Kindness is timeless

Please remember it only takes a moment to show someone you care.

Dundee United 1-0 St Mirren

Thank God for that.

Parochial letters day

Apart from whingeing about my ears I feel that I've been neglecting my blog so there may be a few posts today after I've had a look at the Tele's letters page for the past couple of weeks especially since there's a massive Christmas tree debate that really needs it's own space. But first lets start with a look at crime and punishment,

Build a jail in every county

WE must simplify sentencing murderers, rapists, paedophiles and drug traffickers. They should never be released from prison. To cope with this we should build a jail in every county. This would give a boost to local suppliers and small businesses. — Mr Sensible.

For a moment I hoped that this was actually 80's punkster Captain Sensible but then I realised that the Cap was actually fairly bright so it isn't him. I liked the idea that prisons are actually good for the economy too. Now I'm no Adam Smith but even I know that keeping peeps locked up costs a fortune. That's okay because our next writer realises this and has a solution,

Outer Mongolia

WE KNOW convicts are released from prison long before they have served their full sentences. Some are committing crimes within days of being released. The reason they are being put back on the streets is because it is expensive to incarcerate them. That being so, shouldn’t we find somewhere to put them where the cost wouldn’t be so great? Many years ago we sent convicts to Australia. Today, I believe we should send them to Outer Mongolia. — Pageboy.

I wonder how the Outer Mongolians would feel about that. But enough of the sublime let's try the ridiculous,

No surrender

AS AN Englishman happily ensconced in Dundee, I would like to know what would then become of the British passport if Scotland became independent, as I have no intention of surrendering mine. — Matt Spence, Perth Road, Dundee.

Just keep taking the pills mate although I do like your use of the word ensconced it makes you look like you might have half a brain. Of course it would take a real pedant to actually answer this nonsense,

Passports

I AM a history teacher with a keen interest in Scotland’s past and future, so I can shed light on Matt Spence’s query about passports and nationality. The British state is rooted in the 1707 Treaty of Union and if Scotland ever becomes an independent state again, the Treaty of Union would have to be revoked. This would result in the end of the British state as we know it; so Mr Spence’s British passport would almost certainly become invalid. He would either have the choice of taking out Scottish citizenship, with a Scottish passport, or return to England, where he could apply for English citizenship and an English passport. — History Teacher.

You can always rely on a history teacher to go to great lengths to state the bloody obvious. The subject of crime comes back again as somebody comes up with the perfect solution,

Hard labour

BEING SENT to prison is a punishment for being found guilty of wrong-doing. However, it would appear being sent to prison is not a deterrent for recidivists, and seems like a cushy number, what with leisure facilities, access to televisions, gymnasiums, etc. Prisoners should be rationed to bread and water, and made to undertake hard labour. Their time in prison should be as harsh as possible. This may deter them from re-offending and costing the taxpayer more money. — Jack Michaelson, Dundee.

I was just thinking of getting caught shoplifting or something so I can get a free holiday at one of these fantastic prisons especially since they finally got rid of slopping out.

And I'd like to end this with good news for all the English peeps ensconced in Dundee,

Right to residency

IT IS the SNP’s policy that, if someone resident of Scotland when we become independent chooses not to take up Scottish citizenship, then he or she will continue to enjoy an unaffected right to residency. So the reply to Matt Spence’s question is that nothing will change for him. — Stewart Hunter, Dundee West SNP.

I know I breathed a sigh of relief at that one.

I know you've been wondering what G looks like...

And this is me in all my glory looking cool in the back of a bakkie in South Africa. Handsome and suave looking devil aren't I? I'm currently sorting out my photies from the trip so more to come.

Acoustic shock

This is me from a forum I'm on,

I'm a call centre monkey which means that I sit with a headset on all day listening to peeps shout at you. Very occasionally this can lead to acoustic shock which is not a nice thing.

Late this afternoon there was something like electronic feedback straight into my right ear. I felt sick straight away as it fucked up my inner ear and I've not been right since. My head is just totally fucked in that I'm completely tense and paranoid, I've not got tinnitus but every background sound is a major irritation and I'm still feeling vaguely ill. I've had this once or twice before and it's really sodding horrible but it's even worse because the hobbitgirl hasn't seen me like this and it's not nice.

Sorry just ranting a bit. I'll feel better tomorrow.

That was a few hours ago and I'm feeling a bit better only because I've got my headphones on which cuts out the extraneous sounds that are winding me up rotten. Rosa was a bit worried because I'm so sodding tense but what can you do?

Dunfermline 2-1 Dundee United

Of course United were 1-0 ahead through most of the game and an equalizer is acceptable but they handed the game away in the 89th minute the idiots. It's good that we beat Rangers but do we have to bounce back to shiteness by being drubbed by fucking Dunfermline?

In other news I'm still not sure what to say about South Africa. It's a nation of weird contradictions with extreme poverty living next to mad riches, really friendly and kind peeps with horrible acts of crime and stupendous countryside with intense cities. I love it to bits but don't know how to describe it.

I am really proud of myself for hauling my fat arse over Table Mountain whilst the tablecloth was down though.

Rosa's brother Ed is a cool bloke and his wife Marieke is really lovely. They did well putting up with me and I can't wait to have them up for the wedding. One of my high points was watching Rosa and Ed dancing on a late drunken night. Broke your heart so it did.

Coming back to the cold north was crap but having my cat Guinness waiting for us made it worthwhile. Our catsitter had spoiled the wee git rotten though, she thinks it's fine to jump on the coffee table.

This turned out a bit messy but my heads still fucked from trying to work out what South Africa's about. I'm away to watch Torchwood now.

Parochial News Day!

As some of you may be aware I've been in South Africa for the past fortnight which has changed what parochial news I've been subjected to. Therefore today I'd like to welcome our guest publication The Citizen.

South Africa's been having quite a few political scandals recently and crime is a very big issue but todays paper had a story concerning an issue that I know is important to all Saffies.

Beer unaffected by gas shortage

JOHANNESBURG – Beer will flow as usual over the festive season while the supply of certain fizzy soft drinks could be affected by a carbon dioxide shortage.

SA Breweries spokesman Michael Farr said on Monday that the country’s seven breweries were self reliant when it came to supplies of the crucial gas.

“Therefore beer production is normal and is not affected,” he said.

The shortages, expected this month and next month, were because of demand exceeding full production, “as it always does in the December period,” said Farr.

South Africa faced the shortages due to production problems experienced by the major CO2 supplier.

Production was being focused on core brands -- Coca-Cola, Fanta and Sprite -- and to ensure some sizes were available.

Less popular drinks -- such as Fanta Pine, Fanta Grape, Sprite Zero and TAB -- could be in short supply, Farr said. – Sapa.

They said that things could get bad down there but that's sailing a little close to the wind in my opinion.

Not to say that The Citizen is only concerned with local problems. A link on the front pageleads us to this story,

Scottish island robbed of its innocence

LONDON – A tiny Scottish island where residents routinely leave their houses and cars unlocked has suffered its first burglary in living memory after a visiting workman stole 60 pounds (89 euros or 115 dollars).

The culprit, who was later caught, was fined 400 pounds and ordered to pay compensation to his victim, after snatching the cash on Colonsay, off the west coast, where there has been no crime at all since 2004.

The Hebridean isle -- where locks are reportedly rusted through lack of use -- is home to only 125 people and is seen as one of Britain’s safest places.

Friday’s Daily Telegraph reported that the island’s part-time policeman Don McLeod swooped on thief James Harvey, 38, from Glasgow, who was stranded on Colonsay for several days while he waited for a ferry back to the mainland.

Harvey’s victim, “Wee” (little) Davie Sutherland, 75, was quoted as saying: “I suppose it was only 60 pounds but it just doesn’t happen here.

“I don’t even have a lock on my house, so that tells you what you need to know about the island.”

The last crime on Colonsay involved the theft of several cars which were driven around the island then dumped. – Sapa-AFP.

Okay so they don't have any crime on Teuchter Island but I still can't get very excited at this one though I do like that the one flaw in the master criminals plan was that there's only one ferry a week. It's the details that get you.

And this one is just so Jo'burg,

Lucky escape as floor sinks into shaft

By Durelle Kariem

JOHANNESBURG – Two men narrowly escaped death when the floor of their shack sank down a mine shaft at the Angelo informal settlement yesterday morning.

Ekurhuleni emergency services spokesman Johan van den Heever said the floor of the shack fell down what used to be an old mine shaft.

“The incident happened after a water pipe along the mining belt became corroded.

“Due to the water pipe leaking and the heavy rain we had on Sunday night, the ground became unstable,” Van den Heever said.

The men were unharmed and left the shack after they realised that the floor had collapsed.

Ekurhuleni Housing spokesman Fanie Mare said the next step would be to relocate the residents to safer land.

The land belonged to one of the mines and not the municipality.

“We are still in the process of discussing permission to move the residents”, Mare said.

It is believed the mine manager will have to assist the housing department to find a safer area of land.

Jo'burg is so hardcore even the subsidence is out to get you.

I'd just like to finish by thanking Graham for the Dundee United update and to note that we won again against Kilmarnock at the weekend so things are looking up. I was able to get the SPL scores in South Africa but not from The Citizen which is why this article confused me.

Pressley omission stuns Hearts fans

EDINBURGH (AFP)

Romania's Ioan Ganea (L) vies for the ball with Scotland's Steven Pressley during an international friendly in March 2004. A troubled season for Hearts has taken another sharp turn for the worse with the future of Pressley in doubt following his omission from the side that drew 1-1 away to Falkirk on November 13.

A troubled season for Hearts has taken another sharp turn for the worse with the future of influential skipper Steven Pressley in doubt following his omission from the side that drew 1-1 away to Falkirk on Monday.

The Scotland international centre-half has been a mainstay of the side over the last few years and captained them to Scottish Cup success last year as well as second place in the Premier division.

But his recent outspoken comments detailing "significant unrest" in the Tynecastle dressing room following statements from club majority shareholder Vladimir Romanov and frequent managerial changes appear to have cost him his place in the starting line-up.

There were also unconfirmed rumours that Pressley had been stripped of the captaincy which could provoke furore among Hearts' fans among whom he is hugely popular.

Mired in a run of poor results that have cost them second place in the league, two other stalwarts - Paul Hartley and Robbie Nelson - were also benched for the game at Falkirk.

Highly-rated goalkeeper Craig Gordon was the only Hearts player to comment on Pressley's demotion.

"It is hard. After the team meeting, I had to go away and compose myself and put myself in the frame of mind that I was going out to do a job," the Scotland international said.

"We have got a couple of thousand Hearts fans coming to cheer us on. I gave everything I had."

Gordon revealed Pressley had urged his team-mates to secure a win.

"I spoke to him on a few occasions, and he wanted the boys to go out there and get a result. He was 100 percent behind the players."

Christophe Berra led the team out at Falkirk, but Gordon maintains Pressley is irreplaceable.

"He is the captain and has been for a number of years," he said.

"I don't see anybody in that dressing room capable of replacing the big character and big leader that he is."

Asked if all the players are behind Pressley, Gordon said: "You would have to ask everybody individually. I would hope the vast majority if not every player would back him.

"He always battles our corner and has the players' interests at the forefront of his mind."

The managerial merry-go-round at Tynecastle looks set to continue with the emergence of another Lithuanian coach in the shape of Eugenijus Riabovas.

At Falkirk the coaching duties were carried out by Eduard Malofeev himself stepping in for Valdas Ivanauskas, the Lithuanian who was in charge at the start of the year but who has taken time off to recover from illness.

I couldn't find the United score in the paper for two weeks and then suddenly we're given an indepth article on Heart of Midlothian and their game against Falkirk. Just goes to show.