Cartoon boyfriend when you gonna rub yourself out?

So I can't be arsed whingeing about the upcoming nuptuals or worrying about my Dads recovery from heart surgery so lets have a look at another game.


Toon is another classic game from Greg Costikyan who's other great comedy game Paranoia has already been mentioned. Based on all your favourite Warner Brothers cartoons it's rules are simple and easy to learn whilst offering an incredibly good simulation of their subject matter, frex none of the characters can die instead they get amusingly squashed/spiked or whatever and sit out the game for three minutes. Like Paranoia playing it can be either fun or frustrating depending on how much your willing to through yourself into the genre but, also like Paranoia, once you throw yourself into it the abandoning of normal roleplaying structure is liberating and incredibly good fun and fun is what the game's all about. So enough of that let's get on with the PC building malarkey...

Every Toon has four attributes, Muscle which is how strong and good in a fistfight he is, Zip which is how fast and dextrous he is, Smarts which is how umm smart he is and Chutzpah which is how much of a wideo he is and these are all decided on the roll of a single 6-sided die.

Our boy rolls 2 for Muscle, 3 for Zip, 3 for Smarts and 6 for Chutzpah. So he's not all that strong and only average when it comes to speed and brains but he can charm the birds out of the trees and get them to buy the pints all night.

The Toons also have Hit Points which weirdly enough are points that measure how much you can be hit. These are worked out by rolling a single 6-sided die and adding 6.

The wee man rolls a miserly 1 which when 6 is added leaves us with a rather poor 7. He's definitely a bit of a wimp but who cares when death only lasts long enough to nip out for half a fag.

Now the Toon needs to be described. You can choose or roll his species but the rest is up to you.

Our boy rolls a 33 so he's a rat. Ratski, as we'll call him, is normal rat sized though he walks on hind legs, he wears a bowler hat and bow tie with collar and carries a cane. Ratski's a wee chancer who's always on the lookout for an easy score of good food, easy living and the love of the laydeez.

We then have to choose a natural enemy.

As a rat Ratskis natural enemy is pest controllers of course.

We then choose the Toons Beliefs and Goals which are exactly what they seem to be.

Ratski's Belief is, Work is Bad - This character will go to any lengths to avoid working including using more energy and time than the actual work would have required. Ratski's Goal, Find and eat pie - The wee man is obsessed with pie and will go to any lengths to obtain and eat pie.

The Toon also carries 8 items 4 of which can be normal and 4 of which can be anything that the Animator (GM) allows.

Ratski's normal objects are, String Marbles Bottle of Glue Newspaper His other objects, Two-headed Coin President Nixon Mask Itching Powder Anvil

Toonboy then gets to sort out his skills of which there are 23 with a level of between 1 and 9 which has a starting value of the attribute it's based on frex Ratsko's Fight is based on his Muscle and thus starts at 2. There is then another 30 points to add to the skills to the maximum of 9. To use a skill you roll two 6-sided dice (2d6) and you are succesful if you roll under the value with a roll of 2 always being a success even if your skill is 1.

Let's not pedantically work our way through the skills except to say that whilst we'll give him a range we'll concentrate on his personality as a chancer who'll run rather than fight. You'll see them on the character sheet.

We can also spend some of the 30 points for skills on special powers called schticks which cost a varaibale amount of points each and are rolled against at a value of 5.

Ratski's a bit of a wide so let's give him Quick Change/Disguise which lets him disguise himself as nearly anything as long as he makes the roll.

The last thing you do is draw a picture of your Toon. I can't draw to save my life and since the old life isn't in danger I'm not going to try. If you want to try please send the pictures on a stamp-addressed postcard to the usual address.

But I gotta know what's your fantasy

Now back to G making a character from every game he owns. Rosa's been ok about what she calls my 'stupid boy-project' because it keeps me quiet and means that I'll mibbee manage to sort out all the books that are boxed up in the spare room in time for the wedding. What this actually means is that books are now strewn about the ho0use as I leaf through loads of old stuff I forgot I had and decide that even though I haven't even considered digging a certain book out in 15 years I really don't want to get rid of it cos y'know I might need it at some point. Anyway whilst digging through my old stuff I've come across the first RPG I ever bought so lets make a chracter for Final Fantasy.

Sorry but that's the best image I could find.

This whole roleplaying thing started for me a little earlier when My Uncle Andy got me The Warlock of Firetop Mountain for my 10th birthday. I was immediately hooked into the choose your own adventure books and less than a year later when I picked up The Fighting Fantasy RPG at the incredible expense of £1.75 I was stuck with this as my hobby for life. Anyway let's get started,

Our adventurer has three statistics Skill, Stamina and Luck. We determine Skill by rolling a 6 sided die and adding 6, I roll a 5 making starting Skill 11, Stamina by rolling two dice and adding 12, I roll a 6 and a 1 so starting Stamina is 19, and Luck by rolling a 6 sided die and adding 6, I roll a 5 making starting Luck 11. The adventurer carries a sword, a backpack, a lantern, up to 10 provisions, amount is up to GM, which can be used to restore Stamina and a potion of Skill, Stamina or Luck which can restore the relevant statistic. And that's it really apart from naming him, let's call him Bob.

Combat is resolved by rolling 2 dice and adding Skill withe the loser losing two Stamina. Luck can be rolled equal or under to inflict more or take less damage though you lose a Luck point and run the risk of the opposite effect happening if you're unlucky. There are additional rules for multiple combatants and doing stuff like moving silently, pretty much all additional actions require you to roll under your Skill with 2 dice, but that's pretty much it. There then follows two dungeons for your players to explore done in a format familiar to anybody who's ever played a Fighting Fantasy gamebook. They're both good fun and we kids had quite a few happy hours of this.

I never got any of the other books as by the end of that year I was running a Middle Earth Roleplaying campaign which was a huge leap in complexity but I can't think of a better introduction to roleplaying. It cost so little that you could take a risk, already had a format which every bairn of my age was familiar with and whilst simple it still managed to do a decent though basic job. Top game!

Dundee United 0-1 Barcelona

Should have been 1-0 to United but the ref was an idiot who disallowed a clearly onside United goal then gave away a dodgy penalty.

Parochial News Day

There is only one story in the news this week and it's that Dundee United are set to give Barcelona another famous drubbing tonight!

BARCELONA THOUGHTS

Most thoughts at Dundee United today turned to Barcelona as preparations for Thursday’s glamour friendly against the Spanish giants got under way (writes Tom Duthie).

With a stand-in goalkeeper and a striker to find, however, Tangerines boss Craig Levein also had other things on his mind. Fan and player focus for the next few days, though, will be firmly on Barca, who flew into Edinburgh at lunchtime before heading for St Andrews, where they will be based for the rest of the week. With the Spanish season finishing little over a month ago, their pre-season work only started on Saturday and, as well as games against United and Hearts, Frank Rijkaard’s superstars face double training sessions most days here. Not on the plane from Spain were Copa America stars Lionel Messi and Raphael Marquez, they will remain on holiday until next week, while club captain and key defender Carles Puyol is missing pre-season work because of injury. Heading for Fife, though were the likes of Ronaldinho, Deco and, of course, massive summer signing from Arsenal Thierry Henry. At Tannadice, Craig Levein made no attempt to hide the fact the prospect of doing battle against such talent meant there was an extra buzz about the place when his players arrived for training this morning. “Of course there is. This is a game everyone wants to be involved in, and all the players will be trying to show they should be,” he said. “I’m no different. To be working towards a game against Barcelona is nice.” That won’t stop the gaffer taking care of the business he has to in the run up to the start of the SPL season on Saturday week, tickets for the opener against Aberdeen are on sale now, and his search for a striker continues. Now added to the many calls he’s been making about an attacker are enquiries concerning goalkeepers after it emerged Lukasz Zaluska had broken his foot and will be out for six weeks. “You’ve no idea just how much work I’ve been doing to fix up a striker. I’d like one for Thursday, but the most important thing is I get a player of the right quality so I can’t say that will happen,” added Craig. “Now I’ve also got the goalkeeping situation to think about as well. We knew Lukasz had a problem, but didn’t realise how bad it was until he got a scan and he didn’t either. “With the Barcelona game so close, it is obviously a big disappointment for him, but these things happen in football and now it is a case of looking around for cover.” Craig was happy with yesterday’s 2-2 draw against Raith at Stark’s Park, a game that saw young Ghanaian Prince Bauben make his debut. The 19-year-old has been on trial and has signed a three-year contract. He is seen as one for the future, but his early progress suggests he may force his way into the squad sooner than expected. “He’s got talent, though the reason he played yesterday was because he needed games. “The game was a good exercise and very competitive. “It gave the boys a good run out and I was pleased to see (Christian) Kalvenes and (Willo) Flood get action.”

I feel fully confident in a 2-1 victory for the Tigers and you all know how rarely my sports predictions are wrong.

It's the suede denim secret police!

So I'm off work after taking a fall off my bike leaving me with a bad arm, broken finger and awfy sair skint knees. Luckily I can report that wearing a helmet is now officially a good thing as though my old noggin was cracked hard on the pavement I ended up with nary a lump. So as I'm laid up at home I can actually start on my RPG characters with a new edition of an old game,


Now Paranoia's a strange one to start with because in many ways it's the antithesis of what's expected in RPG's. In most games players are expected to co-operate to achieve their goals whilst in Paranoia they are gleefully encouraged to stab each other in the backs, other games have a clearly defined mission whilst here the mission is invariably impossible, an excuse for players to stab each other in the back or a long-winded joke and finally where other less fun games discourage random player deaths it's unusual to play though 5 minutes of Paranoia without somebody getting theirs and it doesn't really matter as every character has five clone backups ready to take his place. This all makes Paranoia the Marmite of roleplaying, you either love it or hate it and very little will convince you otherwise.

Before we make the character a bit of a skiffy to the background. Paranoia is set in Alpha Complex a gigantic post-apocolyptal underground city ruled by The Computer. The Computer was originally installed to keep the citizens safe but has gone completely mad and is now involved in a perpetual hunt for mutant commie traitors. The players play Troubleshooters who's job it to hunt down traitors which of course they are. Think Brazil, THX 1138 and Big Brother chucked into a blender with The Marx brothers and you're about right. Okay on with the character,

First we're asked for the characters name and gender. Making him male's easy enough as to name this is a bit unusual in that it's done as Name - Clearance - Sector. He's red clearance so we'll call him Ronnie-R-Gun and not worry too much about it. We then hace to roll a 20 sided dice/2 for 6 skills the assign specialities and such. Rather than bore you with details I'll nip off and do that.

We now roll for the characters Service group and appropriate firm to find his day job. Ronnie is in the Armed Forces working as in the Ammunition Fresheners firm. You then pick a specialized skill, Ronnie gets energy weapons to make him leet with lasers. We then roll for the mutant power, having a mutant power is treason BTW, Ronnie get's Matter Eater which allows him to munch down on just about anything which can prove very handy when trying to eat at the staff canteen. After this is a quick roll to see what secret society Ronnie belongs to, being a member of a secret society is treasonous of course, and we get Communist. Ronnie is a Godless Communist out to destroy all that is good in Alpha Complex! He also gets more skills particularly Propoganda which is very very treasonous. To finish off we give Ronnie two tics, Ronnie is an habitual nose-picker and giggles like a girl when stressed. And here he is,

If anybody's wondering the base mechanic is to pick the relevant skill then try to roll under it's number with a 20 sided die eg Ronnie would have to roll under 12 to shoot somebody with his laser. You know it's not until now that it hit me that the new Paranoia doesn't have any of the normal stat we'd expect in an RPG like strength, intelligence etc but instead replaces them rather niftily with the general Knowledge and Action skills. This works really well for the loose type of play encouraged in the game by keeping everything simple.

That was actually quite fun though I'm not sure if it's interesting to read as peeps who don't play RPG's will probably find it even more incomprehensible than my normal blog but there you go. I'll inflict more on you soon.

In just 7 days I can make you a man!

I've never really mentioned my hobby of playing roleplaying games which I've been doing for about 24 years now. I'm currently running Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay every week or so which was supposed to be an epic, dark fantasy quest but has turned out to be more Blackadder in Fantasyland as my players bumble their way from one mishap to another. A great example of this is Rosa's character Podwit a pie-obsessed, psychotic hobbit currently planning on faking his own death in order to avoid having to marry some lass he picked up in the pub when he should be concentrating on trying to save the world. I worry about Rosa sometimes.

Anyway this has all come up as this bloke mentioned in an RPG forum I visit his intention of creating a character for every game he owns and as I need a stupid project to distract me from all the wedding stuff I've decided to do it myself and inflict the results on you lot though I'll probably get distracted after the first few but it's something to do.

And yes you're right I am a sad wee geek who really should get out more but what can ye dae?

Will you buy this game?

Uh Oh We're In Trouble!

A short missive because I seem to have not blogged in some time. I've tried on a few different reasons for this and none of them seem to fit. In the end I think it's been a general laziness with the whole intraweb thing mixed with a growing unease about the upcoming nuptials.

Now don't be worried I'm just as sure as ever about getting wed to the daft Kiwigirl and it seems she's still deluded enough to think I'm worth it but this whole wedding thing is a complete pain. The bastard thing creeps into every part of your life until it seems everybody's talking about it and just when you seem to escape you find yourself babbling on about it. After this you start to chuck on everybodies elses expectations and you end up in some sort of twilight zone. It's late over here and I feel the need to shoot things in console land so I'll give you one really weird example...

Asking the Father of the Bride for her hand in marriage.

Now I personally consider this sort of crap to have gone out with brothel creepers and would never have considered asking Rosa's Dad as fucked up a question as this and wasn't surprised when Rosa said that despite being a bit old-fashioned it's not something he would expect. Now this is all knowing that Rosa's Dad is a Portuguese Catholic who could reasonably be expected to be a bit traditional, it's no a bad thing to be traditional, but if he didn't have trust in his children Rosa wouldn't be who she is. Contrast this with the lassies in my workplace who were all dying to know about me asking for my girls hand in marriage and what the father said. This is quite a wide mixture of age and education that all thought that decades of feminist thought should be thrown aside because it's 'romantic' for somebody to ask for their ownership. The question of course is what would happen if their fathers said no? Would they actually cast aside the love of their life because their dad wasnae keen? This sort of shite permeates peeps ideas about what weddings should be and it is really worrying. People are really fucked up!

Suffice to say it was important for both Rosa and I to speak to the respective parents and both her Mum and Dad were absolutely lovely when we dropped the bombshell, as were my auld dears, and whilst I'm quietly crapping myself about it I'm sure they'll be great when they come across.

Anyway it's now 5 weeks till the day so I promise to blog at least once a week til then.

The World was a mess but his hair was perfect

Well it's been a funny month since I last blogged. In awfy good news my sister is no longer marrying the abusive English bloke in Spain this week mainly because, as my niece Caroline says, he's a fucking psycho. I never realised how much of a weight on my shoulders the whole sister marrying fuckwit was until I heard this though it's still unlikely that she'll be coming to the wedding. Still a relief though likesay.

The wedding itself seems to be almost sorted with kilts and rings ordered, venues organised and food being prepared. All that's left is getting the invites out, sorting out the music with the DJ and organising transport for the wedding party. We were in town at the beginning of the month looking at all the stuff we could have bought with the money we're spending on this, actually quite cheap compared to most, day and wondering whose fault it all is. Turns out it's mine but there you go eh? Saying all that I'm really looking forward to us all getting together for a big party that's all about me!

And that weird Kiwi I suppose.

In other news I was out for my mate Danny's smoker the other week which was fun but obviously not fun enough as I seem to have drunkenly ended up at his girl Claires smoker in The Cage which is a rock/goth club that I only ever end up in when I'm pished out my skull and always hate it. Claire's always fun to dance with though.

This of course led to us having to go to the actual wedding last Saturday which was fun though it did remind me how much I hate the special Hell that is wedding receptions and I hereby choose not to commit to staying the full evening at ours if there's a chance of getting a squad of us together to head down to The Reading Rooms to check out a band and drink some of that special voodoo juice known as Red Stripe. I know this is going against all tradition but if it gets me out of having to dance with all my aunties what can I do?

You know why living in South Africa is shitty?

Because you don't get to watch Frost and Peggs Perfect Night In.

Take it Eddyboy take it!

Parochial news day

I'm refusing to make any comment on the utter shambles that was the recent Scottish elections however tempted I am to mention breweries and pissups. Anyway there's much more important news in Dundee,

United want Jason back
	JASON SCOTLAND (right) could be set for return to the SPL with former club Dundee United.
Dundee United want Jason Scotland back at Tannadice (write Graeme Finnan and James Masson).
The Trinidad and Tobago international was a big hit with fans during his first spell at the club, which ended in controversy when he was surprisingly refused a fresh work permit two years ago. That subsequently led to him signing for St Johnstone and the 28-year-old has continued to show his class in the First Division, bagging 25 goals for Saints this season. That’s triggered interest from several clubs and, although United boss Craig Levein was unavailable for comment, Saints manager Owen Coyle confirmed the Tangerines are one of them. However, with Scotland’s contract running until the final week in August, the McDiarmid Park club would be looking for some form of financial compensation if one of their prize assets was to move on. “Craig (Levein) called me out of courtesy to let me know of his interest in Jason, and I appreciate the gesture,” said Owen. “We haven’t given up on Jason, but, obviously, finance always comes into play. “He is under contract here until the end of August, so we can play him for the first month of next season. Any club wanting him before then will have to pay compensation.” Meanwhile, following yesterday’s news that goalkeeper Derek Stillie will quit United at the end of the season to pursue a career in law down south, the Tannadice outfit have been looking at a possible replacement. Polish goalie Lucasz Zaluska is currently on trial at the club. The 24-year-old plays for Korona Kielce in his homeland. McINNES SIGNS St Johnstone midfielder Derek McInnes has re-signed for the club on a one-year deal. “I am delighted that Derek has signed as he has done well for us on and off the park,” said Owen. Paul Sheerin, Simon Mensing and Scotland are the only three Saints still to pen new deals.

I'm sure you're all aware of the love for Scotland in the Gourlay/Mendes household and we all hope that the Tangerines can scrape the finances together to bring him back home.

Monopoly vote

I URGE people to vote for Dundee to get onto the new UK Here And Now Monopoly board game. We are currently in fifth place and it would be great if we could get the city up as high as possible. — Nathen Tyrrell, Dornie Place, Dundee.

Now this I can get behind. C'mon boys and girls cast your vote for the City of Discovery here.

Sadly there's been no recent news about the greatest rock band in the world The View but the Tele did receive this letter.

Don’t forget about McFly

McFly.

A LOT has been written about The View and Arctic Monkeys playing at the Caird Hall but not about McFly ,who performed there on April 6. McFly are a chart-topping band who did a great concert with all their hits and more. I was there with my eight-year-old daughter and we loved it and are so glad that a big group like McFly came to Dundee. — Sharon and Louise, Dundee.

I've been trying hard to forget about sodding McFly for months and you two have to go and remind me.

And finally a piece of shocking news,

Bald men

I AM constantly amazed at the number of bald men in Dundee. A visitor could be forgiven for thinking there was some kind of giant Right Said Fred look-alike competition taking place. Wigs should have to be worn in public places. — Snappy Chappy.

Whilst I've never noticed this outbreak of baldiness in Jute City I vow to keep my eyes peeled for slapheads from now on. Perhaps I'll start carrying some hats to hand out to the follicly challenged so Mr S Chappy is not so offended.

Separated at birth!

My good friend Graeme


And Nasser Hussain


The resemblance is truly scary.

For Rosa

Love For Love

Ithers seek they ken na what,
Features, carriage, and a' that;
Gie me love in her I court,
Love to love maks a' the sport.

Let love sparkle in her e'e;
Let her lo'e nae man but me;
That's the tocher-gude I prize,
There the luver's treasure lies.

Okay boys you can stop making videos now...

Because what's the point after Hump de Bump?

You lot have all probably seen this before but numptyboy here has mainly been listening to Ukranian folk music and Billy Bragg which left me right out of the loop.

We could crawl but I'd rather drive she said!

Once again a big gap in my blogging but frankly I've been too fair puggled from my new mode of transport to get up the energy. You see both I and Rosa have been getting increasingly fed up with the gym over the last four or five months as it became massively over-susbscribed and starting letting families bring their weans in on weekends so we decided it was time to tell them to get tae and invest in a different keep fit so there was only one solution.

I bought a bike.

Not a motorcycle that would make me feel all easy rider in a Julian Cope/Jimi Hendrix stylee or even a cool wee moped that would go with my German army parka and give a whole Quadrophenia vibe.

A pushbike.

Now I'm given to understand that a lot of people actually enjoy bicycling. I've even met a few and some of them have even been British but they were all quite strange anyway. I mean the biggest biking event in the World is the Tour de France and every competitor in that is on drugs, they tell you it's performance enhancing but I honestly believe you need a good puff of crack to even consider going in for that and there's tons of bikes in the Netherlands which is a country full of peeps on drugs. Marieke, Rosas brother Eds wife, is a very keen biker and generally seems a nice normal girl apart from her deep hatred of baboons but looking at the evidence she's probably secretly mental.

Anyway so we spent a wad of cash on a bicycle and associated paraphenalia, though I did manage to avoid buying a dayglo bodystocking or anything like that, for me to ride to and from work on. I was a little worried that I might crap out after a day or two so I implemented the cunning plan of spending all my travelling cash on beer thus forcing me to use the bike albeit with a massive hangover. So there I was first thing in the morning, MP3 playing cool indie-rock into my ears, rad skater helmet on my head when I realised the really really major flaw in my plan.

I live on a hill.

Quite a big hill actually. In fact now I come to mention it there's a bloody extinct volcano in between me and my work, not exactly Mount Etna or anything but enough to make sure that I've got to go around the bloody thing and frankly going up hills is a hell of a lot harder nowadays than it was when I was 12. This is compounded by the bike having 21 gears. What the Hell am I supposed to do with 21 gears? When I was young 8 or 12 gears was a lot and they were generally the sole province of nutters with racing bikes, I spend most of the time guessing what gear I should be in and hoping that the chain won't come loose. Even worse it seems that there are drivers out there who want to kill me. Now I'm quite used to peeps wanting to kill me, usually within an hour of meeting me, but these peeps haven't even met me and they seem hellbent on running me over. It's not the peeps in Micras or Fiestas either it's always blokes in gigantic 4x4's with massive bull bars who seem offended by my very existence. So every morning I arrive at work wringing with sweat, a fearful gleam in my eye and very very shaky legs. Bloody bike!

To be fair I'm actually enjoying some of it. Every morning I get the choice of riding along beside the most beautiful river in the world and saying hello to Dundee's very own highland cattle or taking different routes and rediscovering parts of my home city I've not seen in years, it wakes me up for work in the morning and let's me de-stress in the evening as I concentrate on trucking right and listening to my music and I do feel a weird twisted sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. Now all I've got to do is move somewhere flat.

As I made the move to shrink my carbon footprint Rosa went the other way and bought a car. It's quite a nice Hyundai Elantra 1.6 litre and was definitely needed as the wee Micra whilst a good car was really not designed for the amount of countryside driving the girls work runs to so even though it seems strangely grownup it's a good buy.

And for the last big buy of the month I'm typing this on our new computer that my very good friend Pete built for us at an amazingly low price. To be honest whilst the dual-processors are incredible and Vista Ultimate 64 is really really cool we really only needed an PC that took less than an hour to startup but Pete seemed so excited it seemed churlish to say no. The decision to have it built definitely had nothing to do with the way my XBox 360 hooks up to the media centre allowing all my music and videos stored on the PC to be played through it. Honest.

Don't worry kidders we are still working on the wedding an a'that but I'll bitch about that another time. :)

You know what I'm doing that you're not?

I finally managed to pick up Brian Lara Cricket 2007 this morning and it's sweet as though there are some glitches. I'll tell more after spending tomorrow playing it with mates. Now if only you peeps would get Xbox 360's and broadband we could get a game on.

Parochial News Day

It's a while since I've blogged about the local goings on in the City of Discovery so I thought it's time to have a look especially as someone dear to us all has contributed to the vibrant debates about life in the fair city,

Don’t pick the daffs

ON MORE than one occasion recently, I have seen groups of people emerging from Baxter Park, Dundee, clutching big bunches of freshly-picked daffodils. ON MORE than one occasion recently, I have seen groups of people emerging from Baxter Park, Dundee, clutching big bunches of freshly-picked daffodils.

More often than not they have young children with them. What kind of a role model is this providing?

Are they going to “blame the kids” the next time something is stolen/vandalised from local amenities?

Also, when walking through Baxter Park, I note that many of the flower beds are trampled.

Would the people who think it’s okay to pick flowers from parks think it’s okay to pick flowers from private gardens? It’s the same thing. — Flower Girl.

[Our photographer took this picture of trampled and damaged daffs in Baxter Park.]

I can reveal that Flower Girl is none other than our own dear Rosa who after witnessing this heinous crime decided enough was enough and it was time to resort to the ultimate sanction in any true Dundonians armoury and write a stern letter to The Tele. I now rest assured that the perpetrators are black affronted at their behaviour being made public and will mend their larcenous ways. It's also nice to enter the esteemed company of people like our next contributor,

Bring back hanging

IT IS about time the Government did something about crime. Politicians are very hard on smokers and they have to toe the line.

But those who take drugs or have a drink problem are still getting off.

I am often shocked at the sentences given out for assault.

Criminals sent to jail come out and do the same things again. Jail cannot be that bad or they wouldn’t want to go back.

Bring back hanging and the birch. There would be a big drop in crime. — O.A.P.

It's good to see the older generation showing such depth of wisdom and compassion in a confusing modern world when it would be so much easier to reach for simplistic, reactionary solutions. The day we stopped beating criminal scum was just the beginning of the slippery slope that leads to us not being allowed to beat our own children dammit!

In the news section on Friday we had our obligatory story about Dundee's very own rock superstars The View,

Dundee chart-topping band The View returned to their home town to make their latest video. Double A-side The Don and Skag Trendy will feature images from Dryburgh, where band members Kieren Webster, Steve Morrison, Pete Reilly and Kyle Falconer grew up.

The View went to number one with their debut album Hats Off To The Buskers.

We are incredibly proud of the wee lads and the album is pretty sodding good though hearing songs about Dundee in the charts and seeing the city in videos is incredibly weird. Either way get hold of the album now and if you're up my way I'll take you for a pint in the Campbelltown Bar. though just mind and dinnae pick the daffies!

Scotland will stuff the Netherlands in the Cricket World Cup!

I think I've covered that pretty well.

So far I'm enjoying the cup and I'm not dissapointed in my countries showing at all, especially Smith's getting a best ever of 51 against an opponent like Australia. We know we're minnows and even Fat Boab, who appeared to have been hijacked on his way back from Majorca to fill out numbers, did okay against the Aussies.

I'm more looking forward to The Black Caps fucking England over on Friday though. Let's face it England will be lucky if the make it to the semis. Years of throwing out random ODI teams then getting awfy chuffed when you stumble across a few wee wins does not a World Cup winning team make whilst New Zealand seem to have been building themselves up in recent years and I have a lot of faith in the return of Shane Bond. He's called Bond for fucks sake folks! I'm not sure if New Zealand can win and I believe this'll be a close competition but I truly believe they'll beat England.

Although not beat as truly as the way that The Saltires will beat Netherland though!

Garry plays a bit of cricket

So in my manic anticipation of the ICC Cricket World Cup I downloaded the Brian Lara's Cricket 2007 demo tonight for a looksee before I get the game at the end of the month.

My first disappointment was that this didn't have a two player option which was a major feature of the 2005 demo and guaranteed I bought the game. A bit of a missed opportunity for new players there and I know it made it more difficult for some mates. Otherwise I do have to say the graphics are still only touching next-gen though the player animation is very very good. Weirdly most of the players featured just look wrong, Flintoff in particular is made to look like a jowly git though there is a really good animation of him fucking up a bowl, except for Shane Watson who is a spitting image of the youung Aussie himself. So it's all okay as long as the Shanester is there in all his mullet glory. I do hope that the finished code is a touch better though.

Gameplaywise I feel little has radically changed but everything has been refined. At bat I felt more in control whilst at bowl I was tantalised by the feeling I had more options at my fingerprints than came up in the 5 second flash of buttons. Both are clearly designed for pick up and play with extra options dependent on both your knowledge of cricket and skill at gaming. It's a balance that Codemasters were clearly striving for in the last game and are clearly moving even further in to. My only possible problem is with fielding which, in the demo at least, has become a little too twitch orientated for my liking.

In short I wish the demo had included a versus mode to let us see how the game really works but what's there shows a highly playable and very accessible sports game that many will miss out on because it's cricket. I'll buy the game and believe that's it's worth a rental by anybody.

This actually came from a forum where I just meant to ask if anybody had checked out the demo, I'm a bit black affronted at how long it goes on for.

Keeping it random

I'm not incredibly motivated for the old blogging at the moment but you've got tae give it a go eh?

I posted this elsewhere after taking my nephew to an ice cream van but best make the most of it. Sometimes I'm quite impressed by how weird organised crime can actually be especially when you find out about stuff like the Mafia Pizza Connection but nothing has ever struck me as quite as weird as the Glasgow Ice Cream Wars which was a very violent turf war between none other than ice-cream van owners that ended with attempted shootings, murder by arson and a twenty year legal battle through the Scottish courts. Of course these guys were selling 'sweeties' as well as ice cream but it's still fascinating in a fucked up way.

Check out The Scotsman for some more detail.

In more recent and parochial news the Tele reports a Dundee fan has been banned from Dens after shouting racial abuse at Jason Scotland during a home game against St Johnstone last month. This is only too right racism should be seen as completely unacceptable in sport and players like Scotland have brought a lot to Sottish football.

In less parochial and more Dundee is the Rock'n'Roll Capital of the World the lead singer of the new Greatest Rock Band in the World as first mentioned by me months ago The View's Kyle Falconer had travel up from their triumphant night at the NME Awards for a special appearance at Dundee Sheriff Court for a bag of charlie found in his pocket after a gig. Now I know Sheriff Arthurson commented on his role model status and many of you will agree that he's being a terrible influence on the youngsters of today, I can hear the cries of 'think of the children' as I type but sod that this young man is just doing his job. It is the right and expected place of young rock stars to take as much drugs, have sex with as many young girls and make complete prats of themselves at as many parties as possible. One of my favourite stories from the last ten years was the bassist of those other great Scottish rockers Primal Scream getting knifed whilst out partying in New York but not noticing because he was so off his head on everything he could get his hands on now that's a man showing commitment to his chosen profession.

In more personal news the council has finally got it's collective finger out of it's arse and confirmed our wedding venue so we'll be sending out the invites real soon now. It's a bit of a weight off the auld shoulders really. Which reminds me of a letter in last weeks Tele,

No regard for park users

I HAVE had several frustrating discussions with Dundee City Council officials over the past week or so regarding the works being carried out to the main terrace through Baxter Park.

I am disgusted at the total disregard being shown to public.

The closure of the terrace without any prior warning means the park has been divided in two.

I urge anyone with similar concerns, or anyone being inconvenienced going to or from Albert Street, to contact his or her local councillor.

If anyone would like to discuss this with me first, please phone 07838230646. — Parklife.

Now Mr Parklife, if that is your real name and if not why try to be anonymous whilst handing out your phone no, I understand your frustrations but some of us are trying to plan for once in a lifetime events and to be totally frank don't give a flying fuck about a sodding minor inconvenience to you. Don't you have something better to do than hassle the council about something that's going to disappear in a few weeks? Wanker. If anybody would like to forward my feelings or even add your own the number is included. Remember texting is cheap wherever you are and can be incredibly satisfying.

Slightly more humiliating is that my XBox 360 has started blogging and not only is the wee man funnier than me he manages to do it every day the git! Apart from that I've mostly been using my state of the art console to play Doom. Yup I have a £300 console and I use it to play a 15yr old game, Rosa is not impressed.

I'm also still playing Oblivion but I'll talk about that and Patrick Fucking Stewart next time.