally fucked in that I'm completely tense and paranoid, I've not got tinnitus but every background sound is a major irritation and I'm still feeling vaguely ill. I've had this once or twice before and it's really sodding horrible but it's even worse because the hobbitgirl hasn't seen me like this and it's not nice.

Sorry just ranting a bit. I'll feel better tomorrow.

That was a few hours ago and I'm feeling a bit better only because I've got my headphones on which cuts out the extraneous sounds that are winding me up rotten. Rosa was a bit worried because I'm so sodding tense but what can you do?

Dunfermline 2-1 Dundee United

Of course United were 1-0 ahead through most of the game and an equalizer is acceptable but they handed the game away in the 89th minute the idiots. It's good that we beat Rangers but do we have to bounce back to shiteness by being drubbed by fucking Dunfermline?

In other news I'm still not sure what to say about South Africa. It's a nation of weird contradictions with extreme poverty living next to mad riches, really friendly and kind peeps with horrible acts of crime and stupendous countryside with intense cities. I love it to bits but don't know how to describe it.

I am really proud of myself for hauling my fat arse over Table Mountain whilst the tablecloth was down though.

Rosa's brother Ed is a cool bloke and his wife Marieke is really lovely. They did well putting up with me and I can't wait to have them up for the wedding. One of my high points was watching Rosa and Ed dancing on a late drunken night. Broke your heart so it did.

Coming back to the cold north was crap but having my cat Guinness waiting for us made it worthwhile. Our catsitter had spoiled the wee git rotten though, she thinks it's fine to jump on the coffee table.

This turned out a bit messy but my heads still fucked from trying to work out what South Africa's about. I'm away to watch Torchwood now.

Parochial News Day!

As some of you may be aware I've been in South Africa for the past fortnight which has changed what parochial news I've been subjected to. Therefore today I'd like to welcome our guest publication The Citizen.

South Africa's been having quite a few political scandals recently and crime is a very big issue but todays paper had a story concerning an issue that I know is important to all Saffies.

Beer unaffected by gas shortage

JOHANNESBURG – Beer will flow as usual over the festive season while the supply of certain fizzy soft drinks could be affected by a carbon dioxide shortage.

SA Breweries spokesman Michael Farr said on Monday that the country’s seven breweries were self reliant when it came to supplies of the crucial gas.

“Therefore beer production is normal and is not affected,” he said.

The shortages, expected this month and next month, were because of demand exceeding full production, “as it always does in the December period,” said Farr.

South Africa faced the shortages due to production problems experienced by the major CO2 supplier.

Production was being focused on core brands -- Coca-Cola, Fanta and Sprite -- and to ensure some sizes were available.

Less popular drinks -- such as Fanta Pine, Fanta Grape, Sprite Zero and TAB -- could be in short supply, Farr said. – Sapa.

They said that things could get bad down there but that's sailing a little close to the wind in my opinion.

Not to say that The Citizen is only concerned with local problems. A link on the front pageleads us to this story,

Scottish island robbed of its innocence

LONDON – A tiny Scottish island where residents routinely leave their houses and cars unlocked has suffered its first burglary in living memory after a visiting workman stole 60 pounds (89 euros or 115 dollars).

The culprit, who was later caught, was fined 400 pounds and ordered to pay compensation to his victim, after snatching the cash on Colonsay, off the west coast, where there has been no crime at all since 2004.

The Hebridean isle -- where locks are reportedly rusted through lack of use -- is home to only 125 people and is seen as one of Britain’s safest places.

Friday’s Daily Telegraph reported that the island’s part-time policeman Don McLeod swooped on thief James Harvey, 38, from Glasgow, who was stranded on Colonsay for several days while he waited for a ferry back to the mainland.

Harvey’s victim, “Wee” (little) Davie Sutherland, 75, was quoted as saying: “I suppose it was only 60 pounds but it just doesn’t happen here.

“I don’t even have a lock on my house, so that tells you what you need to know about the island.”

The last crime on Colonsay involved the theft of several cars which were driven around the island then dumped. – Sapa-AFP.

Okay so they don't have any crime on Teuchter Island but I still can't get very excited at this one though I do like that the one flaw in the master criminals plan was that there's only one ferry a week. It's the details that get you.

And this one is just so Jo'burg,

Lucky escape as floor sinks into shaft

By Durelle Kariem

JOHANNESBURG – Two men narrowly escaped death when the floor of their shack sank down a mine shaft at the Angelo informal settlement yesterday morning.

Ekurhuleni emergency services spokesman Johan van den Heever said the floor of the shack fell down what used to be an old mine shaft.

“The incident happened after a water pipe along the mining belt became corroded.

“Due to the water pipe leaking and the heavy rain we had on Sunday night, the ground became unstable,” Van den Heever said.

The men were unharmed and left the shack after they realised that the floor had collapsed.

Ekurhuleni Housing spokesman Fanie Mare said the next step would be to relocate the residents to safer land.

The land belonged to one of the mines and not the municipality.

“We are still in the process of discussing permission to move the residents”, Mare said.

It is believed the mine manager will have to assist the housing department to find a safer area of land.

Jo'burg is so hardcore even the subsidence is out to get you.

I'd just like to finish by thanking Graham for the Dundee United update and to note that we won again against Kilmarnock at the weekend so things are looking up. I was able to get the SPL scores in South Africa but not from The Citizen which is why this article confused me.

Pressley omission stuns Hearts fans

EDINBURGH (AFP)

Romania's Ioan Ganea (L) vies for the ball with Scotland's Steven Pressley during an international friendly in March 2004. A troubled season for Hearts has taken another sharp turn for the worse with the future of Pressley in doubt following his omission from the side that drew 1-1 away to Falkirk on November 13.

A troubled season for Hearts has taken another sharp turn for the worse with the future of influential skipper Steven Pressley in doubt following his omission from the side that drew 1-1 away to Falkirk on Monday.

The Scotland international centre-half has been a mainstay of the side over the last few years and captained them to Scottish Cup success last year as well as second place in the Premier division.

But his recent outspoken comments detailing "significant unrest" in the Tynecastle dressing room following statements from club majority shareholder Vladimir Romanov and frequent managerial changes appear to have cost him his place in the starting line-up.

There were also unconfirmed rumours that Pressley had been stripped of the captaincy which could provoke furore among Hearts' fans among whom he is hugely popular.

Mired in a run of poor results that have cost them second place in the league, two other stalwarts - Paul Hartley and Robbie Nelson - were also benched for the game at Falkirk.

Highly-rated goalkeeper Craig Gordon was the only Hearts player to comment on Pressley's demotion.

"It is hard. After the team meeting, I had to go away and compose myself and put myself in the frame of mind that I was going out to do a job," the Scotland international said.

"We have got a couple of thousand Hearts fans coming to cheer us on. I gave everything I had."

Gordon revealed Pressley had urged his team-mates to secure a win.

"I spoke to him on a few occasions, and he wanted the boys to go out there and get a result. He was 100 percent behind the players."

Christophe Berra led the team out at Falkirk, but Gordon maintains Pressley is irreplaceable.

"He is the captain and has been for a number of years," he said.

"I don't see anybody in that dressing room capable of replacing the big character and big leader that he is."

Asked if all the players are behind Pressley, Gordon said: "You would have to ask everybody individually. I would hope the vast majority if not every player would back him.

"He always battles our corner and has the players' interests at the forefront of his mind."

The managerial merry-go-round at Tynecastle looks set to continue with the emergence of another Lithuanian coach in the shape of Eugenijus Riabovas.

At Falkirk the coaching duties were carried out by Eduard Malofeev himself stepping in for Valdas Ivanauskas, the Lithuanian who was in charge at the start of the year but who has taken time off to recover from illness.

I couldn't find the United score in the paper for two weeks and then suddenly we're given an indepth article on Heart of Midlothian and their game against Falkirk. Just goes to show.

Falkirk 5-1 Dundee United

I've been an Arab all my life, I've ballboyed for them in European competition, watched them stuff Benfica and Barcelona and stopped going to Scottish Cup finals just in time for them to win.

Nothing has prepared me for this.

5-1 from fucking Falkirk!

Fucking Falkirk!

Rosa and I watched the highlights in the pub and United were practically scoring the goals for fucking Falkirk! The only bright light was Colin Samuels goal, go you Trinidad & Tobago boys, but this is easily the worst United side I've seen in my life and take my word for it it's been a bad decade or so!

The worst poet ever recounts Dundee's worst disaster...

And one of Britains worst ever railway disasters. If you ever visit I'll show you the stumps of the bridge. But now a worse tragedy...

The Tay Bridge Disaster

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay!
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That ninety lives have been taken away
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

'Twas about seven o'clock at night,
And the wind it blew with all its might,
And the rain came pouring down,
And the dark clouds seem'd to frown,
And the Demon of the air seem'd to say-
"I'll blow down the Bridge of Tay."

When the train left Edinburgh
The passengers' hearts were light and felt no sorrow,
But Boreas blew a terrific gale,
Which made their hearts for to quail,
And many of the passengers with fear did say-
"I hope God will send us safe across the Bridge of Tay."

But when the train came near to Wormit Bay,
Boreas he did loud and angry bray,
And shook the central girders of the Bridge of Tay
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

So the train sped on with all its might,
And Bonnie Dundee soon hove in sight,
And the passengers' hearts felt light,
Thinking they would enjoy themselves on the New Year,
With their friends at home they lov'd most dear,
And wish them all a happy New Year.

So the train mov'd slowly along the Bridge of Tay,
Until it was about midway,
Then the central girders with a crash gave way,
And down went the train and passengers into the Tay!
The Storm Fiend did loudly bray,
Because ninety lives had been taken away,
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

As soon as the catastrophe came to be known
The alarm from mouth to mouth was blown,
And the cry rang out all o'er the town,
Good Heavens! the Tay Bridge is blown down,
And a passenger train from Edinburgh,
Which fill'd all the peoples hearts with sorrow,
And made them for to turn pale,
Because none of the passengers were sav'd to tell the tale
How the disaster happen'd on the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

It must have been an awful sight,
To witness in the dusky moonlight,
While the Storm Fiend did laugh, and angry did bray,
Along the Railway Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay,
Oh! ill-fated Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay,
I must now conclude my lay
By telling the world fearlessly without the least dismay,
That your central girders would not have given way,
At least many sensible men do say,
Had they been supported on each side with buttresses,
At least many sensible men confesses,
For the stronger we our houses do build,
The less chance we have of being killed.

That was by the worst poet ever to walk the earth William McGonagall.

All those wee nagging worries...

Are mostly sorted nae hass likesay. I got up early and dived down the bank to sort out stuff cashwise for going to South Africa next week, Rosa's called our mate Jenny to mind Guinness and a sudden brief panic about visas was easily cleared.

I did mention we're going to South Africa to see Rosa's brother and sister-in-law next week didn't I? No? Okay then...

Rosa and I are heading off to South Africa on Monday to visit her brother Ed and his wife Marieke.

Happy?

Anyway most of my nagging worries have gone leaving me but a few.

1. Ed and I might really hate each other resulting in an awkward holiday and years of forced politeness on holidays until our simmering rage explodes over Christmas dinner leaving any children present mentally scarred for life.

This is pretty unlikely as I'm pretty loveable, in a manly way of course, Rosa will break my fingers if I even look like I'm about to be horrible and Ed seems a nice guy.

2. Work worries.

Yeah right I'm going on holiday!

3. I called to book a venue for our wedding reception but it was already booked.

A bit of a worry but we'll find somewhere I'm sure or we could always just grab a pint and a packet of crisps.

4. Baxters Park won't be finished in time for the wedding.

Strangely enough that wasn't a worry until it somehow got into my head today.

5. Existential angst. Y'know if God doesn't exist is there any meaning to life and are any of our moral choices of any consequence and stuff like that.

That one still get's me at three in the morning but then I remember to stop being a pretentious prat.

Parochial news day

Actually this is quite important news about the venue of my upcoming marriage,

Baxter Park revamp in final phase

The final phase of a £3.5 million revamp of Dundee’s Baxter Park has been given the go ahead by the city council (writes Brian Allison, local government reporter).

A long-running restoration project, mainly funded through the Heritage Lottery, has been taking place to return the park to its original Victorian splendour. Among the major elements of the project are refurbishment of the pavilion, a new park ranger centre on the site of the former bandstand, construction of an adventure play area and restoration of the park’s ornate gates and railings. Terrace improvements and landscape works costing over £650,000 will complete the project. Contracts for the work have been awarded to T&N Gilmartin. One of the contracts involves civil engineering works at the terrace and includes drainage, footpaths, resurfacing and lighting. The second contract comprises landscaping works on the railings, installation of street furniture and signage. Leisure and communities director Stewart Murdoch said, in a report, “The resurfacing of the terrace and footpaths in a bound gravel surface is to recreate an historic appearance and complement the newly refurbished main pavilion. Lighting will be installed around the main pavilion, along the terrace and between the Park Centre and the main pavilion.” In total, the cost of the Baxter Park restoration is in excess of £3.5 million. Heritage Lottery funding of £2.839 million has been obtained along with £275,000 from Historic Scotland. The council’s leisure and communities department has contributed more than £430,000 to the project from its capital budget.

Aberdeen 3-1 Dundee United

This is getting beyond a sodding joke. If this keeps up they'll be relegated and deserve it.

That and Rosa being away again, Manchester this time, is probably why I'm feeling a bit down today, probably not helped by the fact that I've been hiding in the house playing XBox and mucking about with music all weekend instead of going out there and doing stuff. On the upside I finally got of my fat arse, I'm still not enjoying the fat thing, and did some tidying up so Rosa won't think I'm a completely lazy git when she gets back and whilst I was hoovering I remembered that the poem I've been looking for wasn't actually by Phillip Larkin at all but by Michael Ivens.

FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL
by Michael Ivens

First day at school
the large boy
kindly
hurled my ball
with amazing skill
high over the roof

soaring out of sight
out of my prosaic life

Unstintingly
I gave him
my admiration
As others have done
when their respect
money
virginity
honour hope and lives
have been hurled
triumphantly out of sight.

Okay perhaps not the cheeriest poem in the world but I like it. I'm off for a swim.

The poetry corner

For various reasons including putting off doing the hoovering I've found myself obsessively trying to hunt down a poem about schooldays that I think was written by Phillip Larkin. Haven't found it yet but I did come across another one of his I've not read in years.

This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.

It's probably his best known for very good reasons.

Have I mentioned my cousin...

David Gourlay is currently recording his first album?

Well he is. It's not really my kind of stuff but he is a really good singer and I figure quite a lot of you will like him.

Don't you ever wonder how the hell does Stevie Wonder see things?

I know you've all been desperately waiting for me to talk about music so you can find out what you're allowed to like and dislike so if we are all seated comfortably I shall let you know what I'm listening to at the moment.

I first came across Hot Chip at the BBC Big Weekend earlier this year and they blew me away with their savvy lyrics, kicking tunes and geekstyle. My mate Graham says they sound like a load of geeks who've just found out that those buttons on the synth make funny noises and want to play, this is not a bad thing in my view.

Brian Eno is a god. The godfather of ambient, a fantastic producer and a top artist. My Life in the Bush of Ghosts with David Byrne is a must buy if you even pretend to like music.

You already love Talking Heads of course so nuff said.

Damian Marley dispenses his own brand of hiphop reggae that concerns itself with todays Jamaica. He only really falls down when he tries to use his dads stuff strangely enough.

Takako Minewaka is my current fave Japanese artist with a really good electronic sound.

And if you want some great Scottish musioc check out Teenage Fanclub, Primal Scream and for all you hip kids who like being into the next big thing Dundee's very own The View.

I hate Phil Collins with a passion.

Dundee United 1-4 Celtic

Fuckfuckfuckittyfuckfuckfucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not a happy bunny!

On the upside my good mate supports Oxford United and they won today which keeps them in place on top of stupid daft league.

Rosa bought me walking boots today. I'm a little concerned that this means I've got to walk through the sodding hills of Scotland.

Hot Chip are fabulous.

Just some random stuff

Finally got around to sorting out my training program at the gym tonight and it's awfy awfy sair. Looks like I'll just have to keep pushing it until I get addicted to the old endorphins and can't stop. On the upside I'm up to a kilometre in my half-hour swim.

Sorted out a priest-type bloke for the wedding. Rev Bob said it's not a problem to turn up at 2pm on the 18th August 2007. We're diving down on Tuesday evening for a chat.

Watched XMen 3 at the weekend at it was really really bad especially considering the first two were pretty good. Also watched Brick which is a sort of high school film noir and is really really good with about 1/30 of the budget of XCrap.

I had to visit my Auntie Isobel last week because she was about to die at any moment and you know how you've got to turn up and look concerned in case they've got hidden millions. Well I found out tonight that she's apparently getting better from the whole death thing. Well she's had her visit and you only get one, next time I'm sending a card.

Since the whole Tele letters thing I've started noticing the Baby on Board sticky things more and more and they are really annoying. So far we've seen,

Babe on Board - It was in pink and to be absolutely frank the lassie driving the car wasn't really a babe. Now if it had said Minger on Board I might have nodded.

Small Person on Board - I imagine this get's used a lot when Snow Whites on at panto or there's a dwarf-throwing event going on.

Born to Shop - Fuck off!

Grandchild on Board - Well this one really depends on whose grandchild we're talking about since everybodies somebodies grandkid including the driver.

!Caution New Driver - This really irritates me because the traditional sign for a new driver in the UK is a green and white L-Plate instead of a white and red one. In other words this is a new poserish driver who needs his car taken off him.

I'm away to write into The Tele.

So I got new jeans yesterday

And I got them from the coolest shop in Dundee which makes me feel like Grandad G when I'm in it. Not that this was helped by Rosa shouting out in the middle of skater snowboardy hiphoptastic cooldaddy shop " These shorts are great cos they come with a sewing kit!".

Anyway I got cool hiphop jeans that turn into shorts so not only will I be cool in a pimp daddy stylee when I'm in South Africa my calves will be cool once I take the bottom of them off. OTOH this is the first pair of hiphop jeans I've ever bought and I can't get over the message that came with them,

Five Pointz represents the five elements of hip hop: DJ, BBoy, Graffiti, MC and Knowledge. The clothing will express each point through the design techniques having unique surprises. Each point comes together to help us all remember the true roots of hip hop culture. The turtle is the longevity and the life of hip hop culture.

Frankly I have no idea what they're talking about and just got laughed at by Rosa when I asked what a BBoy was but mibbee you folks who are more down with the scene know more. If you're wondering about the turtle reference at the end so am I as there is no turtle motif at all on the jeans.

WAHEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scotland 1-0 France

I've got loads to talk about but it's all got to go behind...

Scotland 1-0 France

It's so sweet let's try it again...

Scotland 1-0 France

So music

Third post of the day and we've not even looked at parochial news or anything!

Music-wise I've always liked to regard myself as a post-punk indiechild who definitely checked into the banging club tunes of the late eighties but nevertheless has soul and deep funk whilst always keeping an eye on the old reggae.

Damn it life was easier when I met Rosa and described my taste in music as white boys with guitars even if I then proceeded to play her Sly and the Family Stone and The Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy proving it a lie.

Dundee United News

Hearts 4-0 Dundee United

Well that's us 11th in the sodding league :-(

Wot I done on my weekend

Well apart from partying down in a gangsta stylee of course but let's take that one as a given.

Daisy: We live in a fantasy world, Tim. We've just constructed this fake utopia where y'know we never get old and never have to face the responsibilities of adulthood. We're just stretching our childhoods out as far as they can go.
Tim: Yeah, I know. We're lucky aren't we?
Daisy: I mean, I'm not going to be wearing plastic jewlery when I'm 40.

I bought and spent most of my time watching both series of Spaced in the new snazzy 3-disc collectors edition. For those of you not aware of this show it was a sitcom from the turn of the century about two 20-somethings who fake being a couple in order to get a flat and is the best sitcom ever made probably because the stars and writers are almost exactly the same age as me and big geeks.

[to a Star Wars: The Phantom Menace fan]
Tim Bisley: You are so blind! You so do not understand! You weren't there at the beginning. You don't know how good it was! How important! This is it for you! This jumped-up firework display of a toy advert! People like you make me sick! What's wrong with you? Now, I don't care if you've saved up all your fifty 'p's, take your pocket money and get out!
[the little boy runs off, crying]
Tim Bisley: What a prick.

Of course you'll know of Simon Pegg from his film Shaun of the Dead which shares a lot of the humour of Spaced and his new film Hott Fuzz is in post-production now for a release next year. I was worried that it might not be as good as I remember it but it is absolutely perfect. When Rosa got back she watched the first 5 episodes and agreed it's great though I disagree in her comparing me to Tim.

Bilbo Bagshot: What about the Ewoks eh? They were rubbish. You don't complain about them.
Tim: Yeah but Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like... fuckin'... Shaft.

I also picked up and started reading The Zombie Survival Guide. Now you lot may laugh but don't come running to me when the dead rise and you're not prepared!

So the hobbit's away

Rosa's gone to see Sarah in Ireland and I sodding hate it. When she talks about going away it sounds pretty good likesay. I mean a weekend of hanging out playing XBox, drinking beer and eating manly meat sounds great, maybe I'll have a Snoop Dogg type party with loads of coke and bitchs and stuff and I'll have a proper lie-in without being dragged out of bed to watch Baywatch and shit.

She's been gone two and a half hours and I have no idea what to do without her. I'm a sad git.

I've decided to inflict my fave lines from songs on the world. I am planning on doing a top bling line of the day but Pulp fit my mood better.

Oh we were brought up on the Space-Race,
now they expect you to clean toilets.

I'm off to party like Snoop Dogg now,

Dundee United

I forgot to mention we had yet another rubbish home performance last weekend barely drawing 1-1 with bottom of the table Motherwell. So that's United 10th on the table and without a home win this season. :-(

Parochial Letters Day

Last week a question of great import was raised in the Tele

Car sign madness
JUST WHAT do drivers think they are achieving by displaying
those silly yellow signs like “Baby on Board” in their cars?
Do they really
think that other motorists are targeting cars with which to have accidents?
Do they believe that the sight of their “Princess on Board” sign will make
other drivers change their mind and crash into another car without a sign?
These signs are a danger, inviting, as they do, other drivers to take their
eyes off the road.
Can we just stop this madness now? — Driven Mad

This has started an important debate throughout Dundee.

Drivers
do take notice of signs
LETTER WRITER Driven Mad complains about car
signs like “Baby On Board”.
Some people do take notice and back off instead
of sitting on my bumper.
As a mother of two young children and a baby I like
to warn people they could hurt innocent children.
I can honestly say I
believe the sign in my rear window has made people think twice. — Mad Drivers.

Out of order
DRIVEN MAD is out of order if he thinks “silly yellow signs”
reading “Baby On Board” are a “danger” to other drivers.
While these signs
may not make other drivers crash into an alternative car, they do offer some
protection nonetheless.
If, for example, you do not have such a sign and are
being tailgated, you will likely continue to be tailgated. If, however, a sign
is displayed, the effect should hopefully be to make the driver behind get his
dangerous behaviour in check.
Once a driver is close enough to read such a
sign, they may already be too close and in need of a wake-up call. — Drive To
Survive.

Hand in licence
IF DRIVEN Mad thinks “Baby On Board” signs are dangerous,
then he or she should hand in his, or her, licence now.
I have one on my
rear window, and when I see one on another vehicle I pull back a little and it
does not distract my attention from the road.— Penelope Pitstop.

Okay Penelope even having a differing opinion means he should have his driving priviliges taken away?

No idea
DRIVEN MAD obviously has no idea the real reason behind “Baby On
Board” signs.
They are in place to advise emergency services that a baby or
child is travelling in case of a collision.
Safety should be the number one
priority for everyone. — Conscientious Mother.

Yeah those suckers that hold on the signs are well known for surviving crashes.

But not everybody was against the original writer.

Outlandish manoeuvre
I AGREE with Driven Mad about signs warning of “Baby On
Board”.
What the sign often means is the parent is going to make some
outlandish manoeuvre, when distracted by the travelling child.
It is only
the quick reflexes of other drivers which avert serious accidents. — Distracted.

Clearly having such a sign means you may suddenly decide to have a go at wheelies at anytime at the goading of the evil travelling child.

Weekend films

I wanted to go see Clerks 2 this weekend but the Kiwi wasnae well so we got DVD's instead.

The Transporter 2

This was nearly fantastic in it's ludicrous plotting, silly stunts and Jason Streatham doing his cool as fuck action hero thing but it was all ruined by CGI driving stun. Now I've got nothing against CGI but there really is no need to do it with cars. Gits!

Tsotsi

Brilliant. The main character is a truly awful person yet they still manage to squeeze a bit of sympathy for him out of you, the simple plot manages to avoid sentimentality and all the performances are fantastic. I really need the soundtrack as well.

Lorraine Kelly Watch

I missed this on Sunday but it appears that the Dundee University Lorraine Kelly debate has reached new heights The Sunday Post!

Advice
STUDY HARD, play hard, drink lots and have safe sex. That was the advice Rector Lorraine Kelly gave to new students at Dundee University. As a mother, will she be happy to give the same advice to her daughter when the time comes for her to start university?

Mrs M. Georgeson, Monifieth.

Well I think that'll have given our Lorraine something to think about don't you?

And Lorraines troubles don't end there.

TV boss quits over Kelly hate text

Thursday September 21, 11:44 AM

Click to enlarge photo

A GMTV boss has quit after accidentally sending a text message to presenter Lorraine Kelly saying she hated her.

Benedetta Pinelli meant to fire off the angry text to her husband after falling out with Kelly while filming on location in Namibia.

Instead she sent Kelly a message which read: "I hate LK."

Realising her mistake, she immediately resigned from her job in charge of the LK Today show.

The drama unfolded last week during a three-day trip to Africa to film cheetahs being released into the wild.

"Benedetta made a massive mistake and fell on her sword. She is hugely embarrassed about the whole thing," said an insider on the ITV1 programme.

"It was entirely her decision to leave. Lorraine played no part in her resignation.

"Lorraine just wants to forget about it and move on. It's so rare to hear a bad word about her because she is a very well-loved presenter here."

Benedetta, who joined GMTV five months ago as Head of Lifestyle, has already found a new job with a film company.

She said: "I'm leaving a strong show behind and I'm very proud of my team. In fact I'm taking them out for a farewell drink tonight."

Thank God that weeks over!

This week seemed to go on forever. I don't think me or the Kiwi really recovered from last Saturday before going back to work and worked proved to be a complete pussy* on Monday and Tuesday but hey we had Wednesday off so nae hass.

Right.

It was all meant to be so easy. We'd both got the day off to go down to Dundee University Open Day but we didn't have to be there til the back of 12 so we could have a lie in and potter about a bit. Well Guinness decided she wanted fed, played with and out at 7am so we never got to sleep in but we tried so we never got up til half-ten. We then futtered around the house too much so we were late heading down the gym for a quick swim and did you know that Rosa doesn't like to be rushed? Well she doesn't and let's you know at length.

Sorry I've got to nip out to get the girl Heat magazine...

...Got the magazine. Apparently Pete's dumped Nicki and the girl needs to know about it right now!

Then we went to the open day which was a complete info download and gave us loads to talk about over a pint afterwards. Of course after two pints we remembered we had to rush home to play an RPG later on. Frankly our days off are getting to be too much work.

The open day was all about the possibility of me going back to school which is a possibility but we're still thinking what with weddings and stuff coming up first.

The rest of the week's mainly consisted of work boredom and gym pain so nothing new there.

*For you colonists this is pronounced the same as hussy and means a hassle.

It's Parochial News Day

Because the G hanging out with international reggae superstars is a bit boring let's see what else is happening in the Dun that is Dee.

The Proclaimers Musical

Screw the ABBA and Queen crap I present you with the musical based on the musical workings of our own Proclaimers. Gasp at that 500 Mile journey, hear that Letter from America and bask in the Sunshine on Leith. The Dundee Rep is actually wonderful and their version of Monkey was trancsendent so we have high hopes.

There's no such thing as a 90 minute bigot

I have a deep disgust of sectarianism whether Catholic or Protestant and I particularly hate it in our national game. We are better than that.

We should have beaten Caley!

I'm expecting United to get into the top half of the table this season but they're going to have to do better. Saying that my support isn't great as I doubt I can afford to take the Kiwi and I to Tannadice until Febuary.

The Sunday Post says Rosa should buy me Lego Star Wars II

She disagrees strongly, I find her lack of faith disturbing.

Best Saturday EVAH!

Or something like it anyway.

Yesterday was far too busy, it's Open Doors Weekend in Dundee so we decided to take advantage and visit a couple of places the first being the venue of our wedding next year Baxters Park pavilion. Baxters park is my local park which was donated by one of Dundees Jute Barons in the 19th century and designed by the bloke who designed Crystal Palace . Up until a few years ago the park and particularly the pavilion was in complete disrepair but it's now restored and looks fabulous. We had a tour of the pavilion from one of the urban rangers, is that not the coolest job title evah, and I am completely stoked that we're getting wed there.

After that it was down to the gym fo a few lengths in the pool then on to Dundee Central Mosque which was really fascinating. I already knew the basics of Islam but sitting down for a chat with a scholar of the Qu'ran was a real eye-opener and I loved the sense of community especially with all the kids running about. It's definitely piqued my interest and I will go back.

Then later on we went to see The Black Seeds live and they were fantastic or choice as my Kiwigirl says. There's nothing like a Kiwi reggae/funk/soul 8 piece band to send you to skank heaven. Check out their tour dates and run, don't walk, to get tickets if they're round your way. After the gig we chatted with Barnaby, the lead singer, who remembered me from last year and is a genuinely sweet guy. Check out their new video Sometimes Enough.

After all that we headed home where I put up a couple of posters I'd snaffled at the gig, opened a beer then promptly fell asleep on the sette. As Saturdays go that was sweet as!

Lorraine Kelly Update

She's had to apologise unfortunately.


Peeps have no sense of humour nowadays!

Anyway I'm off to watch The Black Seeds live but later on I'll let know about the gig, our visit to our wedding venue and todays mosque visit.

Parochial News Redux

I was going to keep the Dundonian news stuff to weekly at most until I happened to glance at the Tele today. My niece was in a Dundee Schools production of 42nd Street last week which was okay for a school production but frankly I'm a bad person who felt being charged a tenner to watch it was a bit much likesay. Well I clearly wasn't as impressed as,

Tele Letters

Encore

My HUSBAND and I attended the Whitehall Theatre to watch 42nd Street. Having never been to the theatre before, we were amazed. These kids were fantastic. We were so impressed with the whole show that we went again, I have been telling everyone I have met that the show was the most amazing thing that we have ever seen. — Gwen and Steven Miller.

Whilst I'm awfy happy for Gwen and Steven especially that they seem to have expanded their world far enough to see a sodding school production I pity their friends who are promised 'the best thing EVAH!'.

For anybody who's read my previous couple of posts I'd also like to point out that the debate on measures in pubs is hotting up and as far as I'm concerned the lead singer of Keane could use help with his pie addiction.

On mortality and exercise

So in March of this year the Scottish Parliament brought in a ban on smoking in public places which after a lot of thought I couldn't help but agree with. As this coincided with the dawning realisation that I might not be quite as immortal as I previously thought and that that morning cough I was having wasn't all that normal or pleasant I decided that after 17 years this would be a good time to give up the old fags likesay.

This was one of the best decisions of my life. I had a pretty hard first week but the girl bought me The Easy Way to Stop Smoking after that and I've never really looked back. Everything smells nicer and tastes nicer and my morning cough seems to have mysteriously disappeared but I'm sure that's just a coincidence. It was a bloody good move but it's not what I'm really here to talk about.

Y'see for most of my life I've been a pretty thin bloke, anorexically so apparently though I disagree. Well since I gave up the fags and started living the good life with Rosa this has changed quite a lot and I've put on a couple of stone mostly in my brand new pooku.

In essence I've got fat.

Not morbidly obese or anything and not even particularly overweight when considering my height but definitely fat around the old belly area. Now I've never been particularly in shape but since I was so thin it didn't really matter and there isn't much opportunity for muscley surfers to kick sand in your face on the beaches of north-eastern Scotland so that wasn't a particular worry. Anyway lots of lassies like slim guys an a'that so no big deal. The problem with putting on weight though is that it really advertises that you're out of shape and whilst being thin can be cool looking like a tattie definitely isn't. I also don't like the idea of dodging the smoking heart attack bullet only get it from the fat bastard bullet.

So I've joined a gym.

I'm spending all the money I saved on fags humiliating myself in front of loads of fit people. I haven't actually got up the courage to try out the weights yet but I've been down swimming in the baths quite a lot and it's bloody hard I can tell you. It appears that I've swapped my luxurious life of chilling smoking fags, drinking beers and playing XBox for what may be a longer life of exercising until it hurts then doing a little bit more just to stretch myself and by and large I much preferred the fags and beer thank you very much. It's not helped by the fact that I'm marrying a Kiwi and those lunatics seem to think that exercise is actually lot's of fun and why don't we go walk a few munroes after we've swum ten miles!

Then again she's fantastic, I have 7 neices and nephews to watch grow up and heart attacks don't look like fun at all so it's all worth it.

Parochial News Day

I figure if anybody is actually reading this they probably barely know Dundee exists and really don't care about what's happening here but I thought I'd share anyway. It's been an exciting few weeks up here with armed robberies, police raids and young lads stealing buses but finally we've managed to concentrate on something important...

Dundee pubs don’t measure up

Now this is quite a serious matter for those who enjoy a wee dram and I hope conditions have improved the next time they check but until then I recommend you keep an eye on the barman pouring things out in thimble measures.

And the start of Dundee Universities Freshers Week is heralded by a speech by the universities rector Lorraine Kelly.

You've got to love Lorraine don't ya?

Now as all of you keen followers of the Scottish Premiership are aware Dundee Uniteds five game unbeaten streak came to an ignomious end on Saturday although Craig Brewster got a good shot in considering that he's an auld dear. Hopefully we'll get back on track after being joined by Namibean forward Arend von Stryck though I worry that he's been signed because his name fits. I'll be sure to keep you updated anyway.

Recent and not so films

Snakes on a Plane is fantastic but Crank is so much better.

Watched a couple of DVD's tonight as well though.

The Proposition is a work of fucking art. Written by Nick Cave, the coolest Australian ever, and starring Guy Pearce, the only cool bloke off of Neighbours, I'd say this is the best western since Unforgiven if it wasn't better. I see this as an existential film with the characters trying to find meaning after being forced into the Hell that is Australia. Ray Winstone rises above an already fantastic cast.

Grizzly Man is Werner Herzog's film made from the tapes of Timothy Treadwell who purported to defend bears in Alaska then got eaten by them. Absolutely fascinating especially when you get into the background of the situation. Herzog never loses sympathy with his subject even when he disagrees and I love his joy at footage that nobody but Treadwell could have got. Saying that I worship Herzog anyway.

So this is how it starts?

It's 2:30am in sunny Dundee and I seem to have drunkenly started my first blog. Frankly I'm not sure what I'm going to use this for other than to bore whoever stumbles across this with my random havering about a'thing and borin details of my life but if you'll persevere I will.

Anyway let me introduce myself.

I'm Garry a 33yr old man living in the Scottish city of Dundee with Rosa, the beautiful Kiwi of Portuguese descent, and a wee black cat called Guinness. I spend my days working as a Call Centre Monkey and my nights playing games, watching movies and chilling in a Scottish stylee. Politically I'm a socialist with more interest in what Tommy Sheridan's up to than Tony Blair right now.

Frankly I'm boring as hell and talk shite. Normally I'd make up for this with my big penis but given my received emails the worlds awash with 12inchers.

Fuck knows what I'll chat about but this may be fun.