Just because

A mate passed me a link to the new Pheonix Foundation video and I just though Ed and Marieke might like it,

In which tapdancing, existentialism & penguins collide

Why are Calvinists against sex standing up?

Because it’s dangerously close to dancing.

At the weekend Rosa and I watched Happy Feet, the heartwarming animation about a penguin who can’t sing but can tapdance. Now this seems like a pretty thin premise to base a 90 minute film on and to be frank it is. The film meanders it’s way through some rather boring singing, pointless chases and pretty dull digressions. My mate Martin said that he felt it gave him some pretty good insight into autism and I can see that. The main character Mumble has a birth defect that hinders his communication with others, apparently emperor penguins mating rituals consist of elaborate singing of popular music a la Moulin Rouge, and the film charts his progress in making others understand his condition and eventually teaching them his form of communication. Of course this means at the end all the other penguins can sing and dance which means that not only is Mumbles a cripple he’s given away the only thing that makes him special. To be fair there are some laughs from Robin Williams South American penguins, the computer animation is fantastic and I quite enjoyed the emperor penguins Calvinist leader who reminds me of the joke at the start but it’s not enough to compete against stuff like The Incredibles or Finding Nemo.

What would have improved the film immensely would have been to end it around ten minutes earlier than they did. At this point Mumbles has been captured and put into a zoo. We watch as he first loses hope and then his mind, he begins repeatedly running against the wall in a scene of mad despair. As the broken penguin bangs his head against the wall again and again the scene shifts to a view of the country, then the world and finally to the uncaring void of space. The End!

Now I understand that this may seem a bit of a depressing way to end a childrens film but this isn’t just because of the pleasure I would gain from watching hundreds of little brats greeting their wee hearts out as they leave the picture house although that’s definitely a consideration. The reason for ending it here would be not only that it makes it a better film but that it would teach the bairns early on what their life is going to be like. After taking the child to see the film I picture the loving parent explaining to them that they are that penguin and it is their head that will banging against the wall for the next seventy years. Nothing like crushing their expectations early if you ask me.

This is it, this is where I'll be

After weeks of house-hunting and a few disappointments it looks like Rosa and I may finally have managed to sort of, nearly buy a flat. The week before we headed out to Portugal to hang out with her auld dears we had a viewing of a two bedroom flat which turned out to be exactly what we wanted and last Monday they accepted our second offer of only thirteen grand more than the asking price. Of course this doesn’t mean we actually have the flat yet as a survey brought up possible problems with damp floorboards or something so we’re having to send in a timber specialist to check it out and tell us if he needs to do whatever timber specialists do or not as the case may be. Once we know if anything needs done we can offer the owners a bit less to cover it so it’s all good.

“But enough of the boring stuff what about the flat?” I hear you cry. Well that’s what my mind is telling me when in reality if anybody was ever reading this they gave up long ago and everything I’m typing is being flung into the void of cyberspace only to be stumbled upon by people of mistype their Google searches. It’s all a bit pointless really when you think about it. I mean what’s it all about? We come from nothing and we go into nothing and what do we leave? Nothing. There’s really no point in anything really although Smarties are nice. Anyway enough channelling Graham let me tell you about the flat. It’s a two bedroom ground floor flat right around the corner from the one we used to rent. If you were up for the wedding you’ll know where it is as it’s right across the road from the park we got married in. The kitchen’s a good size with plenty of room for the two of us to cook and the bathroom and bedrooms are fine but the living room is fantastic. More the 20’ long and east facing there’s plenty of room for a dining table and we’ll get the morning sun. All in all it’s a great flat that should do us for a long time and give us a decent profit if we sell so let’s hope it all works out and we can move in next month.

I've never met a nice South African!

This is of course a complete lie but growing up in the 80's we had a very particular view of the Saffy's and to be fair we mostly had a point. Meeting peeps like Marieke, her family and friends show a lot about how wrong we were in a way but this is dedicated to the young guys Ed and I had a drink with when we were out camping,

Parochial News Day!

Just on a whim I decided to look at New Zealand news today. Imagine my surprise to stumble on a story so relevant not only to myself but to some of you out there,

Cricket: NZ win first test against England by 189 runs

1:08PM Sunday March 09, 2008

Ross Taylor, Jeetan Patel and Jamie How congratulate Kyle Mills during day five.

New Zealand have won the first cricket test against England by 189 runs after the tourist's second innings disintegrated for just 110 on the final afternoon at Seddon Park here today.

Ian Bell top scored in a forlorn run chase, his unbeaten 54 one of only two double figure contributions before England were routed shortly before the tea interval.

Monty Panesar was the last wicket to fall when he was caught by Brendon McCullum off the bowling of Jacob Oram for eight.

Seamers Kyle Mills and Chris Martin wrought the havoc with spells of four for nine and three for nine respectively decimating an England innings that lasted just 55 overs.

Mills finished with four for 16 from 13 overs and Martin three for 33 from 13.

New Zealand skipper Daniel Vettori was named man of the match after innings of 88 and 35 dovetailed with a big bowling output - two for 60 off 38 overs in England's first innings.

England had been set 300 to win after Vettori declared New Zealand's second innings closed at 177 for nine seven overs into the day.

The second test of the three-match series starts at Wellington's Basin Reserve on Thursday.

- NZPA

I really don't think the NZ Herald is being entirely fair about this match. The BBC website is much more balanced in it's description of one of Englands "most ignominous defeats in recent history" as they got a "paltry 110 on a flat track" and I'm inclined to agree. Kevin Pietersens face was priceless. Add to this the English losing 15-9 to Scotland in the rugby Calcutta Cup yesterday, awful game though it was, and I'm a very happy man.

One of the things I've always liked about the Kiwis is that they are such nice people. Take rap star Che Fu for example. Whilst Snoop Dogg is getting done for guns and drugs and is banned from entering the UK, 50 Cent is showing off his bullet scars and Mike Skinner is telling stories of drug-taking and shagging pop starlets Che Fu is giving something back,

Che Fu wants recycling lyrics

East And Bays Courier | Saturday, 08 March 2008

Kiwi music star Che Fu has written a rap chorus promoting recycling and wants kids to fill in the gaps.

The renowned R’n’B artist is working with the Glass Packaging Forum to encourage young people to recycle at home, school and the community.

A competition aimed at nine to 15-year-olds asks kids and teens to turn their thoughts on recycling into lyrics to Che Fu’s music.

The winning students from the North and South islands each win $1000 for their schools and a day recording their lyrics with Che Fu in an Auckland studio.

Every school will receive a poster with details of the competition in their copy of the Education Gazette.

Students can download the beat and then "rap the gaps" with their own words.

Lyrics need to include a name for the new mobile glass crusher, say why glass recycling is important and what the crushed glass could be used for in their community.

The competition is open until April 18. Winners will be announced on World Environment Day on June 5, which will be hosted in Wellington.

Kids today! When I was young it was all about misogyny, drugs and violence, now look at them with their social awareness and care of the environment They should be hanging out on street corners drinking cheap white cider and getting off with each other. It never did me any harm.

Meanwhile the Manukau Courier shows us that there are seriously mental people everywhere you look,

Guide dogs have a giggle

Manukau Courier | Friday, 07 March 2008

Supplied

BUGGED: Guide dog puppy Emjay looks a little unsure about being dressed as a ladybird for the fancy dress competition at Manurewa fun day.

Tails, not tongues were wagging on Sunday when 29 guide dog puppies and breeding stock gathered for their annual fun day at the Guide Dog Services centre in Manurewa.

The day is a chance for volunteer puppy walkers, breeding stock guardians and guide dog boarders to get together and have a good time, says puppy development manager Paula Gemmell.

"They are really vital to the success of the guide dog programme so it’s great to give them the chance to get to know each other, chat and share their funny stories."

"It’s meant to be a fun day but it can get quite competitive out there!" she says.

The dogs competed in a range of categories from best condition to waggiest tail and even entered a fancy dress competition.

Volunteer puppy walkers socialise young puppies as part of the guide dog puppy development programme.

Their role is to introduce the puppies to situations they will encounter as guide dogs.

The Royal New Zealand Foundation of the Blind’s annual Red Puppy Appeal is from April 4 to 6 so puppy walkers, breeding stock guardians, guide dog boarders and thousands of other volunteers will be out collecting money.

The foundation needs to raise more than $1 million so it can continue to provide guide dogs to blind, deaf-blind and vision-impaired New Zealanders.

Now I'm all for a bit of fun but look at what they've done to the poor we animal! Not to be outdone the Taranaki Daily News goes one weirdo better. I like what they've done with the title btw,

Horrie in hurry hitches a ride in a Honda

JAYNE HULBERT jayne.hulbert@tnl.co.nz - Taranaki Daily News | Saturday, 08 March 2008

MARK DWYER/Taranaki Daily News

Anna Kirk and Horrie the donkey take a road trip in Anna's Honda Civic.

Donkeys are known for their use as transport, but Horrie prefers to hitch a ride in a Honda.

Anna Kirk's been known to take her favourite donkey Horrie on a road trip in the back of her three-door Honda Civic.

This week Horrie happily climbed aboard Anna's red Civic, stood up on the back seat and took in the scenery during their 40-minute jaunt in rural New Plymouth. Why? Well, why not?

Anna (21) wanted her parents to meet young Horrie and her trusty Honda proved the perfect transport.

And Anna had her reasons for the taking the loveable Horrie to the visit the folks. "I wanted mum and dad to buy him themselves really and I thought if I took him up there to show them, then, well they would love him," laughed Anna.

Unfortunately, Anna's mum and dad weren't home. She says Horrie seemed quite content in the car.

While there was a comfort stop along the way, Horrie did disgrace himself once in the car, but that hasn't put Anna off.

"Maybe I'll just take him to the beach, or my boyfriend's house ... shorter trips I think."

Horrie is one of a trio of jacks (male donkeys) being cared for at the country property where Anna boards. About a year old, Horrie and his siblings Ronald and Buddy, are living the good life on Carrington Rd.

So don't be surprised if you see Anna and Horrie hitting the highways in the Honda.

You may think that's funny but it's a health and safety nightmare that just wouldn't be acceptable here at the heart of the Empire. We have much better ways of making an ass out of ourselves.

I'll get my coat.

Home, this is where I'll be!

So once again I’ve been neglecting the old blog but it’s not just because I’ve been distracted by pubs, games and general laziness like normal. To be fair I have spent a lot of the time in the pub, playing games or lazing about but a man doesn’t live on bread alone an a’that and with the Budget only a month away it behooves me to grab a few swallys before the Chancellor puts the price of beer up. Anyway a few weeks ago Rosa and I stood back and had a look at our priorities and realising she’s not getting any younger, I’m not so sure about me, we decided to re-arrange our priorities slightly. This means delaying going to Africa in the short-term and investing our hard earned cash into something solid for the future, in other words we’ve started hunting for a flat.

Now the first steps into the property market are relatively painless. There’s the giddy excitement of looking at what’s out there followed closely by the despair of working out what you can afford with your bank which changes to slow creeping terror ass you talk to your financial advisor and find out lots of new and interesting ways to get yourself into a lifetime of debt and servitude to The Man. As I said it’s all relatively painless, maybe the equivalent of sawing your left foot off with a rusty hacksaw but you know it’ll all work out. Well either that or you’ll over-extend yourself and end up homeless and bankrupt but that’s all part of the giddy excitement of living in a capitalist society.

The actual looking for places is actually quite good fun as long as you remember that there’s no point having a wander down to the estate agents as they’re all only open between 9 and 5 Monday to Friday. Clearly they don’t actually want to have to meet any working peeps looking to buy so a casual wander around on a Saturday afternoon is a definite no-no. Thank God for t’internet through which you can browse over nearly everything available, get floorplans and pics and check out where a property is on Googlemaps. Of course you’ve still got to call the estate agents to get a viewing which means having to call from work cos they can’t be arsed being at all flexible. After this you get to wander around peoples houses trying to be nice but not give too much away about what you really think whilst they try to convince you that although they live only two streets away from Dens and Tannadice match day traffic really isn’t that bad. It’s a really weird experience. Then one day you find a flat you’re definitely interested and skip gaily home to call your FA and put in an offer. This is where the real pain begins.

Now you peeps in other parts of the world are probably nodding sagely at this as you think of the pain you went through buying property for yourself but what you felt is but a shadow of the true agony of buying in Scotland. You see in most places if somebody wants to sell their house they decide how much they want for it then advertise it at that price. The prospective buyers come along and make offers either at the price asked or a bit lower if they think the owner will sell at it. The bid is then either accepted or not, contracts are exchanged and a’body happily moves on with their lives. Of course there’s still the danger of being part of a broken chain or being gazumped but the basics are pretty straightforward and whilst not great doesn’t engender the cosmic dread that the Scottish system does.

In Scotland the seller decides how much he wants for the house, takes anything from 5 to 25 thousand pounds off that price then advertises it as offers over the new figure eg if the seller wants £105,000 he might advertise at offers over £89,000. Any prospective buyers who come along then have to guess how much the seller really wants. It’s sort of like The Price is Right only with you betting your future on the guess of the price. When viewing a flat you find yourself playing weird mindgames as you try to figure out what the owner wants and he tries to get you to offer as much as possible. All this leads to where we are now.

Last Sunday afternoon Rosa and I went to view a top floor two bedroomed flat nearwhere we live. It’s not in the absolute best area but it’s pretty big and 5 minutes from our haunts in Stoby so it’s not awful either. Anyway having a look around we agree that the flat itself is pretty stunning with great views, big rooms and great storage and a chat with the owner reveals what price he’s actually looking for. On leaving we call Barry our FA and set everything in motion to make an offer at the price the owner quoted. Within the day we get an answer that whilst the owner isn’t rejecting the offer he’s going to wait to see what else he gets then yesterday we find out that they’ve set a closing date for next Wednesday so all bids from now on will be sealed. So now this bloke is going to tell a’body what he’s offered in the hope they’ll up the bid whilst also hoping that even if he gets no other offers we’ll up ours in fear of somebody outbidding us. In pain terms this is somewhere around hacking your left bollock off with a dull spoon.

A side effect of all this, and one I was warned about, is the shockingly deep hatred I feel toward the seller for saying what he wants then holding out for more. Intellectually I know he’s just acting on good advice and I’d do exactly but that doesn’t mean I won’t hunt him down like the dog he is if I don’t get this flat. I’ve been assured that he undoubtedly hates me right back for not offering him more than he wanted so the second viewing at the weekend should be fun as we try to maintain a veneer of civilization over our mutual loathing. He seemed like such a nice guy as well.

I'm just a symptom of the moral decay that's gnawing at the heart of the country!

I have to apologise to my reader for once again not blogging for ages. I'd love to say that this was because of illness, death, madness or some terrible family tragedy but in reality I was mainly at the pub with mates or playing the Xbox. Actually those reasons aren't all that bad though it might be good to try and combine pub and Xbox time for a more efficient use of the old energy likesay.

So let's get right into what's been happening. The biggest news is that in the past week or so Rosa and I have decided to knock Africa on the head for the time being and buy a flat in Dundee instead. This is really one of those good and bad things that kinda balance out so I won't whinge. Anyway we've started the hunt for a reasonably priced two bedroomed apartment with a fabulous view and decent neighbours and have high hopes of fulfilling at least one of those criteria before handing over the wedge. Serendipitously house prices fell throughout the whole of Scotland this week, apart from Dundee where they went up a bit.

In other news despite a bit of a scare my Dads recovery continues, Boris the Xbox 360 died and had to go to the Microsoft necromancers to be resurrected and I took advantage of Rosa' Christmas present to visit my gentlemens club in Edinburgh. Everybody should have a gentlemens club.

There's much more to say, including loads of parochial news, but I'll do that when I can be arsed.

New music of 2007

Just cos this came up in a forum I managed to list most of the stuff I picked up last year and what I thought about it. It was a good year for music but not as good as this years going to be likesay.

The View - Hats Off To The Buskers: I'd been waiting for a year for this recordand whilst very good it would have been better if released earlier. Still a great Dundee band and I have high hopes that The Law will secure the cities musical upturn.

The Rakes - Ten New Messages: Not a bad album but very inconsistent.

Biffy Clyro - Puzzle: Really uncool and they don't care. Likeable enough to have lasted a while on the old MP3 player.

Beastie Boys - The Mix Up: Good jazz-funk instrumentals though definitely a mood thing for me.

Arctic Monkeys - Fave Worst Nightmare: Not as impressive as their debut but still fantastic.

The Aliens - Astronomy For Dogs: Although not as good as The Beta Band and perhaps their eclecticism lets them down a bit still an awfy good album made even more impressive if you're aware that people from Fife are born without opposable thumbs. It was fun dancing to The Happy Song at my wedding as well.

Bloc Party - A Weekend In The City: Top indie miserabilists produce a fun album. Went through a bit of a London kick earlier in the year when all I was listening to was them, The Rakes, Lady Sov, Dizze Rascal and the likes. Speaking of which,

Dizzee Rascal - Maths + English: Dizzee really came into his own with this album showing a new maturity and kinda reminding me of Ludacris's last effort for some reason. Lily Allen also entertains on one song, she always seems better on other peeps stuff for some reason.

Jamie T - Panic Prevention: My favourite album of the year sound sort of like The Streets meets The Clash which can only be a good thing. I'm really looking forward to hearing more stuff from the young lad.

Dinosaur Jr - Beyond: This is a weird one because it's Dinosaur Jr which makes it greeat and I loved it but I was mibbee expecting something new from them which isn't here.

The Foo Fighters - Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace: Exactly the same feelings about this as about Dinosaur Jr's new one.

Black Francis - Bluefinger: Once again see my comments on Dinosaur Jr's album. Is a pattern starting to take shape here?

Gorillaz - D-Sides: There's a lot here and I'm still trying to get my head around it. Mostly good though.

The Good, The Bad and The Queen: Awfy good album.

Kings of Leon - Because of the Times: White boys with guitars do what they do best. I love this.

New Young Pony Club - Fantastic Playroom: A fantastic retro 80's sound, smart lyrics and a secy female singer.

Mark Ronson - Version: Very very contrived which both works for and against the album.

Queens of the Stone Age - Era Vulgaris: More white boys with guitars and you gotta love them.

The Arcade Fire - Neon Bible: I absolutely adore this album with its clear nods to Talking Heads and reflective lyrics.

The White Stripes - Icky Thump: I enjoyed it well enough but couldn't really get into it. Peeps who put bagpipes into rock or pop should be killed painfully.

Thurston Moore - Trees Outside the Academy: This is still in my MP3 player so I must love it. Sounds a bit country at some points.

Wu-Tang Clan - 8 Diagrams: Not long had this and I'm enjoying it though I can see why some may not like their new direction. If this is the make or break album for them it's difficult to say how they'll do as it may alienate some of their audience. I still like it.

This didn't include loads of old stuff I picked up or the hiphop I bought Rosa cos nothing says you love somebody like 45 minutes of misogynistic rap.

New Years Parochial Letters Day

If anybody actually reads this shite sorry for not blogging for a couple of months but Rosa and I got caught up in the whole moving house rubbish and then had to have a second honeymoon as the romance was going out of the whole marriage type thing. Anyway I'll be catching up on all that but what you've really missed is the missives to my local newspapers so,

Sick to back teeth of bleating

I am sick to the back teeth of bleating pensioners, policemen, firemen and nurses constantly complaining about their lot. Pensioners have never had it so good with heating allowances (even if working), free travel (somebody has to pay for it) and woman OAPs receiving their state pension from 60 while my generation must slog on until we are 68. The definition of fixed income is when your income does not increase. This does not happen with the state pension even though this is a pensioner mythical complaint. Nurses, firemen and police wages are well over the national average and very considerably above the local average. What they conveniently ignore is the taxpayer-funded, index-linked pension schemes they receive are paid while they are still relatively young and fit enough to enjoy them. And the benefits they receive cost far more than 6% to 12% employee contributions. Bitter? A wee bit, but I have every reason to be. — Honest Harry.

One of the things that make me proud to be a Dundonian is that we have always been at the heart of the socialist movement from marching for workers rights in the 19th century to having the first female shop steward in the 20th. We've always been a fairminded lot who believed in supporting our elderly and adequately compensating the peeps that work in our essential services. Given all this I'd like to thank Harry for showing that there are massive arseholes everywhere.

Mince and pudding

As a 50-year-old who has lived in Dundee all my life, I have never heard of a tradition of white pudding and mince. — I. B.

As a 34-year-old who has lived in Dundee all my life I have never heard of a tradition of covering yourself in treacle and jumping into a cattery but I've never felt the need to write to my local paper about it. What great conversations must go on in the B household.

Customer hope

MY HUSBAND and I are regular customers at Jimmy Chung’s, Dundee, and continued to visit during unfounded rumours regarding seagulls. The quality of food and excellent service has been maintained and I hope customers return. — Chris Treanor, Dundee.

I'm pretty sure I mentioned this issue months back. What fascinates me about these clearly rubbish rumours is that they've eschewed the more traditional cat in curry stories. Either way it's nice to see such warmth directed to the Chinese residents of our fair city. OTOH I wouldn't eat in Jimmy Chung's all you can eat buffet if you paid me.

Festive lights warning

I RESPOND to your reader, who was heartened by the display of Christmas lights on a Dundee house. Although this may provide a moment’s satisfaction, the harm to the environment is increasing. The extra use of power will be detrimental to the world in future years. Let’s all have a green Christmas. — Environmentally Conscious.

Just a reminder that your Christmas celebrations are badwrongfun so take down your tacky crap!

And finally you'll be aware that what to do with criminals has been a hotly contested question in the City of Discovery over the last year. I'll leave the last word to Alf,

Hard labour

I was talking to a young man who was unfortunately imprisoned for a few weeks on a minor offence. He whiled away most of his day glued to the television. He revealed that before this he had never watched Joe Pasquale or Noel Edmonds. I thought hard labour had been abolished. — Alf Carlin, Shepherds Loan, Dundee.

Parochial News Day

It's that day again so I thought I'd start with the important news,

Rapper stars in Dundee-made kilt
	Snoop at the awards ceremony in the Dundee-made outfit.
The MTV Europe Music Awards in Munich had a surprise Dundee flavour when rapper Snoop Dogg hosted the show in an outfit made by one of the city’s kiltmakers.
The Kilt Hire Co. in Commercial Street could not quite believe it when Snoop’s agent from America contacted the store and asked them to design a customised outfit for the rapper, record producer and actor to wear while hosting the show in Munich’s entertainment arena, Olympiahalle. Performances at the celebrity-studded show included those by the Foo Fighters, Amy Winehouse, My Chemical Romance and Babyshambles. Scott Shields, branch manager of The Kilt Hire Co. said after receiving contact from Snoop’s agent, there was an extremely animated atmosphere in the store. “We were excited last night as we were hoping Snoop was going to wear the outfit as there was a chance he wouldn’t — there was definitely a buzz,” he said. “It’s not every day we get something this big. “For the kilt we went for the Scottish-American tartan, which is mostly red and blue, and the three-quarter length jacket was custom-made with electric blue on it and a detachable hood.” The outfit included a customised sporran with Snoop’s name on in his very own copyrighted font. Scott continued, “His agent called last night to say Snoop had tried the outfit on before the show and loved it, especially as it had electric blue on it which went with his trainers, so it all tied in.” Snoop made his arrival at the awards show in typical gangster rapper style and began hosting the event flanked by girls on motorcycles. The 14th annual MTV Europe Music Awards was staged in Munich — the third time the awards have been held in Germany since the inaugural show in Berlin.

More proof that us Dundonians are down with the hood chillin to the hip tunes in a gangsta stylee whatever that actually means. It's more likely that the unemployment, access to hard drugs and rampant teen pregnancy get him all misty about home but there you go.

In much less important news,

Armed police in early morning raid

Man held in Dundee terrorism swoop

By John Paul Breslin

A MAN has been arrested in Dundee under the Terrorism Act after potentially explosive materials were seized at a house in England.
Police said the 31-year-old, from Goole in Yorkshire, was arrested in a residential area of the city at 1.30 am yesterday.
The Counter Terrorism Unit and firearms officers from Tayside Police carried out the early morning arrest at the house at 119 Pitkerro Road (right).
Another 31-year-old man was arrested in Goole on Wednesday on suspicion of offences under the Terrorism Act when potentially explosive material was discovered during a search of a house.
Material from this house has been sent for forensic examination.
Police said the suspect arrested in Dundee had been returned to Yorkshire for questioning.
Warrant
The man arrested on Wednesday is still in police custody after a warrant of further detention was approved at court on Friday.
A spokeswoman from the Counter Terrorism Unit said police were not searching for anyone else.
She refused to discuss whether the arrest had any connection to Islamist terrorism, although it is understood this is not the case.
Dundee taxi drivers said they had seen up to 10 officers at the house at around 3 am yesterday and had seen a policeman standing guard at the entrance since then.
One local resident said, “I went to bed at about one o’clock and there were no police, but when I woke this morning I could see a lot of officers going into the house.”
“I thought it was a burglary at first but it has to be more serious than that because there are so many officers going into the house and there has been someone guarding the entrance all day.

This one came a bit out of the blue especially as we live on Pitkerro Road. They've definitely confirmed there's no Islamic link so it'll be interesting to find out what's up. Mibbee he just planned on a big firworks party for Guy Fawkes night. That was tonight btw and there was a top display in Baxters Pary.

And in a bit of non-news Perth smells,

‘Nauseating’ smell tackled

PERTH and Kinross Council last night confirmed it has been investigating a “nauseating” smell noticed in Perth in recent days.

Several residents have contacted The Courier to complain of the smell, which has been traced to an agricultural works to the south-west of the town.

The smell was noticeable throughout Perth, with some people citing a possible sewage problem.

One householder, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “It’s been horrendous.

“I’ve noticed it most of the week and thought it might be a problem with the drains in Perth.

“At times it is nauseating.”

A businessman added, “I was walking down South Street when I smelt this awful stench.

“I thought it may have come from a lorry containing chickens.

“It’s something that needs looked into.”

However, Perth and Kinross Council confirmed it has established the origins of the odour and that the matter has now been passed on to SEPA (Scottish Environment Protection Agency).

A council spokesman said, “Investigations by our environmental health staff traced the source of the smell to agricultural works south-west of Perth. SEPA have been notified and are dealing with the matter.”

Dundee United 2-1 Rangers

My boys Wilkie and Robson stuck it to the dirty Huns and put us third in the SPL Garry is a happy man.

My Dad'll be happy at the score too, we watched the first 10 minutes on the telly with him. For those who are interested he's doing okay with the heart op stuff but he's picked another virus and the slowness of recovery is getting to both of the Auld Dears. My Dad's a good bloke and doesn't deserve all of this but it will get better. To cheer them up we told them that within a year we're planning on moving to Africa to do voluntary work for a year or two. My Dad was okay but my Mum's a bit gutted, what you going to do though?

In other news Brigit is still wrong

Parochial News and Dundee-Hab Day

Well it's been a while what with weddings and stuff getting in the way but the news and accompanying letters about our fair city soldier on. Currently we're having a resurgence of the Dundee Taxi Wars as private hire cars undercut the the normal taxis, it's been going on for a while now and I'm sure you'd love to hear all about it but I frankly think it's dead boring so let's look at this instead,

Ill-thought out ad

The offending billboard.

THERE are billboards in Dundee plugging divorce advice from a firm of solicitors. The ad shows some poor man rolling his eyes, while his wife is clearly nagging him in the background. Women must be furious at this ill-thought-out sexist ad. — Barry Boon, Dundee.

Yup one of our local solicitors is advertising divorce to get away from that shrew of a wife. The picture says it all, Poor Boab's stumbled home after a hard weekend of spending all his pay in the pub and the bookies and that shrew of a wife starts in on him right away. Well now Boab knows exactly where to go for help. Somebody should tell Blackadders that we don't need reminded solicitors are arseholes. Come to think of it is Blackadder really the best name to have if your a solicitor, surely advertising yourself as a relative of a famous comedy conniving bastard isn't the best way to create a sense of trust with your clients?

With Taxi Wars II: The Yellow Plates Strike Back ramping up as taxi drivers have a go slow to get their message across, I'm serious they're actually driving slower than normal in protest, we Dundonians must turn our eyes to other modes of transport. Whilst I continue to practice X-treme Urban Cycling other dudes and dudettes have to get their gnarly kicks from public transport which has it's own hellacious dangers, I'll stop that now,

Buggies should be banned

I watch people getting on and off buses with buggies and sometimes they have great difficulty with the larger ones.

I watch people getting on and off buses with buggies and sometimes they have great difficulty with the larger ones. I fear if there was ever a fire on a bus there would be a tragedy as passengers behind buggies would be trapped. Buggies should be banned. — Observer.

Too much time on your hands and a hatred of single mothers gives Mr Nutty McNutty of Nuttyville here some really weird ideas. I personally think they should ban old people from buses because they smell of wee but I don't feel the need to tell the world about it do I?

Also just so you know,

Clean cats

I HAVE two cats. One goes out to the toilet and clears up after itself. The other uses its tray. I would not go out in the dark to walk two cats at night. — Marion Bathgate, Charleston Drive, Dundee.

Cheers for that Marion! To be honest after 20 minutes of digging I found out what this was all about but if I have to go to all that effort I don't see why you shouldn't.

And finally we move from our local paper to the pages of a national Sunday broadsheet where we can find out how the City of Discovery is seen by others,

This Modern Life The Habby Habit Kneehab, Wii-hab and me-hab: the new rehab John Hind Sunday October 14, 2007 The Observer For addiction workers, rehabaholics (people who habitually go in and out of rehab) and modern linguists alike, little has proven more addictive this year than any (and every) new word with 'hab' in it - and preferably at the end. Uttering some of these words, such as kneehab (rehab involving prayer), threehab (no booze, no narcotics and no tobacco) and Dundeehab (a holiday away from the city with the highest rate of drug addiction), they almost make old styles of rehab sound fab again. Others, like e-hab, DVDhab, Wii-hab and Blackberryhab, subcategorise the experiences (whether parentally imposed or due to physical injury) of cold-turkeying from new technology. Article continues In a nation hopelessly hooked on the 'habby' habit, a penniless professional crack fiend will recite his Rehab Portfolio, a professional golfer who's missed a tournament is said to have been in teehab and a healthy eating campaigner implores the poor and/or obese to go into kebabhab. There is now prehab, dehab and freehab for, respectively, the night prior to entering into rehab, the morning of departing rehab and the period prior to being implored to get back in again. There is me-hab for those believing 'the trick is to get away from oneself', thee-hab for those blaming everyone but themselves (usually during gabhab therapy sessions), and she-hab and he-hab for those identifying the opposite sex as the problem. Some, in groupiehab and girleehab, are just plain showing off. As are those who list celebrities they've shared a bucket with in Prioryhab. While those in Jihab sound like they might be taking the 'higher power' in Step 5 a little too seriously for their own good.

Cheers for that peeps!

Oi Brigit!

Brigit and I had a wee talk in the pub the evening after the wedding in which Brigirl asserted that the Marvel Villain Juggernaut is not that tall. Though this deep and important conversation was interrupted by a mad drunk woman climbing over the bar to harass the landlord I've always intended to prove the poor deluded antipodean wrong. Thusly I present the mighty Juggernaut,



If you'd like to note that Juggers, as we like to call him, looks pretty tall and the Marvel site puts him at 6'10" tall. Now I know Brigit probably doesn't remember the conversation but as a true geek I have to say nyah nyah nyah!

Don't let me down gently, in fact don't let me down at all!

I'm a bit behind in the old bloggingtypethinklikesay for the only good reason which is hanging out with mates got in the way. Last week we dived through to Ireland to chill with Rosa's Irish posse and this weekend we've suited and booted ourselves up for a bit of the Italian food and the hanging it gangsta stylee with the dundee posse. You all must be jealous of the exciting urban life I live.

The other thing I've been doing is this,


Let's talk about it later though eh?

Suffice to say that the whole marriage thing has made me realise how fantastic all our friends are and hope that you know we're thinking of you.

Unless you're battling online in which case I will shoot you in the face!

MeNoFearNoHaka

So its 45 minutes until New Zealand comes up against the rugby might of Scotland at Murrayfield. The beers in the fridge, the snacks on the table and Rosa's got her Kiwigirl t-shirt so it's game on and time for another sporting prediction from Garry.

We're going to stuff the All Blacks!

Some of you may think this unlikely but mark my words we can do it and once we do it'll be onwards to Scotland being crowned champions of the World!

Did that sound convincing?

Sometimes I go out by myself and I look across the water...

And whilst contemplating the silvery Tay I think to myself in a Michael Caine accent, "Self, what's it all about?". I stand there as the Sun goes down pondering the imponderables such as is there truth without beauty, what lies beyond the veil of death and can somebody be both a Dundee fan and a decent person. Eventually as the last misting of twilight hits the water I think fuck that for a game of soldiers and go to the pub to argue about last nights episode of Heroes with Irish Paul. Let's face it when push comes to shove, at the end of the day and when alls said and done it's not about whether the pint's half empty or full it's about who's on the next round.

The plane the plane!

What Graham needs.

Wedding photies!

I've been getting a lot of hassle about photies for the whole wedding type affair so here's a link to the photobucket. A'body who took photies will be updated on how to add your pictures so we expect quite a few updates in the next couple of months,

Wedding Photies

The boy done good!

So I went and got married to Rosa a couple of weeks ago. OK so that's perhaps the weirdest sentence I've ever typed and I never thought I would be typing it but there you go you can't account for stuff happening can you?

Anyway we had a few days of before the event so we could spend some time with the Mendes family and various mates that were arriving early and much fun was had by all as Marieke marvelled at the sheer quantity of pubs in Dundee, Ed became addicted to a table tennis on the XBox and Sarah and Rosa ran around liked demented 5 year olds shouting Kath & Kim quotes at each other. Through all this teetotal Irish athlete Ruairi was an oasis of calm-like stuff being competent at everything, the wee man even fixed my bike!

Rosa's auld dears arrived on Thursday and whilst Teresa was just as fantastic as expected Anibal was the most surprising. After three years of worrying what the scary Portuguese Catholic father would be like he turned out to be a sweet, interesting and fun guy, just the type of person you would expect to be Rosa and Eds father really so that was a lot of pointless worrying.

Anyway I woke up at 6am on Saturday the 18th of August and lay in bed for three hours in a weird kind of panic that continued for most of the morning. I wasn't worried about marrying Rosa, that's never been in doubt, but I was really nervous about going up in front of a'body and letting her down. Luckily my mates and Rosa's mates Brigite and Mike were great throughout the morning even if they did complain about my relentless pacing. The worst moment came when I went for a quick haircut after our greasy spoon breakfast. In a fit of bravado I decided to dive across the road and try out the new Polish barbers. The very nice middle-aged women seemed to know only two words of English 'scissors' and 'clippers' but it seemed impolite to suddenly run out the door so I sat with a deep feeling of dread as she combed my hair into a side parting. Now this something that hasn't been inflicted on my hair since 1985 and though I'm sure it's a hairstyle all the cool kids in Poland are wearing to whatever horrific death metal band is popular there right now the thought of turning up to my wedding sporting such a hairstyle made me finally realise that the phrase 'turned my bowels to water' actually refers to an actual physical feeling. This wasn't helped by suddenly wanting to vomit as well but being British I couldn't say anything to the woman let alone do a runner with half a haircut. Luckily she brushed it back at the end but not before I had visions of Rosa breaking my legs in front of a'body.

The rest of the getting ready wasn't quite as bad though we were running late due to helping my Dad get ready and there was a minor panic when the CD for Rosa coming up the aisle didn't play but then she came and everything was alright. Rosa was absolutely stunning and having her there completely relaxed, this and Reverend Bobs fantastic service made sure everything went great. Bobs reading was incredibly touching and he managed to get across how serious the ceremony was whilst keeping a sense of fun.

As to the reception it was simply the best party I have ever thrown with everybody getting on brilliantly and no fistfights much to Sarah's disgust as she believes every wedding should have one. I think this was helped by Rosa and I making fools of ourselves in the first dance as can be seen here and here.

To be honest I always figured the actual wedding would be something to get through but whilst stuff like posing for pictures was a pussy it actually turned out to be the best day of my life EVAH!

Go figure.