Uh Oh We're In Trouble!

A short missive because I seem to have not blogged in some time. I've tried on a few different reasons for this and none of them seem to fit. In the end I think it's been a general laziness with the whole intraweb thing mixed with a growing unease about the upcoming nuptials.

Now don't be worried I'm just as sure as ever about getting wed to the daft Kiwigirl and it seems she's still deluded enough to think I'm worth it but this whole wedding thing is a complete pain. The bastard thing creeps into every part of your life until it seems everybody's talking about it and just when you seem to escape you find yourself babbling on about it. After this you start to chuck on everybodies elses expectations and you end up in some sort of twilight zone. It's late over here and I feel the need to shoot things in console land so I'll give you one really weird example...

Asking the Father of the Bride for her hand in marriage.

Now I personally consider this sort of crap to have gone out with brothel creepers and would never have considered asking Rosa's Dad as fucked up a question as this and wasn't surprised when Rosa said that despite being a bit old-fashioned it's not something he would expect. Now this is all knowing that Rosa's Dad is a Portuguese Catholic who could reasonably be expected to be a bit traditional, it's no a bad thing to be traditional, but if he didn't have trust in his children Rosa wouldn't be who she is. Contrast this with the lassies in my workplace who were all dying to know about me asking for my girls hand in marriage and what the father said. This is quite a wide mixture of age and education that all thought that decades of feminist thought should be thrown aside because it's 'romantic' for somebody to ask for their ownership. The question of course is what would happen if their fathers said no? Would they actually cast aside the love of their life because their dad wasnae keen? This sort of shite permeates peeps ideas about what weddings should be and it is really worrying. People are really fucked up!

Suffice to say it was important for both Rosa and I to speak to the respective parents and both her Mum and Dad were absolutely lovely when we dropped the bombshell, as were my auld dears, and whilst I'm quietly crapping myself about it I'm sure they'll be great when they come across.

Anyway it's now 5 weeks till the day so I promise to blog at least once a week til then.

The World was a mess but his hair was perfect

Well it's been a funny month since I last blogged. In awfy good news my sister is no longer marrying the abusive English bloke in Spain this week mainly because, as my niece Caroline says, he's a fucking psycho. I never realised how much of a weight on my shoulders the whole sister marrying fuckwit was until I heard this though it's still unlikely that she'll be coming to the wedding. Still a relief though likesay.

The wedding itself seems to be almost sorted with kilts and rings ordered, venues organised and food being prepared. All that's left is getting the invites out, sorting out the music with the DJ and organising transport for the wedding party. We were in town at the beginning of the month looking at all the stuff we could have bought with the money we're spending on this, actually quite cheap compared to most, day and wondering whose fault it all is. Turns out it's mine but there you go eh? Saying all that I'm really looking forward to us all getting together for a big party that's all about me!

And that weird Kiwi I suppose.

In other news I was out for my mate Danny's smoker the other week which was fun but obviously not fun enough as I seem to have drunkenly ended up at his girl Claires smoker in The Cage which is a rock/goth club that I only ever end up in when I'm pished out my skull and always hate it. Claire's always fun to dance with though.

This of course led to us having to go to the actual wedding last Saturday which was fun though it did remind me how much I hate the special Hell that is wedding receptions and I hereby choose not to commit to staying the full evening at ours if there's a chance of getting a squad of us together to head down to The Reading Rooms to check out a band and drink some of that special voodoo juice known as Red Stripe. I know this is going against all tradition but if it gets me out of having to dance with all my aunties what can I do?

You know why living in South Africa is shitty?

Because you don't get to watch Frost and Peggs Perfect Night In.

Take it Eddyboy take it!

Parochial news day

I'm refusing to make any comment on the utter shambles that was the recent Scottish elections however tempted I am to mention breweries and pissups. Anyway there's much more important news in Dundee,

United want Jason back
	JASON SCOTLAND (right) could be set for return to the SPL with former club Dundee United.
Dundee United want Jason Scotland back at Tannadice (write Graeme Finnan and James Masson).
The Trinidad and Tobago international was a big hit with fans during his first spell at the club, which ended in controversy when he was surprisingly refused a fresh work permit two years ago. That subsequently led to him signing for St Johnstone and the 28-year-old has continued to show his class in the First Division, bagging 25 goals for Saints this season. That’s triggered interest from several clubs and, although United boss Craig Levein was unavailable for comment, Saints manager Owen Coyle confirmed the Tangerines are one of them. However, with Scotland’s contract running until the final week in August, the McDiarmid Park club would be looking for some form of financial compensation if one of their prize assets was to move on. “Craig (Levein) called me out of courtesy to let me know of his interest in Jason, and I appreciate the gesture,” said Owen. “We haven’t given up on Jason, but, obviously, finance always comes into play. “He is under contract here until the end of August, so we can play him for the first month of next season. Any club wanting him before then will have to pay compensation.” Meanwhile, following yesterday’s news that goalkeeper Derek Stillie will quit United at the end of the season to pursue a career in law down south, the Tannadice outfit have been looking at a possible replacement. Polish goalie Lucasz Zaluska is currently on trial at the club. The 24-year-old plays for Korona Kielce in his homeland. McINNES SIGNS St Johnstone midfielder Derek McInnes has re-signed for the club on a one-year deal. “I am delighted that Derek has signed as he has done well for us on and off the park,” said Owen. Paul Sheerin, Simon Mensing and Scotland are the only three Saints still to pen new deals.

I'm sure you're all aware of the love for Scotland in the Gourlay/Mendes household and we all hope that the Tangerines can scrape the finances together to bring him back home.

Monopoly vote

I URGE people to vote for Dundee to get onto the new UK Here And Now Monopoly board game. We are currently in fifth place and it would be great if we could get the city up as high as possible. — Nathen Tyrrell, Dornie Place, Dundee.

Now this I can get behind. C'mon boys and girls cast your vote for the City of Discovery here.

Sadly there's been no recent news about the greatest rock band in the world The View but the Tele did receive this letter.

Don’t forget about McFly

McFly.

A LOT has been written about The View and Arctic Monkeys playing at the Caird Hall but not about McFly ,who performed there on April 6. McFly are a chart-topping band who did a great concert with all their hits and more. I was there with my eight-year-old daughter and we loved it and are so glad that a big group like McFly came to Dundee. — Sharon and Louise, Dundee.

I've been trying hard to forget about sodding McFly for months and you two have to go and remind me.

And finally a piece of shocking news,

Bald men

I AM constantly amazed at the number of bald men in Dundee. A visitor could be forgiven for thinking there was some kind of giant Right Said Fred look-alike competition taking place. Wigs should have to be worn in public places. — Snappy Chappy.

Whilst I've never noticed this outbreak of baldiness in Jute City I vow to keep my eyes peeled for slapheads from now on. Perhaps I'll start carrying some hats to hand out to the follicly challenged so Mr S Chappy is not so offended.

Separated at birth!

My good friend Graeme


And Nasser Hussain


The resemblance is truly scary.

For Rosa

Love For Love

Ithers seek they ken na what,
Features, carriage, and a' that;
Gie me love in her I court,
Love to love maks a' the sport.

Let love sparkle in her e'e;
Let her lo'e nae man but me;
That's the tocher-gude I prize,
There the luver's treasure lies.

Okay boys you can stop making videos now...

Because what's the point after Hump de Bump?

You lot have all probably seen this before but numptyboy here has mainly been listening to Ukranian folk music and Billy Bragg which left me right out of the loop.

We could crawl but I'd rather drive she said!

Once again a big gap in my blogging but frankly I've been too fair puggled from my new mode of transport to get up the energy. You see both I and Rosa have been getting increasingly fed up with the gym over the last four or five months as it became massively over-susbscribed and starting letting families bring their weans in on weekends so we decided it was time to tell them to get tae and invest in a different keep fit so there was only one solution.

I bought a bike.

Not a motorcycle that would make me feel all easy rider in a Julian Cope/Jimi Hendrix stylee or even a cool wee moped that would go with my German army parka and give a whole Quadrophenia vibe.

A pushbike.

Now I'm given to understand that a lot of people actually enjoy bicycling. I've even met a few and some of them have even been British but they were all quite strange anyway. I mean the biggest biking event in the World is the Tour de France and every competitor in that is on drugs, they tell you it's performance enhancing but I honestly believe you need a good puff of crack to even consider going in for that and there's tons of bikes in the Netherlands which is a country full of peeps on drugs. Marieke, Rosas brother Eds wife, is a very keen biker and generally seems a nice normal girl apart from her deep hatred of baboons but looking at the evidence she's probably secretly mental.

Anyway so we spent a wad of cash on a bicycle and associated paraphenalia, though I did manage to avoid buying a dayglo bodystocking or anything like that, for me to ride to and from work on. I was a little worried that I might crap out after a day or two so I implemented the cunning plan of spending all my travelling cash on beer thus forcing me to use the bike albeit with a massive hangover. So there I was first thing in the morning, MP3 playing cool indie-rock into my ears, rad skater helmet on my head when I realised the really really major flaw in my plan.

I live on a hill.

Quite a big hill actually. In fact now I come to mention it there's a bloody extinct volcano in between me and my work, not exactly Mount Etna or anything but enough to make sure that I've got to go around the bloody thing and frankly going up hills is a hell of a lot harder nowadays than it was when I was 12. This is compounded by the bike having 21 gears. What the Hell am I supposed to do with 21 gears? When I was young 8 or 12 gears was a lot and they were generally the sole province of nutters with racing bikes, I spend most of the time guessing what gear I should be in and hoping that the chain won't come loose. Even worse it seems that there are drivers out there who want to kill me. Now I'm quite used to peeps wanting to kill me, usually within an hour of meeting me, but these peeps haven't even met me and they seem hellbent on running me over. It's not the peeps in Micras or Fiestas either it's always blokes in gigantic 4x4's with massive bull bars who seem offended by my very existence. So every morning I arrive at work wringing with sweat, a fearful gleam in my eye and very very shaky legs. Bloody bike!

To be fair I'm actually enjoying some of it. Every morning I get the choice of riding along beside the most beautiful river in the world and saying hello to Dundee's very own highland cattle or taking different routes and rediscovering parts of my home city I've not seen in years, it wakes me up for work in the morning and let's me de-stress in the evening as I concentrate on trucking right and listening to my music and I do feel a weird twisted sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. Now all I've got to do is move somewhere flat.

As I made the move to shrink my carbon footprint Rosa went the other way and bought a car. It's quite a nice Hyundai Elantra 1.6 litre and was definitely needed as the wee Micra whilst a good car was really not designed for the amount of countryside driving the girls work runs to so even though it seems strangely grownup it's a good buy.

And for the last big buy of the month I'm typing this on our new computer that my very good friend Pete built for us at an amazingly low price. To be honest whilst the dual-processors are incredible and Vista Ultimate 64 is really really cool we really only needed an PC that took less than an hour to startup but Pete seemed so excited it seemed churlish to say no. The decision to have it built definitely had nothing to do with the way my XBox 360 hooks up to the media centre allowing all my music and videos stored on the PC to be played through it. Honest.

Don't worry kidders we are still working on the wedding an a'that but I'll bitch about that another time. :)

You know what I'm doing that you're not?

I finally managed to pick up Brian Lara Cricket 2007 this morning and it's sweet as though there are some glitches. I'll tell more after spending tomorrow playing it with mates. Now if only you peeps would get Xbox 360's and broadband we could get a game on.

Parochial News Day

It's a while since I've blogged about the local goings on in the City of Discovery so I thought it's time to have a look especially as someone dear to us all has contributed to the vibrant debates about life in the fair city,

Don’t pick the daffs

ON MORE than one occasion recently, I have seen groups of people emerging from Baxter Park, Dundee, clutching big bunches of freshly-picked daffodils. ON MORE than one occasion recently, I have seen groups of people emerging from Baxter Park, Dundee, clutching big bunches of freshly-picked daffodils.

More often than not they have young children with them. What kind of a role model is this providing?

Are they going to “blame the kids” the next time something is stolen/vandalised from local amenities?

Also, when walking through Baxter Park, I note that many of the flower beds are trampled.

Would the people who think it’s okay to pick flowers from parks think it’s okay to pick flowers from private gardens? It’s the same thing. — Flower Girl.

[Our photographer took this picture of trampled and damaged daffs in Baxter Park.]

I can reveal that Flower Girl is none other than our own dear Rosa who after witnessing this heinous crime decided enough was enough and it was time to resort to the ultimate sanction in any true Dundonians armoury and write a stern letter to The Tele. I now rest assured that the perpetrators are black affronted at their behaviour being made public and will mend their larcenous ways. It's also nice to enter the esteemed company of people like our next contributor,

Bring back hanging

IT IS about time the Government did something about crime. Politicians are very hard on smokers and they have to toe the line.

But those who take drugs or have a drink problem are still getting off.

I am often shocked at the sentences given out for assault.

Criminals sent to jail come out and do the same things again. Jail cannot be that bad or they wouldn’t want to go back.

Bring back hanging and the birch. There would be a big drop in crime. — O.A.P.

It's good to see the older generation showing such depth of wisdom and compassion in a confusing modern world when it would be so much easier to reach for simplistic, reactionary solutions. The day we stopped beating criminal scum was just the beginning of the slippery slope that leads to us not being allowed to beat our own children dammit!

In the news section on Friday we had our obligatory story about Dundee's very own rock superstars The View,

Dundee chart-topping band The View returned to their home town to make their latest video. Double A-side The Don and Skag Trendy will feature images from Dryburgh, where band members Kieren Webster, Steve Morrison, Pete Reilly and Kyle Falconer grew up.

The View went to number one with their debut album Hats Off To The Buskers.

We are incredibly proud of the wee lads and the album is pretty sodding good though hearing songs about Dundee in the charts and seeing the city in videos is incredibly weird. Either way get hold of the album now and if you're up my way I'll take you for a pint in the Campbelltown Bar. though just mind and dinnae pick the daffies!

Scotland will stuff the Netherlands in the Cricket World Cup!

I think I've covered that pretty well.

So far I'm enjoying the cup and I'm not dissapointed in my countries showing at all, especially Smith's getting a best ever of 51 against an opponent like Australia. We know we're minnows and even Fat Boab, who appeared to have been hijacked on his way back from Majorca to fill out numbers, did okay against the Aussies.

I'm more looking forward to The Black Caps fucking England over on Friday though. Let's face it England will be lucky if the make it to the semis. Years of throwing out random ODI teams then getting awfy chuffed when you stumble across a few wee wins does not a World Cup winning team make whilst New Zealand seem to have been building themselves up in recent years and I have a lot of faith in the return of Shane Bond. He's called Bond for fucks sake folks! I'm not sure if New Zealand can win and I believe this'll be a close competition but I truly believe they'll beat England.

Although not beat as truly as the way that The Saltires will beat Netherland though!

Garry plays a bit of cricket

So in my manic anticipation of the ICC Cricket World Cup I downloaded the Brian Lara's Cricket 2007 demo tonight for a looksee before I get the game at the end of the month.

My first disappointment was that this didn't have a two player option which was a major feature of the 2005 demo and guaranteed I bought the game. A bit of a missed opportunity for new players there and I know it made it more difficult for some mates. Otherwise I do have to say the graphics are still only touching next-gen though the player animation is very very good. Weirdly most of the players featured just look wrong, Flintoff in particular is made to look like a jowly git though there is a really good animation of him fucking up a bowl, except for Shane Watson who is a spitting image of the youung Aussie himself. So it's all okay as long as the Shanester is there in all his mullet glory. I do hope that the finished code is a touch better though.

Gameplaywise I feel little has radically changed but everything has been refined. At bat I felt more in control whilst at bowl I was tantalised by the feeling I had more options at my fingerprints than came up in the 5 second flash of buttons. Both are clearly designed for pick up and play with extra options dependent on both your knowledge of cricket and skill at gaming. It's a balance that Codemasters were clearly striving for in the last game and are clearly moving even further in to. My only possible problem is with fielding which, in the demo at least, has become a little too twitch orientated for my liking.

In short I wish the demo had included a versus mode to let us see how the game really works but what's there shows a highly playable and very accessible sports game that many will miss out on because it's cricket. I'll buy the game and believe that's it's worth a rental by anybody.

This actually came from a forum where I just meant to ask if anybody had checked out the demo, I'm a bit black affronted at how long it goes on for.

Keeping it random

I'm not incredibly motivated for the old blogging at the moment but you've got tae give it a go eh?

I posted this elsewhere after taking my nephew to an ice cream van but best make the most of it. Sometimes I'm quite impressed by how weird organised crime can actually be especially when you find out about stuff like the Mafia Pizza Connection but nothing has ever struck me as quite as weird as the Glasgow Ice Cream Wars which was a very violent turf war between none other than ice-cream van owners that ended with attempted shootings, murder by arson and a twenty year legal battle through the Scottish courts. Of course these guys were selling 'sweeties' as well as ice cream but it's still fascinating in a fucked up way.

Check out The Scotsman for some more detail.

In more recent and parochial news the Tele reports a Dundee fan has been banned from Dens after shouting racial abuse at Jason Scotland during a home game against St Johnstone last month. This is only too right racism should be seen as completely unacceptable in sport and players like Scotland have brought a lot to Sottish football.

In less parochial and more Dundee is the Rock'n'Roll Capital of the World the lead singer of the new Greatest Rock Band in the World as first mentioned by me months ago The View's Kyle Falconer had travel up from their triumphant night at the NME Awards for a special appearance at Dundee Sheriff Court for a bag of charlie found in his pocket after a gig. Now I know Sheriff Arthurson commented on his role model status and many of you will agree that he's being a terrible influence on the youngsters of today, I can hear the cries of 'think of the children' as I type but sod that this young man is just doing his job. It is the right and expected place of young rock stars to take as much drugs, have sex with as many young girls and make complete prats of themselves at as many parties as possible. One of my favourite stories from the last ten years was the bassist of those other great Scottish rockers Primal Scream getting knifed whilst out partying in New York but not noticing because he was so off his head on everything he could get his hands on now that's a man showing commitment to his chosen profession.

In more personal news the council has finally got it's collective finger out of it's arse and confirmed our wedding venue so we'll be sending out the invites real soon now. It's a bit of a weight off the auld shoulders really. Which reminds me of a letter in last weeks Tele,

No regard for park users

I HAVE had several frustrating discussions with Dundee City Council officials over the past week or so regarding the works being carried out to the main terrace through Baxter Park.

I am disgusted at the total disregard being shown to public.

The closure of the terrace without any prior warning means the park has been divided in two.

I urge anyone with similar concerns, or anyone being inconvenienced going to or from Albert Street, to contact his or her local councillor.

If anyone would like to discuss this with me first, please phone 07838230646. — Parklife.

Now Mr Parklife, if that is your real name and if not why try to be anonymous whilst handing out your phone no, I understand your frustrations but some of us are trying to plan for once in a lifetime events and to be totally frank don't give a flying fuck about a sodding minor inconvenience to you. Don't you have something better to do than hassle the council about something that's going to disappear in a few weeks? Wanker. If anybody would like to forward my feelings or even add your own the number is included. Remember texting is cheap wherever you are and can be incredibly satisfying.

Slightly more humiliating is that my XBox 360 has started blogging and not only is the wee man funnier than me he manages to do it every day the git! Apart from that I've mostly been using my state of the art console to play Doom. Yup I have a £300 console and I use it to play a 15yr old game, Rosa is not impressed.

I'm also still playing Oblivion but I'll talk about that and Patrick Fucking Stewart next time.

The first rule of Mime Club...

Is that you do not talk!

General havers

I'd like to apologise to my reader for not posting in the last fortnight as I've been no well I'm afraid. Since I've been off work not much happening here so I'm just generally blethering about what's been entertaining me.

In order to avoid the whole Valentines Day nonsense Rosa and I went to see Hot Fuzz the new film from Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg and it was truly laugh out loud funny in it's satire of English village life mixed with as many Hollywood action movie cliches as can possible be put in. A special note has to go to Timothy Dalton who is clearly having the time of his life playing the manager of the local Somerfield. This is a must see if you enjoyed Shaun of the Dead and Spaced and live in South Africa. Everybody else should go too.

I've also been watching the old Channel 4 six-parter Ultraviolet this week. For those who never came across it Jack Davenport plays a police detective whose partner is turned into a vampire which leads him to joining a shadowy organisation that hunts the vamps. It's a silly idea that works because it's done completely straight making it quite reminiscent of television espionage or police dramas. Good stuff then which is only slightly let down by Davenport who never quite convinces in his role. How on earth do we end up with Torchwood when stuff like this isn't continued?

I also got an XBox 360 from the girl at Christmas and it is absolutely fantastic. Currently I've been sucked into Oblivion which is an incredibly large first-person rpg in which you can go anywhere. My character Gadje McNed has turned out to be a right nasty piece of work who will literally steal anything not nailed down. Good stuff. I got Splinter Cell Double Agent with the machine and whilst I love this and all the other games in this sneaking stylee series it reminds me of the first one in which I took six months trying to get around a corner due to it's rather extreme difficulty, I still love it though. And the last game I'm sucked into is Gears of War the big shooter from last Christmas. The single player game is everything promised with cover being vital and this is improved with a fantastic online co-op game. Unfortunately once you go into an online versus game the cover mechanic is thrown out of the window leaving you with a disappointing run around and shoot peeps game. You still get to shoot your mates in the face though so it's not a complete waste.

A bit of drfunken blogging

Sorry peeps but I've got to do this drfunk or not at all and yes you can call me Doctor Funk for this evening, I've even put Sly and The Family Stone on for Funk Gods sake!

This has been a pretty hard week for me as I not only got confirmation that my sister and her two youngest won't be coming to our wedding but she's planning to marry the obviously abusive Londoner called Darren in June. Putting aside the fact that both me and Rosa think that somebody we've never met is an abusive partner what the fuck is Angela doing here? I never saw myself as the marrying type but when it came up the only peeps I cared about being there were my auld dears my sisters and heir kids. Angela has torn a large part of my heart out.

On the other hand fuck her. I want you here if you can, I would count Ed as a mate without loving his sister and Sara hand I are going to be legendary, but I'm going to stop worrying about who comes. Marrying Rosa's the important thing for me and it's all I really want.

Frankly I'm tempted to get married beforehand and spend my honeymoon time wandering Europe with Ed and Marieke but that won't happen.

My sister and the kids not coming to my wedding has left an awful hollow space inside me.

And in today's Parochial News

A picture from about 40 years ago of where I live .

Sit-in call for NCR plant

THE 650 WORKERS to be sacked by NCR should resist the closure of their plant and occupy it in a bid to make the US management change their minds, an economics lecturer at Dundee University said last night.

In what appeared to be encouragement for a return to the flexing of industrial muscle of the 70s and 80s, Dr Carlo Morelli maintained the last Dundee occupation—at the Timex factory at Milton of Craigie—while failing to halt the closure, prevented further manufacturing closures in the city.

He said, “If management at NCR will not manage, the workers should do it themselves.

“They are perfectly able to manufacture a number of things there but everything that may happen is predicated on one thing—that the redundancies are resisted and the way to do that is through the occupation of the factory.”

Dr Morelli pointed out that— unlike Timex or Upper Clyde Shipbuilders, which were heading for meltdown anyway—NCR was a very profitable company with no financial reason for closure except profit.

He said, “What we have is a company doing extremely well and simply trying to maximise its profits from its manufacturing process.

“This is all being driven by the financial rationale of a globalised financial system and the people who are paying the price are 650 NCR workers and their families.”

It was a manufacturing plant with a highly-skilled workforce, he said, and the question is how the workers can challenge the decision to close the plant.

“The solution would be for the workers to take control and challenge the management’s right to manage.

“If they will not manage, then the workers can do it themselves.

“This is exactly the kind of thing that is starting to emerge in Latin America, and if the workers at NCR adopt this approach, you can bet your bottom dollar it would get a huge measure of support not just in Dundee and throughout the UK but globally.”

Dr Morelli (pictured) said resistance by workers and unions, scuppered Ford’s plans to establish a factory in Dundee which would have undercut wages and conditions in the rest of the motor industry.

“I think action by the NCR workforce can change minds.

“They could occupy the plant, carry on making cash machines or other items which they could do very efficiently, but these questions can’t be asked until they challenge the redundancy plans.

“It may well be that NCR will change their view and say they will keep the plant open.”

I'm really not sure how I feel about this. The Timex strike was a really bad time in Dundee and it's easy to say that it resulted in companies not being able to undercut conditions and pay in industry but it was Dundonians who suffered in the end. If workers were to go through with an action like this I would support them but I'd have real doubts about the outcome. It's all a worry really.

Rangers 5-0 Dundee United

This and the New Years Day stuffing by Falkirk are not good but I refuse to get down about this. The team Levein played on New Years day was the exact team that beat Aberdeen two days earlier and the fact that they gave the game away in the second half shows how tired they were. Rangers had just got rig of they're idiot manager Le Guen after, in a bid to prove who was in charge, he told Rangers and Scotland captain Barry Ferguson that he would never play for the club again. Suffice to say Le Guen found out who was in charge and got replaced by Scotland coach Walter Smith last week and Ferguson captained the team against United. Whatever else I think of him, and I'me very angry that he abandoned the Scotland job, Smith is an inspired manager who did fantastically with Rangers in the 90's and there's normally a change in how the team plays when a bad manager is sacked so I'll take the drubbing with good grace.

I'm still pissed off that Smith abandoning the Scotland job means we probably won't get into Euro'08 though. :(

In which Garry wanders through Youtube

You know when I started blogging last year I though this is it finally my voice will be heard, lives will be touched by my startling prose, deep-seated political views will be changed and we will all begin to question Globalisation, the Free Market Economy and Economic Imperialism. From this small beginning we would enter a new golden age of peace, love and understanding and McFly would be sacrificed to Mighty Cthulhu in an orgy of blood and violence!!!

Sorry got a bit carried away there.

Instead I've mainly bitched about letters to the local paper, inflicted my favourite poems on you and wittered about music. Och well eh?

Anyway last night I opened a bottle of beer and sat down to begin my great crusade against the forces of oppression. This was it I was finally going to make my mark on the world.

Right after checking out my Hogmanay videos on Youtube. They'rr from Stonehaven and I quite like the peeps throwing fire about but from there it was all downhill. You see the problwm with Youtube is that there's just so much fantastic crap on it that you never seem to get around to checking it out but last night it turned out that I had plenty time and plenty beer to finally check out the good stuff.

For true brilliance the first place to go is sunny Turkey famous as the gateway to the Middle East, future member of the EU if they can ever get around to stopping the Kurd oppression bit and purveyors of dodgy film rip-offs the most famous being Turkish Star Wars with it's blatant stealing off Star Wars footage blended cunningly in with the story of two middle-aged space pilots who crash on a desert planet and proceed to battle dodgy evil peeps. Highlights include a fabulous training montage in which you get to see our heroes buff bodies as they build up their kewl powerz by hitting rocks, the cantina fight scene with it's Turkish kung fu and a subtle plot full of romance and danger. I don't know much about art but I know hilarious crap when I see it and this is it. Sublime.

Close behind in brilliance comes Turkish Superman with it's ground-breaking special effects and powerful central performance. Frankly Superman is scary as hell in this film.

But ludicrous films are not just the provenance of our European cousins our American ones can be just as bad. In the 90's schlock director Roger Corman owned the rights to make a Fantastic Four movie but he had to make a movie in order to retain. At the last minute they threw together the first Fantastic Four movie at the last moment. The whole movie's there in 10 minute chunks if you can bear it. I recommend it if only for Reed Richards ludicrous haircut.

I've also come across peeps just being daft I mean why would anybody dare to try the MC Hammer Dance when we know that Rosa is the true mistress of the Hammerstylee even if she's a little out of practice and says she'll batter me if I ever put up a video of her getting down. I'm a little disappointed that the actual episodes of Red vs Blue have been taken down due to Disney releasing them as DVD's as it is a piece of genius which should be loved in that special was by all Halo fans Bowchickawowow!

So it looks like the human race is doomed to keep repeating all the same mistakes but at least we've got plenty of hilariously funny videos to watch as civilization falls and hey you never know I might get around to posting my 10 point plan to solve the Middle East crisis later. Right after I check out these Sims 2 videos though.

Shocking Parochial News

NCR jobs bombshell

NCR today dealt Dundee a devastating jobs blow, with 650 posts being axed from its manufacturing plant at Wester Gourdie. Amid anger and tears, staff were told at a mass meeting that what was once a city industrial giant will, by the summer, be reduced to a skeleton operation of around 100.

Swingeing cuts had been expected in light of increasing competition for work from the company’s factory in Hungary, where costs are lower.

But employees streaming out the gates of the factory after today’s announcement said they were stunned at the extent of the redundancies, announced via video-link from America.

Said one, “We knew it was going to be bad, but 650 jobs is a shock. People are very upset, very angry. What do we do now?”

NCR Corporation said in a statement it plans to shift the focus of its automatic teller machine manufacturing in Dundee to “new product introduction and production of low volume, high complexity products.”

The company cited a changing market environment and competitive pressures for the decision to cease high-volume manufacture of ATM products in the city.

Management said they anticipated that current manufacturing-related positions in Dundee will be reduced by approximately by 650 by mid 2007 — a proposal subject to consultation with unions.

Controversially, given recent assurances to the contrary, the company confirmed the work will be shifted to the plant at Budapest, as well as Beijing and India.

After more than 60 years NCR shafts it's Dundee workforce so it can outsource the labour to Hungary and China and no doubt increase shareholder confidence. In the 1980's both Reagan and Thatcher talked about how loyalty to corporations would result in their loyalty to the workforce and a lot of people believed their lies. Since then we've had Timex leave Dundee and more recently Tesco and and Michelin cut jobs across the board and the same thing is happening all across the country normally in already deprived areas. For a small city with high unemployement like Dundee the loss of 650 jobs can be crippling for the local economy.

Workers gutted.

Reacting to the devastating news Fintry man George Devlin (42) emerged from the meeting a broken man. He said emotions were running high inside the NCR plant.

“They never even told anybody who’s going, they just said 650 will go by the middle of the year. They just told us it is in the hands of the union.

“Inside it is just total anger and disgust at the management.

“Last year they told us a big pack of lies.

“They said the Hungary plant was never going to affect the Dundee plant.

“I believe Hungary without a doubt has affected us.

“I think there has been one factory in Canada closed, one in Brazil and one somewhere else I can’t remember. They seemed just to be keeping places where they can get cheap labour.”

Mr Devlin, the father of three young children, said he was so disgusted with the news he walked out before the meeting ended.

“I walked out because I didn’t want to listen to it any more.

“The head man wasn’t even there, he was on a video ‘I cant be there’ blah, blah blah.

“Inside the meeting they were not answering questions, it was just a big shouting match.

“There are women in there crying one of whom has been there 36 years. She couldn’t even speak on the microphone: she was so upset she couldn’t even talk.

“I have only been there two-and-a-half years, but I feel really sorry for people who have been there a lot longer.

“It does look bleak for me now. There’s talk on Michelin going down the same road. I don’t have a clue what’s coming for me now.

“I think we will get compensation of some sort but it does not make up for not having a job.”

Asked what the future now held for him, he said, “It’s bleak, very bleak.”

Kevin McKenzie said, “My wife doesn’t have a job and it looks like I’ll not have one either after this.”

Scott McIntosh from Hilltown, a test technician, said, “They’ve not got a care about the working person — they’re only interested in the bottom line and more money for the shareholders.

“It is sad for the workforce and sad for the people with young families.”

Charleston man Derek Shaw (49) said, “I hope they stay in Dundee at least in some form.”

Peter Gow (62), of Ardler, said before the meeting, “Over the last few months the speculation has been detrimental to the whole workforce regarding the status of the company here.

“Last year promises the company made that Hungary would not be detrimental here look questionable today.

“I feel in the long term there is going to be a reduction (in production) of some form.

“We can only hope the outcome today is not as drastic as we may fear.”

Frances Tanbini (63), of Dundee, said she would not be substantially affected given her age, but added, “I do feel sorry for younger members of the workforce.”

But all of that's okay as long as the shareholders are happy. Makes me sick!