So the hobbit's away

Rosa's gone to see Sarah in Ireland and I sodding hate it. When she talks about going away it sounds pretty good likesay. I mean a weekend of hanging out playing XBox, drinking beer and eating manly meat sounds great, maybe I'll have a Snoop Dogg type party with loads of coke and bitchs and stuff and I'll have a proper lie-in without being dragged out of bed to watch Baywatch and shit.

She's been gone two and a half hours and I have no idea what to do without her. I'm a sad git.

I've decided to inflict my fave lines from songs on the world. I am planning on doing a top bling line of the day but Pulp fit my mood better.

Oh we were brought up on the Space-Race,
now they expect you to clean toilets.

I'm off to party like Snoop Dogg now,

Dundee United

I forgot to mention we had yet another rubbish home performance last weekend barely drawing 1-1 with bottom of the table Motherwell. So that's United 10th on the table and without a home win this season. :-(

Parochial Letters Day

Last week a question of great import was raised in the Tele

Car sign madness
JUST WHAT do drivers think they are achieving by displaying
those silly yellow signs like “Baby on Board” in their cars?
Do they really
think that other motorists are targeting cars with which to have accidents?
Do they believe that the sight of their “Princess on Board” sign will make
other drivers change their mind and crash into another car without a sign?
These signs are a danger, inviting, as they do, other drivers to take their
eyes off the road.
Can we just stop this madness now? — Driven Mad

This has started an important debate throughout Dundee.

Drivers
do take notice of signs
LETTER WRITER Driven Mad complains about car
signs like “Baby On Board”.
Some people do take notice and back off instead
of sitting on my bumper.
As a mother of two young children and a baby I like
to warn people they could hurt innocent children.
I can honestly say I
believe the sign in my rear window has made people think twice. — Mad Drivers.

Out of order
DRIVEN MAD is out of order if he thinks “silly yellow signs”
reading “Baby On Board” are a “danger” to other drivers.
While these signs
may not make other drivers crash into an alternative car, they do offer some
protection nonetheless.
If, for example, you do not have such a sign and are
being tailgated, you will likely continue to be tailgated. If, however, a sign
is displayed, the effect should hopefully be to make the driver behind get his
dangerous behaviour in check.
Once a driver is close enough to read such a
sign, they may already be too close and in need of a wake-up call. — Drive To
Survive.

Hand in licence
IF DRIVEN Mad thinks “Baby On Board” signs are dangerous,
then he or she should hand in his, or her, licence now.
I have one on my
rear window, and when I see one on another vehicle I pull back a little and it
does not distract my attention from the road.— Penelope Pitstop.

Okay Penelope even having a differing opinion means he should have his driving priviliges taken away?

No idea
DRIVEN MAD obviously has no idea the real reason behind “Baby On
Board” signs.
They are in place to advise emergency services that a baby or
child is travelling in case of a collision.
Safety should be the number one
priority for everyone. — Conscientious Mother.

Yeah those suckers that hold on the signs are well known for surviving crashes.

But not everybody was against the original writer.

Outlandish manoeuvre
I AGREE with Driven Mad about signs warning of “Baby On
Board”.
What the sign often means is the parent is going to make some
outlandish manoeuvre, when distracted by the travelling child.
It is only
the quick reflexes of other drivers which avert serious accidents. — Distracted.

Clearly having such a sign means you may suddenly decide to have a go at wheelies at anytime at the goading of the evil travelling child.

Weekend films

I wanted to go see Clerks 2 this weekend but the Kiwi wasnae well so we got DVD's instead.

The Transporter 2

This was nearly fantastic in it's ludicrous plotting, silly stunts and Jason Streatham doing his cool as fuck action hero thing but it was all ruined by CGI driving stun. Now I've got nothing against CGI but there really is no need to do it with cars. Gits!

Tsotsi

Brilliant. The main character is a truly awful person yet they still manage to squeeze a bit of sympathy for him out of you, the simple plot manages to avoid sentimentality and all the performances are fantastic. I really need the soundtrack as well.

Lorraine Kelly Watch

I missed this on Sunday but it appears that the Dundee University Lorraine Kelly debate has reached new heights The Sunday Post!

Advice
STUDY HARD, play hard, drink lots and have safe sex. That was the advice Rector Lorraine Kelly gave to new students at Dundee University. As a mother, will she be happy to give the same advice to her daughter when the time comes for her to start university?

Mrs M. Georgeson, Monifieth.

Well I think that'll have given our Lorraine something to think about don't you?

And Lorraines troubles don't end there.

TV boss quits over Kelly hate text

Thursday September 21, 11:44 AM

Click to enlarge photo

A GMTV boss has quit after accidentally sending a text message to presenter Lorraine Kelly saying she hated her.

Benedetta Pinelli meant to fire off the angry text to her husband after falling out with Kelly while filming on location in Namibia.

Instead she sent Kelly a message which read: "I hate LK."

Realising her mistake, she immediately resigned from her job in charge of the LK Today show.

The drama unfolded last week during a three-day trip to Africa to film cheetahs being released into the wild.

"Benedetta made a massive mistake and fell on her sword. She is hugely embarrassed about the whole thing," said an insider on the ITV1 programme.

"It was entirely her decision to leave. Lorraine played no part in her resignation.

"Lorraine just wants to forget about it and move on. It's so rare to hear a bad word about her because she is a very well-loved presenter here."

Benedetta, who joined GMTV five months ago as Head of Lifestyle, has already found a new job with a film company.

She said: "I'm leaving a strong show behind and I'm very proud of my team. In fact I'm taking them out for a farewell drink tonight."

Thank God that weeks over!

This week seemed to go on forever. I don't think me or the Kiwi really recovered from last Saturday before going back to work and worked proved to be a complete pussy* on Monday and Tuesday but hey we had Wednesday off so nae hass.

Right.

It was all meant to be so easy. We'd both got the day off to go down to Dundee University Open Day but we didn't have to be there til the back of 12 so we could have a lie in and potter about a bit. Well Guinness decided she wanted fed, played with and out at 7am so we never got to sleep in but we tried so we never got up til half-ten. We then futtered around the house too much so we were late heading down the gym for a quick swim and did you know that Rosa doesn't like to be rushed? Well she doesn't and let's you know at length.

Sorry I've got to nip out to get the girl Heat magazine...

...Got the magazine. Apparently Pete's dumped Nicki and the girl needs to know about it right now!

Then we went to the open day which was a complete info download and gave us loads to talk about over a pint afterwards. Of course after two pints we remembered we had to rush home to play an RPG later on. Frankly our days off are getting to be too much work.

The open day was all about the possibility of me going back to school which is a possibility but we're still thinking what with weddings and stuff coming up first.

The rest of the week's mainly consisted of work boredom and gym pain so nothing new there.

*For you colonists this is pronounced the same as hussy and means a hassle.

It's Parochial News Day

Because the G hanging out with international reggae superstars is a bit boring let's see what else is happening in the Dun that is Dee.

The Proclaimers Musical

Screw the ABBA and Queen crap I present you with the musical based on the musical workings of our own Proclaimers. Gasp at that 500 Mile journey, hear that Letter from America and bask in the Sunshine on Leith. The Dundee Rep is actually wonderful and their version of Monkey was trancsendent so we have high hopes.

There's no such thing as a 90 minute bigot

I have a deep disgust of sectarianism whether Catholic or Protestant and I particularly hate it in our national game. We are better than that.

We should have beaten Caley!

I'm expecting United to get into the top half of the table this season but they're going to have to do better. Saying that my support isn't great as I doubt I can afford to take the Kiwi and I to Tannadice until Febuary.

The Sunday Post says Rosa should buy me Lego Star Wars II

She disagrees strongly, I find her lack of faith disturbing.

Best Saturday EVAH!

Or something like it anyway.

Yesterday was far too busy, it's Open Doors Weekend in Dundee so we decided to take advantage and visit a couple of places the first being the venue of our wedding next year Baxters Park pavilion. Baxters park is my local park which was donated by one of Dundees Jute Barons in the 19th century and designed by the bloke who designed Crystal Palace . Up until a few years ago the park and particularly the pavilion was in complete disrepair but it's now restored and looks fabulous. We had a tour of the pavilion from one of the urban rangers, is that not the coolest job title evah, and I am completely stoked that we're getting wed there.

After that it was down to the gym fo a few lengths in the pool then on to Dundee Central Mosque which was really fascinating. I already knew the basics of Islam but sitting down for a chat with a scholar of the Qu'ran was a real eye-opener and I loved the sense of community especially with all the kids running about. It's definitely piqued my interest and I will go back.

Then later on we went to see The Black Seeds live and they were fantastic or choice as my Kiwigirl says. There's nothing like a Kiwi reggae/funk/soul 8 piece band to send you to skank heaven. Check out their tour dates and run, don't walk, to get tickets if they're round your way. After the gig we chatted with Barnaby, the lead singer, who remembered me from last year and is a genuinely sweet guy. Check out their new video Sometimes Enough.

After all that we headed home where I put up a couple of posters I'd snaffled at the gig, opened a beer then promptly fell asleep on the sette. As Saturdays go that was sweet as!

Lorraine Kelly Update

She's had to apologise unfortunately.


Peeps have no sense of humour nowadays!

Anyway I'm off to watch The Black Seeds live but later on I'll let know about the gig, our visit to our wedding venue and todays mosque visit.

Parochial News Redux

I was going to keep the Dundonian news stuff to weekly at most until I happened to glance at the Tele today. My niece was in a Dundee Schools production of 42nd Street last week which was okay for a school production but frankly I'm a bad person who felt being charged a tenner to watch it was a bit much likesay. Well I clearly wasn't as impressed as,

Tele Letters

Encore

My HUSBAND and I attended the Whitehall Theatre to watch 42nd Street. Having never been to the theatre before, we were amazed. These kids were fantastic. We were so impressed with the whole show that we went again, I have been telling everyone I have met that the show was the most amazing thing that we have ever seen. — Gwen and Steven Miller.

Whilst I'm awfy happy for Gwen and Steven especially that they seem to have expanded their world far enough to see a sodding school production I pity their friends who are promised 'the best thing EVAH!'.

For anybody who's read my previous couple of posts I'd also like to point out that the debate on measures in pubs is hotting up and as far as I'm concerned the lead singer of Keane could use help with his pie addiction.

On mortality and exercise

So in March of this year the Scottish Parliament brought in a ban on smoking in public places which after a lot of thought I couldn't help but agree with. As this coincided with the dawning realisation that I might not be quite as immortal as I previously thought and that that morning cough I was having wasn't all that normal or pleasant I decided that after 17 years this would be a good time to give up the old fags likesay.

This was one of the best decisions of my life. I had a pretty hard first week but the girl bought me The Easy Way to Stop Smoking after that and I've never really looked back. Everything smells nicer and tastes nicer and my morning cough seems to have mysteriously disappeared but I'm sure that's just a coincidence. It was a bloody good move but it's not what I'm really here to talk about.

Y'see for most of my life I've been a pretty thin bloke, anorexically so apparently though I disagree. Well since I gave up the fags and started living the good life with Rosa this has changed quite a lot and I've put on a couple of stone mostly in my brand new pooku.

In essence I've got fat.

Not morbidly obese or anything and not even particularly overweight when considering my height but definitely fat around the old belly area. Now I've never been particularly in shape but since I was so thin it didn't really matter and there isn't much opportunity for muscley surfers to kick sand in your face on the beaches of north-eastern Scotland so that wasn't a particular worry. Anyway lots of lassies like slim guys an a'that so no big deal. The problem with putting on weight though is that it really advertises that you're out of shape and whilst being thin can be cool looking like a tattie definitely isn't. I also don't like the idea of dodging the smoking heart attack bullet only get it from the fat bastard bullet.

So I've joined a gym.

I'm spending all the money I saved on fags humiliating myself in front of loads of fit people. I haven't actually got up the courage to try out the weights yet but I've been down swimming in the baths quite a lot and it's bloody hard I can tell you. It appears that I've swapped my luxurious life of chilling smoking fags, drinking beers and playing XBox for what may be a longer life of exercising until it hurts then doing a little bit more just to stretch myself and by and large I much preferred the fags and beer thank you very much. It's not helped by the fact that I'm marrying a Kiwi and those lunatics seem to think that exercise is actually lot's of fun and why don't we go walk a few munroes after we've swum ten miles!

Then again she's fantastic, I have 7 neices and nephews to watch grow up and heart attacks don't look like fun at all so it's all worth it.

Parochial News Day

I figure if anybody is actually reading this they probably barely know Dundee exists and really don't care about what's happening here but I thought I'd share anyway. It's been an exciting few weeks up here with armed robberies, police raids and young lads stealing buses but finally we've managed to concentrate on something important...

Dundee pubs don’t measure up

Now this is quite a serious matter for those who enjoy a wee dram and I hope conditions have improved the next time they check but until then I recommend you keep an eye on the barman pouring things out in thimble measures.

And the start of Dundee Universities Freshers Week is heralded by a speech by the universities rector Lorraine Kelly.

You've got to love Lorraine don't ya?

Now as all of you keen followers of the Scottish Premiership are aware Dundee Uniteds five game unbeaten streak came to an ignomious end on Saturday although Craig Brewster got a good shot in considering that he's an auld dear. Hopefully we'll get back on track after being joined by Namibean forward Arend von Stryck though I worry that he's been signed because his name fits. I'll be sure to keep you updated anyway.

Recent and not so films

Snakes on a Plane is fantastic but Crank is so much better.

Watched a couple of DVD's tonight as well though.

The Proposition is a work of fucking art. Written by Nick Cave, the coolest Australian ever, and starring Guy Pearce, the only cool bloke off of Neighbours, I'd say this is the best western since Unforgiven if it wasn't better. I see this as an existential film with the characters trying to find meaning after being forced into the Hell that is Australia. Ray Winstone rises above an already fantastic cast.

Grizzly Man is Werner Herzog's film made from the tapes of Timothy Treadwell who purported to defend bears in Alaska then got eaten by them. Absolutely fascinating especially when you get into the background of the situation. Herzog never loses sympathy with his subject even when he disagrees and I love his joy at footage that nobody but Treadwell could have got. Saying that I worship Herzog anyway.

So this is how it starts?

It's 2:30am in sunny Dundee and I seem to have drunkenly started my first blog. Frankly I'm not sure what I'm going to use this for other than to bore whoever stumbles across this with my random havering about a'thing and borin details of my life but if you'll persevere I will.

Anyway let me introduce myself.

I'm Garry a 33yr old man living in the Scottish city of Dundee with Rosa, the beautiful Kiwi of Portuguese descent, and a wee black cat called Guinness. I spend my days working as a Call Centre Monkey and my nights playing games, watching movies and chilling in a Scottish stylee. Politically I'm a socialist with more interest in what Tommy Sheridan's up to than Tony Blair right now.

Frankly I'm boring as hell and talk shite. Normally I'd make up for this with my big penis but given my received emails the worlds awash with 12inchers.

Fuck knows what I'll chat about but this may be fun.