Falkirk 5-1 Dundee United

I've been an Arab all my life, I've ballboyed for them in European competition, watched them stuff Benfica and Barcelona and stopped going to Scottish Cup finals just in time for them to win.

Nothing has prepared me for this.

5-1 from fucking Falkirk!

Fucking Falkirk!

Rosa and I watched the highlights in the pub and United were practically scoring the goals for fucking Falkirk! The only bright light was Colin Samuels goal, go you Trinidad & Tobago boys, but this is easily the worst United side I've seen in my life and take my word for it it's been a bad decade or so!

The worst poet ever recounts Dundee's worst disaster...

And one of Britains worst ever railway disasters. If you ever visit I'll show you the stumps of the bridge. But now a worse tragedy...

The Tay Bridge Disaster

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay!
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That ninety lives have been taken away
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

'Twas about seven o'clock at night,
And the wind it blew with all its might,
And the rain came pouring down,
And the dark clouds seem'd to frown,
And the Demon of the air seem'd to say-
"I'll blow down the Bridge of Tay."

When the train left Edinburgh
The passengers' hearts were light and felt no sorrow,
But Boreas blew a terrific gale,
Which made their hearts for to quail,
And many of the passengers with fear did say-
"I hope God will send us safe across the Bridge of Tay."

But when the train came near to Wormit Bay,
Boreas he did loud and angry bray,
And shook the central girders of the Bridge of Tay
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

So the train sped on with all its might,
And Bonnie Dundee soon hove in sight,
And the passengers' hearts felt light,
Thinking they would enjoy themselves on the New Year,
With their friends at home they lov'd most dear,
And wish them all a happy New Year.

So the train mov'd slowly along the Bridge of Tay,
Until it was about midway,
Then the central girders with a crash gave way,
And down went the train and passengers into the Tay!
The Storm Fiend did loudly bray,
Because ninety lives had been taken away,
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

As soon as the catastrophe came to be known
The alarm from mouth to mouth was blown,
And the cry rang out all o'er the town,
Good Heavens! the Tay Bridge is blown down,
And a passenger train from Edinburgh,
Which fill'd all the peoples hearts with sorrow,
And made them for to turn pale,
Because none of the passengers were sav'd to tell the tale
How the disaster happen'd on the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

It must have been an awful sight,
To witness in the dusky moonlight,
While the Storm Fiend did laugh, and angry did bray,
Along the Railway Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay,
Oh! ill-fated Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay,
I must now conclude my lay
By telling the world fearlessly without the least dismay,
That your central girders would not have given way,
At least many sensible men do say,
Had they been supported on each side with buttresses,
At least many sensible men confesses,
For the stronger we our houses do build,
The less chance we have of being killed.

That was by the worst poet ever to walk the earth William McGonagall.

All those wee nagging worries...

Are mostly sorted nae hass likesay. I got up early and dived down the bank to sort out stuff cashwise for going to South Africa next week, Rosa's called our mate Jenny to mind Guinness and a sudden brief panic about visas was easily cleared.

I did mention we're going to South Africa to see Rosa's brother and sister-in-law next week didn't I? No? Okay then...

Rosa and I are heading off to South Africa on Monday to visit her brother Ed and his wife Marieke.

Happy?

Anyway most of my nagging worries have gone leaving me but a few.

1. Ed and I might really hate each other resulting in an awkward holiday and years of forced politeness on holidays until our simmering rage explodes over Christmas dinner leaving any children present mentally scarred for life.

This is pretty unlikely as I'm pretty loveable, in a manly way of course, Rosa will break my fingers if I even look like I'm about to be horrible and Ed seems a nice guy.

2. Work worries.

Yeah right I'm going on holiday!

3. I called to book a venue for our wedding reception but it was already booked.

A bit of a worry but we'll find somewhere I'm sure or we could always just grab a pint and a packet of crisps.

4. Baxters Park won't be finished in time for the wedding.

Strangely enough that wasn't a worry until it somehow got into my head today.

5. Existential angst. Y'know if God doesn't exist is there any meaning to life and are any of our moral choices of any consequence and stuff like that.

That one still get's me at three in the morning but then I remember to stop being a pretentious prat.

Parochial news day

Actually this is quite important news about the venue of my upcoming marriage,

Baxter Park revamp in final phase

The final phase of a £3.5 million revamp of Dundee’s Baxter Park has been given the go ahead by the city council (writes Brian Allison, local government reporter).

A long-running restoration project, mainly funded through the Heritage Lottery, has been taking place to return the park to its original Victorian splendour. Among the major elements of the project are refurbishment of the pavilion, a new park ranger centre on the site of the former bandstand, construction of an adventure play area and restoration of the park’s ornate gates and railings. Terrace improvements and landscape works costing over £650,000 will complete the project. Contracts for the work have been awarded to T&N Gilmartin. One of the contracts involves civil engineering works at the terrace and includes drainage, footpaths, resurfacing and lighting. The second contract comprises landscaping works on the railings, installation of street furniture and signage. Leisure and communities director Stewart Murdoch said, in a report, “The resurfacing of the terrace and footpaths in a bound gravel surface is to recreate an historic appearance and complement the newly refurbished main pavilion. Lighting will be installed around the main pavilion, along the terrace and between the Park Centre and the main pavilion.” In total, the cost of the Baxter Park restoration is in excess of £3.5 million. Heritage Lottery funding of £2.839 million has been obtained along with £275,000 from Historic Scotland. The council’s leisure and communities department has contributed more than £430,000 to the project from its capital budget.

Aberdeen 3-1 Dundee United

This is getting beyond a sodding joke. If this keeps up they'll be relegated and deserve it.

That and Rosa being away again, Manchester this time, is probably why I'm feeling a bit down today, probably not helped by the fact that I've been hiding in the house playing XBox and mucking about with music all weekend instead of going out there and doing stuff. On the upside I finally got of my fat arse, I'm still not enjoying the fat thing, and did some tidying up so Rosa won't think I'm a completely lazy git when she gets back and whilst I was hoovering I remembered that the poem I've been looking for wasn't actually by Phillip Larkin at all but by Michael Ivens.

FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL
by Michael Ivens

First day at school
the large boy
kindly
hurled my ball
with amazing skill
high over the roof

soaring out of sight
out of my prosaic life

Unstintingly
I gave him
my admiration
As others have done
when their respect
money
virginity
honour hope and lives
have been hurled
triumphantly out of sight.

Okay perhaps not the cheeriest poem in the world but I like it. I'm off for a swim.

The poetry corner

For various reasons including putting off doing the hoovering I've found myself obsessively trying to hunt down a poem about schooldays that I think was written by Phillip Larkin. Haven't found it yet but I did come across another one of his I've not read in years.

This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.

It's probably his best known for very good reasons.

Have I mentioned my cousin...

David Gourlay is currently recording his first album?

Well he is. It's not really my kind of stuff but he is a really good singer and I figure quite a lot of you will like him.

Don't you ever wonder how the hell does Stevie Wonder see things?

I know you've all been desperately waiting for me to talk about music so you can find out what you're allowed to like and dislike so if we are all seated comfortably I shall let you know what I'm listening to at the moment.

I first came across Hot Chip at the BBC Big Weekend earlier this year and they blew me away with their savvy lyrics, kicking tunes and geekstyle. My mate Graham says they sound like a load of geeks who've just found out that those buttons on the synth make funny noises and want to play, this is not a bad thing in my view.

Brian Eno is a god. The godfather of ambient, a fantastic producer and a top artist. My Life in the Bush of Ghosts with David Byrne is a must buy if you even pretend to like music.

You already love Talking Heads of course so nuff said.

Damian Marley dispenses his own brand of hiphop reggae that concerns itself with todays Jamaica. He only really falls down when he tries to use his dads stuff strangely enough.

Takako Minewaka is my current fave Japanese artist with a really good electronic sound.

And if you want some great Scottish musioc check out Teenage Fanclub, Primal Scream and for all you hip kids who like being into the next big thing Dundee's very own The View.

I hate Phil Collins with a passion.

Dundee United 1-4 Celtic

Fuckfuckfuckittyfuckfuckfucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not a happy bunny!

On the upside my good mate supports Oxford United and they won today which keeps them in place on top of stupid daft league.

Rosa bought me walking boots today. I'm a little concerned that this means I've got to walk through the sodding hills of Scotland.

Hot Chip are fabulous.

Just some random stuff

Finally got around to sorting out my training program at the gym tonight and it's awfy awfy sair. Looks like I'll just have to keep pushing it until I get addicted to the old endorphins and can't stop. On the upside I'm up to a kilometre in my half-hour swim.

Sorted out a priest-type bloke for the wedding. Rev Bob said it's not a problem to turn up at 2pm on the 18th August 2007. We're diving down on Tuesday evening for a chat.

Watched XMen 3 at the weekend at it was really really bad especially considering the first two were pretty good. Also watched Brick which is a sort of high school film noir and is really really good with about 1/30 of the budget of XCrap.

I had to visit my Auntie Isobel last week because she was about to die at any moment and you know how you've got to turn up and look concerned in case they've got hidden millions. Well I found out tonight that she's apparently getting better from the whole death thing. Well she's had her visit and you only get one, next time I'm sending a card.

Since the whole Tele letters thing I've started noticing the Baby on Board sticky things more and more and they are really annoying. So far we've seen,

Babe on Board - It was in pink and to be absolutely frank the lassie driving the car wasn't really a babe. Now if it had said Minger on Board I might have nodded.

Small Person on Board - I imagine this get's used a lot when Snow Whites on at panto or there's a dwarf-throwing event going on.

Born to Shop - Fuck off!

Grandchild on Board - Well this one really depends on whose grandchild we're talking about since everybodies somebodies grandkid including the driver.

!Caution New Driver - This really irritates me because the traditional sign for a new driver in the UK is a green and white L-Plate instead of a white and red one. In other words this is a new poserish driver who needs his car taken off him.

I'm away to write into The Tele.

So I got new jeans yesterday

And I got them from the coolest shop in Dundee which makes me feel like Grandad G when I'm in it. Not that this was helped by Rosa shouting out in the middle of skater snowboardy hiphoptastic cooldaddy shop " These shorts are great cos they come with a sewing kit!".

Anyway I got cool hiphop jeans that turn into shorts so not only will I be cool in a pimp daddy stylee when I'm in South Africa my calves will be cool once I take the bottom of them off. OTOH this is the first pair of hiphop jeans I've ever bought and I can't get over the message that came with them,

Five Pointz represents the five elements of hip hop: DJ, BBoy, Graffiti, MC and Knowledge. The clothing will express each point through the design techniques having unique surprises. Each point comes together to help us all remember the true roots of hip hop culture. The turtle is the longevity and the life of hip hop culture.

Frankly I have no idea what they're talking about and just got laughed at by Rosa when I asked what a BBoy was but mibbee you folks who are more down with the scene know more. If you're wondering about the turtle reference at the end so am I as there is no turtle motif at all on the jeans.

WAHEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scotland 1-0 France

I've got loads to talk about but it's all got to go behind...

Scotland 1-0 France

It's so sweet let's try it again...

Scotland 1-0 France

So music

Third post of the day and we've not even looked at parochial news or anything!

Music-wise I've always liked to regard myself as a post-punk indiechild who definitely checked into the banging club tunes of the late eighties but nevertheless has soul and deep funk whilst always keeping an eye on the old reggae.

Damn it life was easier when I met Rosa and described my taste in music as white boys with guitars even if I then proceeded to play her Sly and the Family Stone and The Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy proving it a lie.

Dundee United News

Hearts 4-0 Dundee United

Well that's us 11th in the sodding league :-(

Wot I done on my weekend

Well apart from partying down in a gangsta stylee of course but let's take that one as a given.

Daisy: We live in a fantasy world, Tim. We've just constructed this fake utopia where y'know we never get old and never have to face the responsibilities of adulthood. We're just stretching our childhoods out as far as they can go.
Tim: Yeah, I know. We're lucky aren't we?
Daisy: I mean, I'm not going to be wearing plastic jewlery when I'm 40.

I bought and spent most of my time watching both series of Spaced in the new snazzy 3-disc collectors edition. For those of you not aware of this show it was a sitcom from the turn of the century about two 20-somethings who fake being a couple in order to get a flat and is the best sitcom ever made probably because the stars and writers are almost exactly the same age as me and big geeks.

[to a Star Wars: The Phantom Menace fan]
Tim Bisley: You are so blind! You so do not understand! You weren't there at the beginning. You don't know how good it was! How important! This is it for you! This jumped-up firework display of a toy advert! People like you make me sick! What's wrong with you? Now, I don't care if you've saved up all your fifty 'p's, take your pocket money and get out!
[the little boy runs off, crying]
Tim Bisley: What a prick.

Of course you'll know of Simon Pegg from his film Shaun of the Dead which shares a lot of the humour of Spaced and his new film Hott Fuzz is in post-production now for a release next year. I was worried that it might not be as good as I remember it but it is absolutely perfect. When Rosa got back she watched the first 5 episodes and agreed it's great though I disagree in her comparing me to Tim.

Bilbo Bagshot: What about the Ewoks eh? They were rubbish. You don't complain about them.
Tim: Yeah but Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like... fuckin'... Shaft.

I also picked up and started reading The Zombie Survival Guide. Now you lot may laugh but don't come running to me when the dead rise and you're not prepared!