Kindness is timeless

Please remember it only takes a moment to show someone you care.

Dundee United 1-0 St Mirren

Thank God for that.

Parochial letters day

Apart from whingeing about my ears I feel that I've been neglecting my blog so there may be a few posts today after I've had a look at the Tele's letters page for the past couple of weeks especially since there's a massive Christmas tree debate that really needs it's own space. But first lets start with a look at crime and punishment,

Build a jail in every county

WE must simplify sentencing murderers, rapists, paedophiles and drug traffickers. They should never be released from prison. To cope with this we should build a jail in every county. This would give a boost to local suppliers and small businesses. — Mr Sensible.

For a moment I hoped that this was actually 80's punkster Captain Sensible but then I realised that the Cap was actually fairly bright so it isn't him. I liked the idea that prisons are actually good for the economy too. Now I'm no Adam Smith but even I know that keeping peeps locked up costs a fortune. That's okay because our next writer realises this and has a solution,

Outer Mongolia

WE KNOW convicts are released from prison long before they have served their full sentences. Some are committing crimes within days of being released. The reason they are being put back on the streets is because it is expensive to incarcerate them. That being so, shouldn’t we find somewhere to put them where the cost wouldn’t be so great? Many years ago we sent convicts to Australia. Today, I believe we should send them to Outer Mongolia. — Pageboy.

I wonder how the Outer Mongolians would feel about that. But enough of the sublime let's try the ridiculous,

No surrender

AS AN Englishman happily ensconced in Dundee, I would like to know what would then become of the British passport if Scotland became independent, as I have no intention of surrendering mine. — Matt Spence, Perth Road, Dundee.

Just keep taking the pills mate although I do like your use of the word ensconced it makes you look like you might have half a brain. Of course it would take a real pedant to actually answer this nonsense,

Passports

I AM a history teacher with a keen interest in Scotland’s past and future, so I can shed light on Matt Spence’s query about passports and nationality. The British state is rooted in the 1707 Treaty of Union and if Scotland ever becomes an independent state again, the Treaty of Union would have to be revoked. This would result in the end of the British state as we know it; so Mr Spence’s British passport would almost certainly become invalid. He would either have the choice of taking out Scottish citizenship, with a Scottish passport, or return to England, where he could apply for English citizenship and an English passport. — History Teacher.

You can always rely on a history teacher to go to great lengths to state the bloody obvious. The subject of crime comes back again as somebody comes up with the perfect solution,

Hard labour

BEING SENT to prison is a punishment for being found guilty of wrong-doing. However, it would appear being sent to prison is not a deterrent for recidivists, and seems like a cushy number, what with leisure facilities, access to televisions, gymnasiums, etc. Prisoners should be rationed to bread and water, and made to undertake hard labour. Their time in prison should be as harsh as possible. This may deter them from re-offending and costing the taxpayer more money. — Jack Michaelson, Dundee.

I was just thinking of getting caught shoplifting or something so I can get a free holiday at one of these fantastic prisons especially since they finally got rid of slopping out.

And I'd like to end this with good news for all the English peeps ensconced in Dundee,

Right to residency

IT IS the SNP’s policy that, if someone resident of Scotland when we become independent chooses not to take up Scottish citizenship, then he or she will continue to enjoy an unaffected right to residency. So the reply to Matt Spence’s question is that nothing will change for him. — Stewart Hunter, Dundee West SNP.

I know I breathed a sigh of relief at that one.

I know you've been wondering what G looks like...

And this is me in all my glory looking cool in the back of a bakkie in South Africa. Handsome and suave looking devil aren't I? I'm currently sorting out my photies from the trip so more to come.

Acoustic shock

This is me from a forum I'm on,

I'm a call centre monkey which means that I sit with a headset on all day listening to peeps shout at you. Very occasionally this can lead to acoustic shock which is not a nice thing.

Late this afternoon there was something like electronic feedback straight into my right ear. I felt sick straight away as it fucked up my inner ear and I've not been right since. My head is just totally fucked in that I'm completely tense and paranoid, I've not got tinnitus but every background sound is a major irritation and I'm still feeling vaguely ill. I've had this once or twice before and it's really sodding horrible but it's even worse because the hobbitgirl hasn't seen me like this and it's not nice.

Sorry just ranting a bit. I'll feel better tomorrow.

That was a few hours ago and I'm feeling a bit better only because I've got my headphones on which cuts out the extraneous sounds that are winding me up rotten. Rosa was a bit worried because I'm so sodding tense but what can you do?

Dunfermline 2-1 Dundee United

Of course United were 1-0 ahead through most of the game and an equalizer is acceptable but they handed the game away in the 89th minute the idiots. It's good that we beat Rangers but do we have to bounce back to shiteness by being drubbed by fucking Dunfermline?

In other news I'm still not sure what to say about South Africa. It's a nation of weird contradictions with extreme poverty living next to mad riches, really friendly and kind peeps with horrible acts of crime and stupendous countryside with intense cities. I love it to bits but don't know how to describe it.

I am really proud of myself for hauling my fat arse over Table Mountain whilst the tablecloth was down though.

Rosa's brother Ed is a cool bloke and his wife Marieke is really lovely. They did well putting up with me and I can't wait to have them up for the wedding. One of my high points was watching Rosa and Ed dancing on a late drunken night. Broke your heart so it did.

Coming back to the cold north was crap but having my cat Guinness waiting for us made it worthwhile. Our catsitter had spoiled the wee git rotten though, she thinks it's fine to jump on the coffee table.

This turned out a bit messy but my heads still fucked from trying to work out what South Africa's about. I'm away to watch Torchwood now.

Parochial News Day!

As some of you may be aware I've been in South Africa for the past fortnight which has changed what parochial news I've been subjected to. Therefore today I'd like to welcome our guest publication The Citizen.

South Africa's been having quite a few political scandals recently and crime is a very big issue but todays paper had a story concerning an issue that I know is important to all Saffies.

Beer unaffected by gas shortage

JOHANNESBURG – Beer will flow as usual over the festive season while the supply of certain fizzy soft drinks could be affected by a carbon dioxide shortage.

SA Breweries spokesman Michael Farr said on Monday that the country’s seven breweries were self reliant when it came to supplies of the crucial gas.

“Therefore beer production is normal and is not affected,” he said.

The shortages, expected this month and next month, were because of demand exceeding full production, “as it always does in the December period,” said Farr.

South Africa faced the shortages due to production problems experienced by the major CO2 supplier.

Production was being focused on core brands -- Coca-Cola, Fanta and Sprite -- and to ensure some sizes were available.

Less popular drinks -- such as Fanta Pine, Fanta Grape, Sprite Zero and TAB -- could be in short supply, Farr said. – Sapa.

They said that things could get bad down there but that's sailing a little close to the wind in my opinion.

Not to say that The Citizen is only concerned with local problems. A link on the front pageleads us to this story,

Scottish island robbed of its innocence

LONDON – A tiny Scottish island where residents routinely leave their houses and cars unlocked has suffered its first burglary in living memory after a visiting workman stole 60 pounds (89 euros or 115 dollars).

The culprit, who was later caught, was fined 400 pounds and ordered to pay compensation to his victim, after snatching the cash on Colonsay, off the west coast, where there has been no crime at all since 2004.

The Hebridean isle -- where locks are reportedly rusted through lack of use -- is home to only 125 people and is seen as one of Britain’s safest places.

Friday’s Daily Telegraph reported that the island’s part-time policeman Don McLeod swooped on thief James Harvey, 38, from Glasgow, who was stranded on Colonsay for several days while he waited for a ferry back to the mainland.

Harvey’s victim, “Wee” (little) Davie Sutherland, 75, was quoted as saying: “I suppose it was only 60 pounds but it just doesn’t happen here.

“I don’t even have a lock on my house, so that tells you what you need to know about the island.”

The last crime on Colonsay involved the theft of several cars which were driven around the island then dumped. – Sapa-AFP.

Okay so they don't have any crime on Teuchter Island but I still can't get very excited at this one though I do like that the one flaw in the master criminals plan was that there's only one ferry a week. It's the details that get you.

And this one is just so Jo'burg,

Lucky escape as floor sinks into shaft

By Durelle Kariem

JOHANNESBURG – Two men narrowly escaped death when the floor of their shack sank down a mine shaft at the Angelo informal settlement yesterday morning.

Ekurhuleni emergency services spokesman Johan van den Heever said the floor of the shack fell down what used to be an old mine shaft.

“The incident happened after a water pipe along the mining belt became corroded.

“Due to the water pipe leaking and the heavy rain we had on Sunday night, the ground became unstable,” Van den Heever said.

The men were unharmed and left the shack after they realised that the floor had collapsed.

Ekurhuleni Housing spokesman Fanie Mare said the next step would be to relocate the residents to safer land.

The land belonged to one of the mines and not the municipality.

“We are still in the process of discussing permission to move the residents”, Mare said.

It is believed the mine manager will have to assist the housing department to find a safer area of land.

Jo'burg is so hardcore even the subsidence is out to get you.

I'd just like to finish by thanking Graham for the Dundee United update and to note that we won again against Kilmarnock at the weekend so things are looking up. I was able to get the SPL scores in South Africa but not from The Citizen which is why this article confused me.

Pressley omission stuns Hearts fans

EDINBURGH (AFP)

Romania's Ioan Ganea (L) vies for the ball with Scotland's Steven Pressley during an international friendly in March 2004. A troubled season for Hearts has taken another sharp turn for the worse with the future of Pressley in doubt following his omission from the side that drew 1-1 away to Falkirk on November 13.

A troubled season for Hearts has taken another sharp turn for the worse with the future of influential skipper Steven Pressley in doubt following his omission from the side that drew 1-1 away to Falkirk on Monday.

The Scotland international centre-half has been a mainstay of the side over the last few years and captained them to Scottish Cup success last year as well as second place in the Premier division.

But his recent outspoken comments detailing "significant unrest" in the Tynecastle dressing room following statements from club majority shareholder Vladimir Romanov and frequent managerial changes appear to have cost him his place in the starting line-up.

There were also unconfirmed rumours that Pressley had been stripped of the captaincy which could provoke furore among Hearts' fans among whom he is hugely popular.

Mired in a run of poor results that have cost them second place in the league, two other stalwarts - Paul Hartley and Robbie Nelson - were also benched for the game at Falkirk.

Highly-rated goalkeeper Craig Gordon was the only Hearts player to comment on Pressley's demotion.

"It is hard. After the team meeting, I had to go away and compose myself and put myself in the frame of mind that I was going out to do a job," the Scotland international said.

"We have got a couple of thousand Hearts fans coming to cheer us on. I gave everything I had."

Gordon revealed Pressley had urged his team-mates to secure a win.

"I spoke to him on a few occasions, and he wanted the boys to go out there and get a result. He was 100 percent behind the players."

Christophe Berra led the team out at Falkirk, but Gordon maintains Pressley is irreplaceable.

"He is the captain and has been for a number of years," he said.

"I don't see anybody in that dressing room capable of replacing the big character and big leader that he is."

Asked if all the players are behind Pressley, Gordon said: "You would have to ask everybody individually. I would hope the vast majority if not every player would back him.

"He always battles our corner and has the players' interests at the forefront of his mind."

The managerial merry-go-round at Tynecastle looks set to continue with the emergence of another Lithuanian coach in the shape of Eugenijus Riabovas.

At Falkirk the coaching duties were carried out by Eduard Malofeev himself stepping in for Valdas Ivanauskas, the Lithuanian who was in charge at the start of the year but who has taken time off to recover from illness.

I couldn't find the United score in the paper for two weeks and then suddenly we're given an indepth article on Heart of Midlothian and their game against Falkirk. Just goes to show.

Falkirk 5-1 Dundee United

I've been an Arab all my life, I've ballboyed for them in European competition, watched them stuff Benfica and Barcelona and stopped going to Scottish Cup finals just in time for them to win.

Nothing has prepared me for this.

5-1 from fucking Falkirk!

Fucking Falkirk!

Rosa and I watched the highlights in the pub and United were practically scoring the goals for fucking Falkirk! The only bright light was Colin Samuels goal, go you Trinidad & Tobago boys, but this is easily the worst United side I've seen in my life and take my word for it it's been a bad decade or so!

The worst poet ever recounts Dundee's worst disaster...

And one of Britains worst ever railway disasters. If you ever visit I'll show you the stumps of the bridge. But now a worse tragedy...

The Tay Bridge Disaster

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay!
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That ninety lives have been taken away
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

'Twas about seven o'clock at night,
And the wind it blew with all its might,
And the rain came pouring down,
And the dark clouds seem'd to frown,
And the Demon of the air seem'd to say-
"I'll blow down the Bridge of Tay."

When the train left Edinburgh
The passengers' hearts were light and felt no sorrow,
But Boreas blew a terrific gale,
Which made their hearts for to quail,
And many of the passengers with fear did say-
"I hope God will send us safe across the Bridge of Tay."

But when the train came near to Wormit Bay,
Boreas he did loud and angry bray,
And shook the central girders of the Bridge of Tay
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

So the train sped on with all its might,
And Bonnie Dundee soon hove in sight,
And the passengers' hearts felt light,
Thinking they would enjoy themselves on the New Year,
With their friends at home they lov'd most dear,
And wish them all a happy New Year.

So the train mov'd slowly along the Bridge of Tay,
Until it was about midway,
Then the central girders with a crash gave way,
And down went the train and passengers into the Tay!
The Storm Fiend did loudly bray,
Because ninety lives had been taken away,
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

As soon as the catastrophe came to be known
The alarm from mouth to mouth was blown,
And the cry rang out all o'er the town,
Good Heavens! the Tay Bridge is blown down,
And a passenger train from Edinburgh,
Which fill'd all the peoples hearts with sorrow,
And made them for to turn pale,
Because none of the passengers were sav'd to tell the tale
How the disaster happen'd on the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

It must have been an awful sight,
To witness in the dusky moonlight,
While the Storm Fiend did laugh, and angry did bray,
Along the Railway Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay,
Oh! ill-fated Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay,
I must now conclude my lay
By telling the world fearlessly without the least dismay,
That your central girders would not have given way,
At least many sensible men do say,
Had they been supported on each side with buttresses,
At least many sensible men confesses,
For the stronger we our houses do build,
The less chance we have of being killed.

That was by the worst poet ever to walk the earth William McGonagall.

All those wee nagging worries...

Are mostly sorted nae hass likesay. I got up early and dived down the bank to sort out stuff cashwise for going to South Africa next week, Rosa's called our mate Jenny to mind Guinness and a sudden brief panic about visas was easily cleared.

I did mention we're going to South Africa to see Rosa's brother and sister-in-law next week didn't I? No? Okay then...

Rosa and I are heading off to South Africa on Monday to visit her brother Ed and his wife Marieke.

Happy?

Anyway most of my nagging worries have gone leaving me but a few.

1. Ed and I might really hate each other resulting in an awkward holiday and years of forced politeness on holidays until our simmering rage explodes over Christmas dinner leaving any children present mentally scarred for life.

This is pretty unlikely as I'm pretty loveable, in a manly way of course, Rosa will break my fingers if I even look like I'm about to be horrible and Ed seems a nice guy.

2. Work worries.

Yeah right I'm going on holiday!

3. I called to book a venue for our wedding reception but it was already booked.

A bit of a worry but we'll find somewhere I'm sure or we could always just grab a pint and a packet of crisps.

4. Baxters Park won't be finished in time for the wedding.

Strangely enough that wasn't a worry until it somehow got into my head today.

5. Existential angst. Y'know if God doesn't exist is there any meaning to life and are any of our moral choices of any consequence and stuff like that.

That one still get's me at three in the morning but then I remember to stop being a pretentious prat.

Parochial news day

Actually this is quite important news about the venue of my upcoming marriage,

Baxter Park revamp in final phase

The final phase of a £3.5 million revamp of Dundee’s Baxter Park has been given the go ahead by the city council (writes Brian Allison, local government reporter).

A long-running restoration project, mainly funded through the Heritage Lottery, has been taking place to return the park to its original Victorian splendour. Among the major elements of the project are refurbishment of the pavilion, a new park ranger centre on the site of the former bandstand, construction of an adventure play area and restoration of the park’s ornate gates and railings. Terrace improvements and landscape works costing over £650,000 will complete the project. Contracts for the work have been awarded to T&N Gilmartin. One of the contracts involves civil engineering works at the terrace and includes drainage, footpaths, resurfacing and lighting. The second contract comprises landscaping works on the railings, installation of street furniture and signage. Leisure and communities director Stewart Murdoch said, in a report, “The resurfacing of the terrace and footpaths in a bound gravel surface is to recreate an historic appearance and complement the newly refurbished main pavilion. Lighting will be installed around the main pavilion, along the terrace and between the Park Centre and the main pavilion.” In total, the cost of the Baxter Park restoration is in excess of £3.5 million. Heritage Lottery funding of £2.839 million has been obtained along with £275,000 from Historic Scotland. The council’s leisure and communities department has contributed more than £430,000 to the project from its capital budget.

Aberdeen 3-1 Dundee United

This is getting beyond a sodding joke. If this keeps up they'll be relegated and deserve it.

That and Rosa being away again, Manchester this time, is probably why I'm feeling a bit down today, probably not helped by the fact that I've been hiding in the house playing XBox and mucking about with music all weekend instead of going out there and doing stuff. On the upside I finally got of my fat arse, I'm still not enjoying the fat thing, and did some tidying up so Rosa won't think I'm a completely lazy git when she gets back and whilst I was hoovering I remembered that the poem I've been looking for wasn't actually by Phillip Larkin at all but by Michael Ivens.

FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL
by Michael Ivens

First day at school
the large boy
kindly
hurled my ball
with amazing skill
high over the roof

soaring out of sight
out of my prosaic life

Unstintingly
I gave him
my admiration
As others have done
when their respect
money
virginity
honour hope and lives
have been hurled
triumphantly out of sight.

Okay perhaps not the cheeriest poem in the world but I like it. I'm off for a swim.

The poetry corner

For various reasons including putting off doing the hoovering I've found myself obsessively trying to hunt down a poem about schooldays that I think was written by Phillip Larkin. Haven't found it yet but I did come across another one of his I've not read in years.

This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.

It's probably his best known for very good reasons.

Have I mentioned my cousin...

David Gourlay is currently recording his first album?

Well he is. It's not really my kind of stuff but he is a really good singer and I figure quite a lot of you will like him.

Don't you ever wonder how the hell does Stevie Wonder see things?

I know you've all been desperately waiting for me to talk about music so you can find out what you're allowed to like and dislike so if we are all seated comfortably I shall let you know what I'm listening to at the moment.

I first came across Hot Chip at the BBC Big Weekend earlier this year and they blew me away with their savvy lyrics, kicking tunes and geekstyle. My mate Graham says they sound like a load of geeks who've just found out that those buttons on the synth make funny noises and want to play, this is not a bad thing in my view.

Brian Eno is a god. The godfather of ambient, a fantastic producer and a top artist. My Life in the Bush of Ghosts with David Byrne is a must buy if you even pretend to like music.

You already love Talking Heads of course so nuff said.

Damian Marley dispenses his own brand of hiphop reggae that concerns itself with todays Jamaica. He only really falls down when he tries to use his dads stuff strangely enough.

Takako Minewaka is my current fave Japanese artist with a really good electronic sound.

And if you want some great Scottish musioc check out Teenage Fanclub, Primal Scream and for all you hip kids who like being into the next big thing Dundee's very own The View.

I hate Phil Collins with a passion.

Dundee United 1-4 Celtic

Fuckfuckfuckittyfuckfuckfucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not a happy bunny!

On the upside my good mate supports Oxford United and they won today which keeps them in place on top of stupid daft league.

Rosa bought me walking boots today. I'm a little concerned that this means I've got to walk through the sodding hills of Scotland.

Hot Chip are fabulous.

Just some random stuff

Finally got around to sorting out my training program at the gym tonight and it's awfy awfy sair. Looks like I'll just have to keep pushing it until I get addicted to the old endorphins and can't stop. On the upside I'm up to a kilometre in my half-hour swim.

Sorted out a priest-type bloke for the wedding. Rev Bob said it's not a problem to turn up at 2pm on the 18th August 2007. We're diving down on Tuesday evening for a chat.

Watched XMen 3 at the weekend at it was really really bad especially considering the first two were pretty good. Also watched Brick which is a sort of high school film noir and is really really good with about 1/30 of the budget of XCrap.

I had to visit my Auntie Isobel last week because she was about to die at any moment and you know how you've got to turn up and look concerned in case they've got hidden millions. Well I found out tonight that she's apparently getting better from the whole death thing. Well she's had her visit and you only get one, next time I'm sending a card.

Since the whole Tele letters thing I've started noticing the Baby on Board sticky things more and more and they are really annoying. So far we've seen,

Babe on Board - It was in pink and to be absolutely frank the lassie driving the car wasn't really a babe. Now if it had said Minger on Board I might have nodded.

Small Person on Board - I imagine this get's used a lot when Snow Whites on at panto or there's a dwarf-throwing event going on.

Born to Shop - Fuck off!

Grandchild on Board - Well this one really depends on whose grandchild we're talking about since everybodies somebodies grandkid including the driver.

!Caution New Driver - This really irritates me because the traditional sign for a new driver in the UK is a green and white L-Plate instead of a white and red one. In other words this is a new poserish driver who needs his car taken off him.

I'm away to write into The Tele.

So I got new jeans yesterday

And I got them from the coolest shop in Dundee which makes me feel like Grandad G when I'm in it. Not that this was helped by Rosa shouting out in the middle of skater snowboardy hiphoptastic cooldaddy shop " These shorts are great cos they come with a sewing kit!".

Anyway I got cool hiphop jeans that turn into shorts so not only will I be cool in a pimp daddy stylee when I'm in South Africa my calves will be cool once I take the bottom of them off. OTOH this is the first pair of hiphop jeans I've ever bought and I can't get over the message that came with them,

Five Pointz represents the five elements of hip hop: DJ, BBoy, Graffiti, MC and Knowledge. The clothing will express each point through the design techniques having unique surprises. Each point comes together to help us all remember the true roots of hip hop culture. The turtle is the longevity and the life of hip hop culture.

Frankly I have no idea what they're talking about and just got laughed at by Rosa when I asked what a BBoy was but mibbee you folks who are more down with the scene know more. If you're wondering about the turtle reference at the end so am I as there is no turtle motif at all on the jeans.

WAHEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scotland 1-0 France

I've got loads to talk about but it's all got to go behind...

Scotland 1-0 France

It's so sweet let's try it again...

Scotland 1-0 France

So music

Third post of the day and we've not even looked at parochial news or anything!

Music-wise I've always liked to regard myself as a post-punk indiechild who definitely checked into the banging club tunes of the late eighties but nevertheless has soul and deep funk whilst always keeping an eye on the old reggae.

Damn it life was easier when I met Rosa and described my taste in music as white boys with guitars even if I then proceeded to play her Sly and the Family Stone and The Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy proving it a lie.